Day 4: Getting back my self-interest
Or, getting back my interest in self.
What I’ve found through numerous 1 on 1 conversations with the initial stranger, is that I rarely ever speak as much about myself, my life, my hobbies, my interests, what I do, what I enjoy, what I dislike etc. So if someone asks me about any of these, I give an answer, but it is more like a dot point. There is no detail. And I see this is because I lack interest in myself, I believe myself to be NOT interesting, and so to keep engagement possible/alive or create it, I allow another to speak/speak about themselves and their life, because I want engagement to happen, but failing to realise, myself, that engagement, true engagement as an effective communication as EQUALS, ahem, happens when EACH provide, equally.
It’s interesting. When I do look back at my life and conversations I’ve participated in, or anytime I speak, I have always had this fear of showing self-interest, as in, making it all about me, like an ego, like a “I’m the best.” type of thing.
So because of this fear, I’ve gone the complete opposite direction and now show no interest in myself and only interest in another and basically keep pushing them to open up about themselves because I believe it’s in everyone’s best interest.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear self-interest.
I forgive myself therefore that I have accepted and allowed myself not to display interest in myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to view myself in all facets as dull.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to find a balance between how much I share, what I share, and then allowing another to share their part where a back and forth happens.
I forgive myself therefore that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep everything bottled up within me whereas there IS in fact this want to share, to speak about myself, my life etc, but because of the fear of self-interest and the judgments of me as DULL, I never do and lose the opportunity, and just suppress.
When and as another asks me about me, my life, what I do etc, and I Desire to give a bullet point like answer, aka, a few words, I stop and breathe. I see, realise and understand that this person is taking a genuine interest in me/what I do etc, thus I should be providing a genuine answer/response that gives them what they seek, and allows me to share with detail for an actual effective relationship/communication to take place and evolve.
I see, realise and understand that it is the exact same when I ask another about them/their life, albeit, my asking is also laced with fear of self-interest of myself and judgments of me being DULL, but when another does answer/respond, I go into more questions because I actually am very interested about what they do, and through this I learn, I develop, I gain, I understand, I build, as they do when I answer/respond.
I commit myself to share me.
I commit myself to open up me.
I commit myself to put myself on show.
I commit myself to face my fears of self-interest by continually speaking about me, taking a pause, then continuing, or changing the subject into what else I like to do/something related, whereas I practice and engage myself and another and learn what it means to share myself as per detail/being in-depth, and not just stuttered info as a dot point, as a quick means of escape so that I can stop being dull in my judgment and allow another to speak.
I commit myself to appreciate myself by stopping and looking at what I do in my life, all the finer details.
I commit myself to share myself as if I am a novel, as opposed to a book of a few pages where I am mostly made of just images with very little words.
I commit myself to show an interest in myself as I equally show an interest in another.