There Is So Much Fear And Worry In My Life That I Often Think Of Giving-Up

I am realizing that as time goes by my hope to achieve triumph over these health issues that I am battling with keeps getting father and father and unclear. In fact I just wanted to give-up already. My only driving force to keep on going with my life is my fear of the discomfort of the process of death while suicide is really not on the table.

Well I accidentally nearly had killed myself from an overdosage of a barbiturate due to my quest of managing my severe bout of insomnia at that time as I had suffered from insomnia for so many years even before I had my first session of dialysis.

Unfortunately I survived that which had made me last up to this day. Nobody wants this kind of life that I am going through, it is just all misery and discomfort, pain, worries, sadness. This blogging work that I am doing just helps me get distracted so that I won't get disturbed and depressed much but deep inside me I am crying.

There are so many things going on into my head right now, the future mostly I am worrying about, the future problems that will come and is coming. The future unfortunate events in my life like what if I outlived one or both of my parents? Who will then take me in after? will drive me to the hospital, put in my socks, ask if I wanted to eat, bring me food, emotional support? even the presence of my mother is just enough for me to feel good. I do not want to disturb my siblings, relatives and certainly nothing can compare what parents can do to their child.

So when that really gets into my thoughts it not only depresses me much it makes me cry. Cry for my pitiful condition because for sure I will be like a chick without a hen exposed to the threats of everything that goes into its way.

So that is that is just that, so I am praying for God to take me already before I lose my lovedones one by one. I realized that not much people around cares for me. I might be too dramatic about these things that troubles me but it is all real, my case is different, I am disabled I almost feel alone and my future is in a precarious situation which is why my inner self wants to give-up already.

My faith and spirituality is the one of the things that holds me together so I won't shatter but not forever I can hold, I will or might at some point in time might give-way and I do not want that to happen. I just want happiness and peace but they seem to be hard to achieve here in my lifetime.