My story - how I came to realise i'm transgender (and an FAQ) - part 1

My story

Hi all, as promised in earlier posts I thought i'd write about my story in more depth as well as provide a brief FAQ about what it means to be transgender and some other issues.

I'm going to do this in an unusual way as I believe it'll aid understanding - first i'm going to post an FAQ with some of the basics, and then i'm going to write up my story, and then i'll write another FAQ which will contain questions people might have about my story in particular.

The FAQ may be a tad more detailed than would normally be expected, because this is a complex subject prone to misunderstanding - so expect detailed answers. I should also warn that this post might make blunt reference to aspects of the human body that some may not want to read about, but not in a pornographic or sexualised manner - so I have not tagged it NSFW as I do not believe that gender issues are something that should be hidden away.

I'm also splitting this post up into a small series as there's a lot to cover, this first post will focus mostly on the FAQ and some basic concepts so that the main content makes more sense to those unfamiliar with the subject.

So without further ado, here we go!

So what is transgender? What is gender? Is bacon delicious?

Let's get started then, here's a quick FAQ about transgender issues and terminology and what it all means.

• What does "transgender" mean?
  In order to answer this question, let me first define some terms: Sex refers to biological sex, which is a function of one's secondary and primary sex traits - what genitalia someone has, the absence or presence of the SRY gene (usually found in the Y chromosome in humans), the hormonal makeup of an individual and so on.
  Usually all these traits go together and form 2 distinct groups of biological sexes (male and female), though exceptions do occur where for example someone may be born with a full Y chromosome including the SRY gene but otherwise have a fully female body due to an insensitivity to androgenic hormones (testosterone), a condition known as CAIS (Complete Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome) - such conditions are known as intersex conditions and they are actually far more common than previously thought. It is entirely possible for example that you, dear reader, are intersex without realising it - only a detailed medical examination and genetic testing can confirm fully.
  However, for the vast majority of humanity, sex is fairly simple and doctors determine it at or before birth via looking at the genitals. This process is commonly referred to as "gender assignment" and as sex and gender usually correlate, it is a good predictor of gender.
  
  So what's gender then, and what does transgender mean?
  
  Gender is essentially the psychological and social aspects of sex, and a person's own knowledge of their gender is known as their gender identity. As with sex, in the majority of humanity it's quite simple: if a person's biological sex is male then they take on a male gender identity, if female they take on a female gender identity.
  
  In transgender people, it's more complex - for us transgender people our gender is not the same as our sex at birth, or to put it another way - our gender assigned at birth is inaccurate.
  
  This results in what is essentially a male brain in a female body, or (as in my case) a female brain in a male body. It also gets even more complex than that because there exist people who refer to themselves as having a gender identity that is neither male or female, or a combination of both - for example nonbinary or agender people. There also exist various groups who claim that gender identity does not exist at all. All of this goes beyond the scope of this FAQ but will be the subject of future posts.
  
• What is the difference between gender and gender identity?
  This is a distinction that not everyone makes, some would claim them to be identical, but I personally think of them as distinct. Essentially, I view gender as being what Julia Serano refers to when she talks about "subconscious sex" in her written work (if interested, I highly recommend her book "whipping girl" where she explains the concept).
  Gender is what the brain is wired for and what it expects about the body - for example my brain is wired to expect breasts  and a vagina rather than a flat chest and a penis/testes.
  Gendered brains also have other particular biases as regards behavioural patterns - though much of the behaviour we associate with masculinity and femininity is also a result of social conditioning, which often leads to some interesting mixes in transgender folk (I was raised as a male, but my brain is female - so I have a lot of stereotypical male interests and behaviour despite my behaviour often being more feminine in other ways).
  
  Gender identity is what gender someone "identifies as", what they call themselves and what they consciously think of themselves as. Again, for most people this matches the gender they were assigned at birth. In transgender people who aren't in denial, their gender identity instead matches something else. For me for example, I identify as a woman despite having been born with a male body. Before I realised who I am and when I lived in denial, I identified as a cisgender man and repressed both my true gender and my feelings about it, this caused some complicated mental health issues that I will expand on later.
  
  My current gender identity is female and I live fulltime as a woman - and i'm far happier for not repressing it.
  
  There are some who feel their gender (and thus their gender identity, but again i'm not familiar with anyone else making the distinction I am making here - most simply use both terms interchangeably) is neither male or female, or that it shifts over time. These people refer to themselves as being genderfluid (for shifting gender identity), nonbinary (where they're neither male or female, but something else) or agender. There are also many other terms for gender identity but I will focus on the mainstream views and my own views on this blog.
  
• What is cisgender/cis? Is it a slur?
  Cis and trans are latin prefixes which essentially mean "on this side" or "on the opposite side", they're commonly used terms in chemistry but when discussing gender it's better to think of them as meaning "same as" or "different from". Cisgender refers to someone whose gender identity matches their gender assigned at birth, while transgender refers to someone whose gender identity is different from the gender assigned at birth.
  
  Please note that contrary to what some believe, cis/cisgender is NOT a slur, nor does it refer only to cisgender women - it also of course refers to cisgender men. There are certain groups who claim that cisgender is a slur, or even a particularly misogynistic slur.
  
  There is also a myth that cisgender refers to someone who fully embraces the stereotypes and social  roles associated with their gender assigned at birth. This myth is commonly spread by the same groups who claim cisgender is a slur - they also commonly state that they do not have a gender or gender identity. Very often you'll see someone say "I do not have a gender, I am not cis, I am a woman" or a similar statement - this is absolutely nonsensical and is a subject i'll cover in another post.
  
  When discussing trans issues, the term cis is used in much the same way as the term "straight" is used when discussing sexuality, or the term "neurotypical" used when discussing autism.
  
  Unfortunately a small minority of trans people have been known to say hateful things about cis people, with phrases such as "die cis scum" etc. These people do not represent all transgender people, and to view the cis/cisgender terminology as a slur simply because it has been used in a negative context is equivalent to viewing the word "gay" as an insult simply because it has been used in some contexts as an insult by homophobes.
  
  Note also that CIS (as some people type it) is not an acronym for "comfortable in skin", and neither does the term cis/cisgender refer to someone who is fully comfortable with all aspects of their gender or someone who embraces the social stereotypes and roles associated with it.
  
  Some groups have stated things like "no lesbian is cis", which is quite a nonsensical statement again - if taken with the correct meaning of the word, it would mean that all lesbians are trans. If anything, this would be an incredibly homophobic and misogynistic statement to say that all lesbians are actually men.
  
• What is a transwoman? What is a transman? An enby?
  Generally speaking, you should refer to people by what they identify as, that's just polite. People also generally refer to themselves as what they identify as.
  
  So if I identify as a woman, do you think i'd prefer to be called a transwoman or a transman?
  Put simply, a transwoman is someone who is transgender and identifies as a woman - i'm being careful with my phrasing here because not everyone who is a transwoman is necessarily assigned male at birth, there are complicating factors such as intersex conditions and those who are genderfluid.
  
  In a similar way, a transman is someone who is transgender and identifies as a man.
  
  For the sake of simplicity I will not cover the many other scenarios in this post, so for now you can think of it as this: A transwoman is someone who transitioned from male to female and is living as a woman, a transman transitioned from female to male and is living as a man. It gets complicated because not all transgender people do transition or live as their gender, and not all transwomen were assigned male at birth, and not all transmen were assigned female at birth - but this is the majority case.
  
  All you need to know is that a transwoman identifies as female, a transman identifies as male.
  
  As for an "enby", that is someone who identifies as nonbinary - this is a more complex concept than I can  get into here, but essentially nonbinary people do not identify as men or women, but rather something that is a mix of both, or neither.
  
  It should also be noted that a lot of people feel the word transwoman should be typed as "trans woman", with "trans" being an adjective in front of woman. We are women, and just like for example british women vs american women just have their nationality as an adjective in front of women, e.g "british woman" instead of "britishwoman", we should do the same for transwoman/transwomen. I only type it as "transwoman" out of force of habit and because I find it quicker to type that way. The same of course goes for transmen: "trans men" or "trans man" instead of "transmen" or "transman".
  
  Transwomen are women, not some kind of "other". We are of course different from cisgender women in many ways, but we ARE women.
  
• If you're a woman does this mean you're into guys? Are you gay?
  Short answer: no
  
  Longer answer: sexuality and gender are not the same thing, sexuality is about who you're attracted to and love and have relationships with. Gender is about who you are.
  
  I'm a woman, but i'm attracted to other women and i'm in a wonderful relationship with my beautiful wife. The term for that would be lesbian - so I am gay, but a gay women.
  
• Why did you transition if you're not gay?
  First of all, see the above answer - I am technically gay, but i'm not a gay man, i'm a lesbian.
  
  For many years this exact concept - that transwomen are some kind of "super gay" men - is what kept me closeted and in denial.
  
  I actually spent a long time in my teens being jealous of transwomen, because I liked girls and I thought it was unfair that just because I liked girls that meant I had to stay a boy - of course this belief of mine was completely wrong, and I wish i'd known that at the time. By the time I got into my 20s, i'd managed to almost completely repress my gender and associated feelings - and the results were ugly.
  
• What is gender dysphoria?
  First of all, please note that the term is dysphoria - NOT dysmorphia. Dysmorphia is something very different that I will explain below.
  
  Gender dysphoria primarily refers to the distress that transgender people feel due to their body not matching their gender, there are also other forms of gender dysphoria such as social dysphoria - which is the distress felt at being forced into the wrong gender role socially and being misgendered.
  
  For example, until I transitioned I was greatly distressed by my body hair, my rough skin, my lack of breasts and my male genitals. Socially I always felt weird being called by masculine pronouns and being praised as "handsome" and going by a male name, or having people assume masculine stereotypes about me (some of which to be fair were correct - i've picked up some stereotypical masculine behaviours due to spending most of my life as a man).
  
  Now i'm transitioning and on hormones, my body is changing and getting closer to how I want it to be, it's far more comfortable.
  
  Transition has also eased my social dysphoria as i'm able to go by female pronouns (she/her) and a feminine name (Gwen instead of Gareth - now my actual legal name) and a female title (Mrs).
  
• Why isn't being transgender a delusion? Isn't allowing transition like giving liposuction to anorexics?
  This is one that is commonly asked both by the honestly ignorant and by blatant transphobes and trolls. I hope that if you're one of these people that you are reading with an open mind and learn something.
  
  Anyway, transgender people are not delusional - when I look in my pants I do not see a vagina, I am not delusional about the physical nature of my body. If anything, I am painfully aware of it. Before transitioning I did not believe myself to have breasts (though I did suffer from phantom breasts - this is similar to phantom limb, except in my case it was a body part that I never had in the first place).
  
  Contrary to what some think, nobody who transitions believes that their chromosomes have altered unless they are truly delusional or misinformed - we know what we are. I know that I most likely have XY chromosomes (there's a tiny slim possibility I have XX, but it's such a small probability given that I not only was born with a male phenotype but I also have a son with a male phenotype that I might as well say I have XY - because it's almost certainly the case).
  
  Gene expression is altered by hormones of course, but we know our genes don't actually change.
  
  Body dysmorphia is what people suffering with anorexia get. Essentially they have a delusional belief in their obesity, and giving them liposuction will not fix that belief - if anything it might even reinforce it.
  
  Anorexics are also in great danger healthwise - if they lose too much weight their life is in danger.
  
  Transgender people though are in no immediate danger from being allowed to transition. Social transition has no health risks at all for example (aside from increased risk of being attacked by bigots) and has great mental health benefits. HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy) has medical risks for some people, and like any medication HRT meds can be overdosed on etc, but are generally safe. SRS (Sex Reassignment Surgery - "the op" as a lot of people still call it) has the same risks as any other major surgery including various complications - but only if it goes wrong, and not everyone gets it.
  
  Dysphoria is also relieved through treatment, by allowing transition you are not "playing along with their delusions", you are relieving suffering.
  
  My belief that I am a woman is not based on my physical body, it is based on accepting what my brain has been screaming at me all my life. Some would argue that the very nature of a delusion is that the brain has inaccurate beliefs, but gender is not like that - it's not possible to be delusional about your own beliefs and feelings.
  
  My belief that I am a woman is based on my gender - and as stated above, gender is the psychological and neurological aspects of sex. I'm actually an unusual case in this regard too, as for unrelated reasons I have had an MRI and have actually seen my own brain structure - this was while closeted and in denial, yet I was quite amazed at spotting structural aspects remarkably similar to a female brain.

That's all for this post, part 2 will go into my actual story, living up to the title ("how I came to realise i'm transgender"). Expect it to come in a couple of days, but for now if anything is unclear in this FAQ please feel free to comment below.

Also feel free to ask about anything not covered in the above FAQ and i'll do my best to answer. I'm not an expert in all of this (or at least I know no more than other trans people - who tend to be more knowledgeable than cisgender people for obvious reasons), but i'll do my best to answer people's questions.

See you all in part 2!