Dad | Torture | Life

What do family gatherings have to do with torture? More than you think sometimes.

The KP's are spread out all over the world but yesterday a couple of us got together to spend some time with our ailing father. My sister flew over from Sydney, 1800km away, to visit my dad and whilst here decided to subject me to some torture...Not quite bamboo under the fingernail-torture, but the pain was almost the same.

Dad
My dad suffers dementia, and other debilitating medical conditions, and resides in a nursing home. My sister felt the need to come over and say hello and despite my dad not really having a firm grip on reality, and his memory, it went quite well.

My dad often doesn't know who I am, and I was worried that this would be the case with my sister whom he sees rarely. As it turns out he grasped the concept of who she was, if only for moments, and I think it was good for my sister to experience that.

Dad is declining rapidly. My sister and her partner commented that in the 12 months since their last visit he had declined markedly. I agree, but I see it on a week-to-week basis so it's not as confronting to see, being more gradual. The inevitable will occur some day of course, and we are as prepared as we can be, however it was good that my sister got that time yesterday, regardless of whether my dad will recall it or not.

Torture
A couple of weeks ago my sister suggested she does something for my birthday which is upcoming shortly. She won't be here on the actual day and thought to get a cake or something and to spend some time together with dad would be good. I sad no.

Whilst her logic is completely sound it was flawed.

You see, I don't enjoy visiting dad. Yes I know, this probably makes me a bad son.

I struggle to see my dad as my dad you see. He doesn't know who I am, can't converse, has no memory of the past and my youth or upbringing and...It makes me very sad. It means my visits there are not really enjoyable in the least bit. It always makes me angry, sad and grumpy to visit, when I leave I mean.

Further to that I am not one who likes birthdays or being the centre of attention at all. I like other people's birthday's, just not my own. It embarrasses me and I don't like making a big deal, or any deal of my birthday; Gift makes me uncomfortable too. My sister insisted though and little sister gets what little sister wants.

My sister ordered a few little cakes from one of my favourite bakeries and we met at the nursing home to spend some time with dad, the five of us. Dad even had some cake.

It went ok and I'll be honest, it wasn't really as torturous as I had envisaged. I would have killed someone if they started singing happy birthday though. Seriously, that song makes me cringe.

Life
My dad is going to die. So will I...And you. It's inevitable.

What we have before we die is life though, and whilst it's not endless, the possibilities are. I mean, we can choose to live the best version of it, or choose not to. It's pretty simple and everything we do falls into those brackets.

I'm the former...I actively seek to create the best life I possibly can, and whilst what that looks like to me may be different to you, the concept is the same for all of us.

My sister and I were talking at my house after we saw dad and we both agreed that, whilst completely comfortable, he is not living life to its full extent...And yet, he is happy, and that's all that really matters right? I guess that's one of the good things about dementia; The sufferer doesn't really know much different, it's the family that see it and struggles.

I don't intend this post to sound miserable. It's not at all. Sure it's a difficult situation and I purposely don't disclose the full extent of it, but it isn't sad.

I can recall speaking with dad about four years ago when he possessed a more sound mind...He told me that he was happy, had lived a magnificent life, achieved what he wanted, had five children, all successful and healthy, a marriage to someone he loved and had come so far from where he began in life in Malaysia to a country he loved so much, Australia. He was content, satisfied he'd designed the best version of life he was able to.

I didn't need the reminder to pursue one's best life, but thanks dad, for your wisdom and your example throughout life.

I'm turning 50 years old in several days...I'll be on the other side of my life and have probably got less time ahead than I have behind...But it's ok...It's the way of it for all of us and I'm content with the last 49 years and 357 days of my life...And looking forward to the unknown time I have ahead.

As always I'll end with my life-ethos below.

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Tomorrow isn't promised - Design and create your ideal life, don't live it by default
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