Hello my name is Crispier-Bacon and I am a real person.

I haven't always been a real person though, and at one point I didn't exist at all. I guess my dabbling in reality started about 26-28 weeks after conception and then at about 36-40 weeks shit got really real.

At first it was just a lot of eating, sleeping and defecating. I'm sure some of you can relate. After about 2 or 3 years I felt like things where starting to plateau. That's when my situation started to go from bad to worse. I'm embarrassed to say it, but that is when I started to learn like a real person; you know gain...knowledge. I'm not talking about a little knowledge either. I mean, I really started down a dark path. I started walking, talking and doing all sorts of new things that real people do.

When I think back on it now I can't help to feel ashamed but, it was so intoxicating I couldn't stop my-self and it didn't help that everyone at daycare was doing it too. I remember the first time I did ABC-123's It felt like I was never going to come down; but you do...you always do.

The honey moon phase was over. I was living for that next dose of reality, I couldn't get it off my mind. It was like I couldn't stop myself from being real. Reality was my mistress and boy did she have me wrapped tight around her fingers. Occasionally, I could break the habit and slip off into an unrealistic world; but, reality be a harsh mistress and she always coaxed me back to her bosom.

Maybe one day I'll break realities hold on me, but, today isn't that day.