Shut up Tyrus, you're a whiny bitch: A Splinterlands Parody

"HE'S GETTING AWAY WITH ALL THE ALCHEMY POTIONS, GET ME A SACRED UNICORN!!!"

But Sir, this is no time for rash decisions. We have that big tournament around the corner and there are only two Unicorns in the whole of the land. So why can't you send one of those Knights with the big swords? And why can't you just go after him yourself, you big smiling oaf? I'm a friendly giant Sir, I really don't bother myself with such trivial things.

Cut Scene

Tyrus Barges into Palace

TP: Get out of my way you damn cat, I'm in no mood for your shenanigans.
Feral Spirit: I'm 8,000 years old Tyrus, show some respect.
TP: Well we have an emergency because that Bastard Marlic sent some Serpentine spies to steal all the alchemy potions.
FS: That's really not a big deal because all you did was chug that shit anyways. Besides, why can't you just drink the Legendary potions instead?
TP: Eww that shit messes with my stomach, and...

Truth Speaker walks in mid-sentence with a Luminous Eagle on her arm

TP: Please tell me you have some Alchemy potions for me because I need my fix
TS: No but I heard that old Healer granny has some. Anyways, I'm here to inform you about THE tournament. You and the SIlver shields have to get in shape
TP: Hold on hold on, when did I ever agree to this?
TS: Ask him

She points at the Statue of a Gloridax Guardian and High Priest Darus was just standing there with no expression

TP: Holy shit you creepy old man, how long have you been standing there?
HPD: Long enough to hear you bitching about everything. Isn't it time you own up to your responsibilities? You gift is rare and the land needs a summoner like you
TP: Okay, first of all, I just want to drink Alchemy potions and kick it at home. Secondly, get somebody else to do it. What happened to Mother Khala?
HPD: She's old, and slow. She keeps falling asleep.

High Priests turns towards the exit and summons his wand

HPD: I'll tell the Herbalist to whip up a few bottles of that Alchemy juice you like drinking but you have to promise to take this tournament serious. Besides, Marlic is going to be there

TP: That Hot head that keeps stealing my shit? I'd love to rub his face in the dirt

HPD: Remember your training

TP: Yeah yeah, always respect your opponents.

HPD: No, not that one. Marlic is a douche and you totally should rub his face in shit. I mean, remember your training and don't take too many hits to your pretty face, dumbo.

TP: Whatever old man. Call the Armorsmith, and lets get this show on the road.




...watch out for more splinterlore parody to come