RE: Get Paid to Rant #10! All Rants Win! Plus 5 SBD Grand Prize
Wow. I am glad i found you @steemitbc.
The cute looking me on my profile was me few months before what happened that led to this rant. You wont want to see me now. I just feel like letting life out. Everything is just going wrong. And it seems like I don't really know where to start. Even though I'm only 25, I have no hope for the future and feel like my life is over. Nothing seems to be going right, and each day is so painful. Life is too much for me to handle, and I feel like "living" is just not for me. I want all of this unhappiness to end. I don't think that I will be able to reach any of my goals, and I have no potential to succeed, steemit has been a source of encouragement.
I've done so many bad things and have had so many aspects of my life go completely wrong. When I was younger, I at least had a few positive traits (nice person, good student, etc.). I am now a total disgrace, and I don't even recognize the person that I've become.
I don't know whether or not this is relevant, but I have ADHD and possibly some Asperger related issues (I don't really agree, but that's my PDoc's opinion).
Everything started a few years ago when I got myself into a pretty serious predicament. Instead of going to my parents (I was afraid), I tried to take care of it on my own. This was a huge mistake and one that I regret each day. I ended up deceiving my parents, breaking their trust, and getting caught up in a huge web of lies. I never wanted this to happen, and I feel horrible about it. The pain is so bad to me, and my head pounds all day long with the terrible guilt that I feel. Because of me, my parents have had their lives adversely affected. They've lost a substantial amount of their money, been embarrassed multiple times, and have had their credit ruined.
My parents should despise me, but they don't. My dad has basically said to me that "It's only money. I want my son. I don't care about the money." Unfortunately, I can't overlook what I've done, and I'll never be able to go through life with all of this guilt. I'm sure there are a lot of parents who wouldn't have been so forgiving. I'm horrified. I can't believe everything that I've done, and I never wanted to inflict so much damage. I could just
cry. All because I've always been too afraid to get my parents' help, I've created a huge disaster.
When my parents finally found out about everything in October which was few days after i joined steemit, I got involuntarily committed for almost 2 weeks. I then spent another 8 days in November when I was readmitted. It's been a long past few months, and my dad always tells me that "we'll get through everything."
The truth is, I don't think I can do it. I have too many other issues that make it near impossible to ever rectify everything. I wish I could go back in time, but I can't. I'm not productive at all and probably should be back on ADHD medication. I wish that I could see my PDoc, but I still owe him money. My parents even told me that they would pay for me to see him. They aren't aware that I still have a balance for past sessions. I'm supposed to be honest at this point, but I still have trouble being upfront. It's so hard for me to talk with them about certain issues.
I realize that I am in a pretty bad place. I can't concentrate or focus, no matter what I do. I've tried everything, and as I mentioned, I think my only option is to start taking ADHD medication again. It's the only way I'd be a help to anyone. However, that's not a possibility until I resolve the issues with my PDoc, which I'll probably never be able to do. Then if I do start taking medication, I'll be worried about all of the possible long-term side effects.
No matter which way I turn, I'll just never be happy. My life is ruined as it is, and I can't stop dwelling on negativity. I obsess about my health, I worry about getting older, I'm afraid of being alone, I'm afraid of dying, etc. etc. Where does it end? I'm stuck in these horribly bleak thought patterns, and it's an endless loop. Even if I were to "fix" what I've done, I'll still obsess about it years later. To make it worse, I have no friends, no social interaction, and really nothing positive happening in my life.
I'm sorry for being so pessimistic and am. happy to rant about this. I'm just sad that my life has turned out so differently than I ever expected. What purpose could possibly be left for me? I don't see any hope for positive change and am very doubtful that I could ever move past all of this.
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to rant my reality. I feel a lot better.
Trust me i feel a lot better that i could share this rant. If anyone wants to encourage me i will appreciate.
Wow you do have alot going on and it seems your guilt over what you did and not being up front and honest and open with your parents is eating you up. The thing is your parents love you plain and simple and they just want what is best for their son. And like your dad is trying to tell you we will get through this together no matter how hard it gets, he is gonna be there to support you and that is great that your family loves you that much.
Now you have to start trying to love yourself and not be so critical of yourself. I know this is hard but it is something to work on. Also forgive your self. They have forgive you so move on and just be honest with them. Tell them you can't go to the psy. doctor because you owe money. I realize you maybe thinking your saving them by not saying anything but this is not what they would want. They would want to know and help you to get the help you need. And if it means being on ADHD medicine for awhile that is alright too. With any medicine there can be side effects but there also can be good results with it..And it does not mean you will be on it forever you may just have to take it awhile to you can get things straightened out and feel better.
Are you OCD by any chance? I ask this because I am I am actually pure O and obcessing is one of my worse enemies. As I have gotten older I am much better about it and do not fear the things I used to like what if I die, what if I get sick ,the what if's used to drive me crazy. One day a very wish doctor said to me when I was about 30 well dear we are all gonna die someday but what if you live to be 100, what if you keep stressing over the what if's and never live your life. Get out and take it day by day or moment by moment and live in that moment not in the what if's. He was so right and that helped me more than anything.
So work on forgiving yourself and getting some of the negativaity out of your life. Your worth alot more than money. So keep trying life is a gift that we have to learn to make the best of and I wish you nothing but the best. Many Blessings!
I understand what you are going through @eveokonma.
@steemitbc, great work. Giving people the opportunity to talk about matters close to their heart here is commendable. Wow it feels good to know that people ranting here sre being offered advice, encouragement and support.
@eveokonma, Trust me, I have been there. I have gotten involved with toxic people, and betrayed my family's trust, and I know I don't deserve their support, but let me tell you something..I have tourettes, adhd, ocd, depression, among other things. Life will always be difficult for us with co-morbid conditions! but family is FAMILY, if they truly are family they will be there for you! You can earn back their trust, and put it in the past. live for tomorrow, not for yesterday. getting hospitalized is not a new thing for me, I have been there too, and trying lots of new medications is scary and who would want that? however, when your doctor prescribes something, you are old enough to research it and say "yes i want this" or "no, this is not right for me, my research says this, can we try this instead?" dont take any drug they prescribe, although you should trust your doctor, trust your research and intuition as well. i used to be on luvox for depression, since third grade, it made me happy, but i stopped cold turkey when i found out i could not orgasm on it, i forget what that condition is called. i ended up taking effexor, which is mood stabilizer and anxiety and depression medicine. it helps. you should go to therapy every month, a psychiatrist or neurophyciatrist, and most of all, get out of the house! volunteer at perhaps the humane society, im sure it will make you happy to see old dogs see the sunlight! you can meet people the more you are out...and if you have an episode or a break down with them, just admit ahead of time you strruggle with disorders, and if you do anything or say anything akward, to please forgive you. i am here if you need to talk, i know how you feel! i am 25, turning 26. ☺☺☺
It sounds like the overwhelming guilt is crushing you. If your parents are willing to forgive you maybe you should try to forgive yourself. You are not perfect and no one is. we all have bad things that we have done, people that we have hurt. You are worth forgiving. And part of that is committing to being upfront with your parents. They love you and only want the best for you. That is all that we as parents want for our kids, no matter what they have done. And yes it is just money. You are more important than money. I am not just saying that to make you feel better. This is the way that I feel about my two kids. You can make this better. And being honest with your parents is a great place to start. Maybe then you can forgive yourself for all that you have done.
Mistakes does not recognise race, colour, creed, religion, age or your status/station in life. In short it does not care about your plus points or minus points as an individual. We all have made mistakes, some small, some larger and some very huge and no one can afford the claim that his/her mistake is the most terrible, mind blowing and massive in enormity or takes the place at the top of the heap. You have been worrying and circling around & around your mistake, of which the central theme is "My mistake/or mistakes are the worst of the worst, nobody can equal it". The thing is no one is exempted from making mistakes, certainly not you or I or all of humanity since history began 2012 years ago. The truth of the matter is we all have made mistakes and will continue to make mistakes regardless of whatever the situation/or circumstance be, the important thing is whether you want to stay down or pick yourself up, learn from it, let go and move on and this my friend, can only be done by you and you alone. As my respected associate has said, "Forgive yourself first".
Ps.Sorry In the light of what you have written I have only this to say (the words are not mine, it is from someone else) but the essence is just this "There is nobody so bad that He can't forgive and there is nobody so good that he does not need forgiveness".
Wow @eveokonma, i am touched, the past is the past and letting go of that is hard but it's best to try to forgive yourself and leave it in the past. You are not that person now and your a future does lie ahead of you if you give it a chance but you have to leave the past behind you in order to look forward and move forward. Taking medication for life is not something I'm happy with in fact I hope I don't have to take it for life. Right now, however I need my medication to live as normally as I can to be a mom, work and funcion to as close to a decent quality of life as possible. If you have to take the meds again to have a better quality of life, do it. We don't know if the side effects will hit us or some other disease. We don't know what tomorrow will bring but we do have the power to live for today. It's hard to do but we should try to live in the present, for today. I hope you find some comfort and peace and knowing your life can be better and hope does exist if you hold onto it. Cant wait for your goodnews.
I know this is hard advice, because I am actively trying to accomplish it myself, but forgive yourself. I've decided to "turn over a new leaf" as I like to put. I've changed the way I talk to people, and not really who I am, but my behavior. You can put the past behind you, it seems as if your parents already have. You can do this.
The big thing you have to do is see your psychiatrist or find a new one to continue treatment. Remember, you can't change the past. So, try to stop dwelling on it. Do constructive things to keep your mind busy like volunteering at an animal shelter or a public library. Do chores at the house. Try to get out and meet people. Remember, a lot of what your problem is that you're spending too much time in your own head. Everybody makes mistakes. You sound like you've owned up to them. So, move forward. To have a future, you have to start focusing on making the "now" better.