"This child is really hopeless. I really don't understand why the obedient child has become hard and soft now? You still yell at me? This is the fifth grader. What should we do in the future? " My friend Xiaohua was very excited when she told me about her child's performance. She complained to me like this more than once.

Communication with children has become so difficult, which will lead to serious deterioration of parent-child relationship. After a long time, the consequences will be unimaginable. Why are parents full of love and expectation for their children in exchange for the aggravation of their children's disgust and rebellious psychology.

Adele Farber and Elaine Mazlish are world-famous experts in parent-child communication.

1、 Emotion comes from feeling

Parents, who are close to their children, subjectively judge their children's feelings and think that we know enough about their children's thoughts. They don't know that we and our children are independent individuals with different perception systems and different real experiences and feelings. There is only difference in feelings, and there is no right or wrong.

2、 The causes of antagonism

When people encounter all kinds of things, they will not develop completely according to our will. In this way, they will have all kinds of emotions and feelings. When they are depressed and sad, or hurt, the last thing we want to hear is a lot of general principles and opinions.

Excessive sympathy will make us feel more uncomfortable, especially when we say that our feelings are unreasonable. If this kind of repressive emotion has not disappeared, but has not been shown for the time being, once it has accumulated to a certain extent, it will be out of control.

If you vent your emotions to the people around you, they may suffer unnecessary losses or injuries. If you find an emotion that can be replaced by feelings, you will have a sense of boundlessness.

If we first identify with the child's inner feelings and give him the opportunity to express his feelings, the child will not be so depressed and confused and solve the problem by himself.

As parents, we all work without a license. Many parenting concepts are acquired through learning and time exploration. Similarly, learning to listen to children's feelings and speak resonant language is not our natural ability. We need to practice!

3、 Four tips to help children face their feelings

1. Attentive listening

Listening attentively is better than being absent-minded. As parents, we often do what we are doing, listening to the children's stories, giving them advice or asking them in a blaming tone. The children don't finish what they want to say, but they don't want to say it.

If you listen carefully, resonate with your children and respond positively to their feelings.

2. Respond positively to the child's narrative

In the process of your child's narration, don't rush to give advice to your child. Instead, use "Oh, um, ah" to respond to your child. In this process, the child will organize his thoughts and feelings, so as to find a solution to the problem.

We feel the same way. Because we love our children and are afraid that they will be wronged, we let them jump out of the pain as soon as possible, regardless of the children's psychology and say what you want to say. No matter how good our attitude is, the children will only be more sad.

3. Say how they feel

As parents, we usually avoid telling our children how they feel in order to make them feel less sad. But in fact, when children hear someone saying how they feel, they will think that someone can understand their inner feelings and feel at ease.

4. Another way to realize their wishes

When children want something we don't have, parents usually give them a logical explanation, and children generally don't accept it. If we use fantasy to realize their wishes instead of logical explanation, they can easily accept the reality.

In short, the root cause of children's failure in communication with adults is that adults do not help children face their feelings well. Ignoring children's feelings will conflict with their parents' preaching. Therefore, it is necessary for us to learn from the skills provided in how to speak to children and how to listen to children.