Today is my mum's birthday. I've been very busy lately trying to numb my sorrow and forget my own feelings. No matter how hard I try to escape the pain in order to be functional, there's just this indescribable, bloody emotion that just won't go away. It is like a hole was created that's more hollow, a little less solid and a little less complete than it was before. I feel emptier than ever.

I've written about her many times, sometimes I think everything about me is about her. Perhaps I am my mum in many ways. Right now I'm feeling really sad again. I contacted my sister and she told me that they've visited mum today. I couldn't fly to my city to be with them and it breaks my heart. There's never a time that I don't think of her.

It has been a month since my mother's death and everything is still fresh. What happened is still a shock to us. I was thinking about all the things that I could have done and could have given. I feel like I'm trying to hurry to make up for the lost time, but then I remember that my mum is not here anymore. I was asking myself, will I ever adjust to the fact that my mum is gone? Just like that without goodbyes or anything. Sometimes I think that my parents are lucky because they don't have to experience pain and hardships anymore. And here I am, still stuck here on earth.

My life goals somehow keep me alive. I fill the hole with busyness. I forget feeling when I'm focused at work but as soon as I become idle again, loneliness sets in. I still long for her embrace, her voice, and her smile. I think about the things that could have been better. I think about being like her in a way, here in my own world, far from the rest. I ask the walls about my own existence but the long, tormenting silence didn't give me any answers. I think about her silence and how it is my silence too. I hope someday, my spirit will follow the mysterious space filled with bright lights where loved ones congregate.

There was this old lullaby I haven't heard in a while that was played during my mum's funeral. It's still ringing in my ears until now. I couldn't help but cry whenever the song is being played in my mind again. The music was composed during World War II. The composer drew inspiration from the melody that his mother hummed while he and his siblings were put to sleep during their childhood.

Then the man went to study at the Juilliard School of Music. Then in 1948, he went aboard a ship to return to the country. While on a stopover in Hawaii, he met a man who wrote the lyrics for his composition. He wrote the words of the song during the rest of their trip. The two became national artists.

I used to remember this song only when there was some theatre performance, cultural arts show or interpretative dance happening in my school. Now, I will always remember this as a song for my mum.

The language is kind of old and deep that it is hard for me to translate, but anyway, here it is.

The Sway of the Baby's Cradle

I hope the old days will not be gone
when I was a little in my mother's arms
I wish to hear again the song of my mother love
The song of love while I'm in the cradle

I hope the old days will not be gone
when I was a little in my mother's arms
I wish to hear again the song of my mother love
The song of love while I'm in the cradle

In my sleep, sleeping too deeply
The star is watching over me
My guard is the star
In my mother's arms
Life is heaven
My heart is suffering
longing for you to sway the cradle mother
I wish you are here mother

I hope the old days will not be gone
when I was a little in my mother's arms
I wish to hear again the song of my mother love
The song of love while I'm in the cradle