A Breakdown Journey

I want to provide a trigger warning for this post. This poem is about the dark side of my depression. I don't have a mental breakdown often but when I do, this is what it feels like for me.

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It takes a lot to bury the hurt and lies

Down deep so I can have a smile and dry eyes

Friends and family enjoy it when I am ‘me’

Not knowing the energy it takes so I can be

Day after day, I slowly grow weak

As I do, the pain finds a leak

Deteriorating my strength into a gigantic hole

As it grows, the pain slowly fills my soul

The breakdown begins rushing like a flood

The poison starts to overtake my blood

Chaos swirls internally like a top

So drained that I can’t make it stop

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Overwhelmed, I collapse and begin to cry

Hopelessness repeats endlessly “Just die”

Only solution that sounds good is a knife

My heart begs me to keep fighting for my life

Holding it gives me such a sense of relief

Internal war ensues as it’s against my belief

Just one cut so I can set this poison free

I CAN’T!!! My family needs me

I get up and move myself to a safe place

As the tears continue rolling off my face

Minutes later, I take a very deep breath

To refocus my mind away from death

Start to feel my willpower increase

As the internal misery slowly cease

Picking up the pieces where they lay

Asking “What was the trigger today?”

The answer is not always the same

I have reached the end of today’s game

Buried once again using all energy possible

Till the day it returns and make me miserable