Are You In or Are You Out?
… or a couple of words about guilt and success.
You can’t escape the responsibility of tomorrow by evading it today. Abraham Lincoln
Self-improvement is a hot topic today, with an emphasis on inner factors. Social media is flooded with advice on how to achieve your higher self, cope with guilt, and overcome childhood complexes. This narrative often ties back to our early years, with psychologists suggesting that many adult issues are rooted in our early years, especially influenced by parental behavior.
For instance, if someone experiences financial difficulties in their late thirties, it could be linked to their parents' inability to manage finances effectively. Similarly, repetitive unsuccessful relationships might stem from poor examples set during childhood. This perspective is widely supported in contemporary psychological discourse.
I recently came across a Facebook post where a woman in her late twenties recounted her struggle with her ‘controlling’ mother. She described a moment of ‘liberation’ when she boldly told her mother, 'You can’t control me anymore. I don't need your restrictions in my life.' Despite her mother's attempts to justify her actions, the woman stood firm, asserting her newfound autonomy.
The truth is: the author’s mother was trying to help with the embroidery, in which she had more experience than her daughter, not with a life decision. Surprisingly, this post garnered significant support, illustrating a common sentiment among many who feel constrained by the same 'childhood experience'.
While I'm not denying the existence of childhood trauma, it's clear that psychology aims to empower us. However, this model of self-improvement can rather foster self-pity. It suggests that our nature or upbringing is to blame for our current challenges, thus absolving individuals of responsibility. Imagine a scenario where a father offers to teach his son to swim, only to be rebuffed with, 'I don't need your authority to limit my freedom.' Without proper guidance, the son risks drowning. This analogy underscores the importance of recognizing the boundaries between personal responsibility and external influence.
It is crucial to differentiate between our guilt and others' actions. Regardless of what others have done to us, we choose to forgive and move forward or remain stuck in a cycle of self-pity. True freedom comes from letting go of past grievances and making an attempt to understand the motives behind others' actions without immediately assigning blame.
That is why saying ‘they’ will never make a difference in this case. It always starts with ‘I’. Personal growth begins from within, acknowledging the responsibility for shaping our lives and taking proactive steps toward self-improvement.
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