Just leave: Heartbeats are places (Narrative)

Just leave.

That's what I said to myself back then.

Why wouldn't I just leave?

I was so used to it. I was so used to walking away. I was also used to people walking away from me. It felt like it was part of life. And yes, it is, but at some point I realized that maybe my life had a bit more of "leaving" than usual.

I always had a suitcase full of clothes. It had been like that for years. I had been wandering around, without ever feeling like I belonged anywhere. I didn't know what home was supposed to feel. Many places felt familiar. But that was about it. I was always prepared to stay, but I knew that eventually I would have to go.

Obviously, I preferred to be the one to leave first. I was good at goodbyes. I didn't cry anymore. I never felt the reality of it until years later, when I found myself curled up in a corner, crying my eyes out because I didn't have the chance to say all the things I needed to say. But it was nothing compared to what could happen inside of me if they were the ones to leave.

Just leave.

No, I didn't want to leave anymore. I had never wanted to stay in a place so much in my life. I didn't feel the need to run anymore. I was sure this was where I was supposed to be. I chased this place. I was starting to make a home out of this. I left somewhere else so I could be here. And I wasn't going to leave this time. Not if I could help it.

But once again, life got me. 

Some places leave too. Some heartbeats are places. Some places are bright eyes, and soft skin, and sweet voices. These places move, feel, breathe. I call them places because they're somewhere to be. And although it had been a life-long lesson, I didn't understand this quite yet: you can't make a home out of places like these.

Places leave too. They were never meant to stay. They were supposed to be short stops. And you were supposed to stay only for a bit. No one told you to unpack your bags.

You see, the hardest part is when you can see it coming. You keep thinking you are not going to waste your time, you definitely want to take advantage of every tiny second. But you see as time slips away, and it never seems to be enough. One day you realize, it's never going to be enough. You could stay forever, and it won't be enough.

Just leave.

No, I wasn't leaving. I was taking every minute that was given to me. I would cherish every instant with all of my heart. I would give this heartbeat, another heartbeat to dance with. Until no more. 

I didn't want to look away. I didn't want to lose any detail. I wanted to record every part of this place in my head, so when years passed by I could still remember. I wanted to remember all of it. And I knew my memory was going to fail me at this. I wished I could just make it last forever.

Places leave. And we can be places too.We go around looking for another place to be, mostly because we don't know how to be our own place. And I don't think we are supposed to be our own place. 

Heartbeats have a space of silence between every beat. These are the places where another heartbeat comes to build a home. And they would make homes out of each other, and silence would be no more.

Heartbeats leave.

Homes can be temporary places, no matter how much you want to stay, because some homes won't know how to make a home out of you. And that is okay. You won't always stay. They won't always stay.

Just leave.

I've had enough of that.

No matter how many times I have to try again.

I want to stay, for once.

What about you?