How Steemit Changed My Life and How I Have Grown As A Person
How Steemit Changed My Life and How I Have Grown As A Person
My Life Prior to Depression
I never had a problem making connections with others and I had many friends.
But that all changed at age 16 when a light switch went off in my head.
That’s what it felt like.
One day I was happy and go lucky then the next day…sad…depressed…scared.
I stopped engaging in school activities. I left the clubs I was in. I stopped hanging out with friends.
Drug Abuse and Self Medicating Depression
That was the start of my drug use and abuse.
I spent my entire college years on drugs.
I did all the drugs.
I’m not going to bother listing them all. If you can think of a drug, I did it.
I was at least a functioning drug abuser as I not only graduated, but graduated cum laude with honors.
The Sober Years
My parents came to pick me up and that was the beginning of my unintentional detox.
I lived with my parents miserable, sober, and lost for 6 months.
I didn’t know how to function sober. I had just spent the previous 5 years on mind altering substances.
I forgot what it felt like to be sober..... and it felt like shit.
I had been self medicating my depression with street drugs for 5 years and now the medication was gone.
So were my drug abusing friends.
I was alone.
At least I had my parents who looked at me like I was a disappointment and a failure.
The Pharmaceutical Years
So I moved to pharmaceutical drugs for depression and anxiety.
Did they help? I don’t even know.
Is feeling flat, emotionless, and dead inside helping?
Is that better than feeling overwhelming sadness and wanting to die?
I’ve had about 30 massive panic attacks in my life time and I can say that I would rather feel dead inside than have a panic attack.
But, there must be something more than just those 2 options.
The Lost Years
After I got sober it was like I was skinned and all my nerves were exposed. It was like a was a new born baby that had to learn life all over again.
I would walk down the street terrified with my eyes to the ground, sure that everyone was laughing at me and hating me.
I would speak like a meek tiny mouse because I felt worthless like my thoughts didn’t matter.
I always had music in me and was compelled to release it, but I didn’t want anyone to actually hear it.
It was my heart and soul and I was too weak and fragile to expose myself. Forget about playing out live, I couldn’t even handle someone looking at me when I was at the store, how could I possible go on stage with people staring at me?
Over time, I did share my music and I did play out, but I always felt uncomfortable and I didn’t like it.
It has been a slow and painful process of opening up and becoming a functioning, sober human being over the last 15 years.
There’s so many other issues that I could share, but for now I’ll just say that I can look back on my life and say that it has been a depressing disaster.
Steemit and the MSP Community
He’s right.
When I first joined Steemit I was even too terrified to post my own intro.
Shane helped me write most of it and I cringed as he hit the submit button.
I was too scared to actually talk to people in discord.
I actually asked Shane once to go into discord and pretend he was me and make friends for me which he of course refused to do.
Does that sound like something a crazy person would ask?
Yes…..yes it does.
Playing live music brings fear and terror to my soul, but I figured I could take a step to record a video of me playing for Steemit open mic. That experience has helped me grow so much as a person.
Each video that I've made gives me the confidence to open up more.
I’ve slowly shared a part of myself with each post that I make and it has given me the confidence to share even more of myself.
Doing live radio on MSP-waves even though I am scared has helped me to gain confidence overall.
Courage doesn’t mean not having fears. Courage is facing your fears and conquering them.
With the help of the MSP community, Steemit is helping me have the courage to face my fears more each day.
@isaria
You look so happy in this picture Isaria! I think it's really special that your being so open with your feelings and experiences here on steemit because I'd imagine most people have these feelings and it can be comforting to know we're not alone. It's so nice to watch people blossom ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you so much Julia!
Love and hugs <3
Like I said music helped me at an early age to get over my anxiety . Im glad things are working out and really honoured you shared your story here. Too long people have been to afraid to show their true feelings "too man up" while there soul is gnawed to death by fear. By revealing how you feel people will engage and say " I feel like that too" and then it doesn't seem so lonely. Granted it is less cool and unoriginal but still comforting
So true, I've had many people tell me how they can relate and that helps me feel less alone. I hope it helps them to feel less alone as well.
Beautiful post. You are wonderful and loved just as you are. I am glad you are letting your brilliance out for the world to see. We are all diamond light sparkles of the Eternal Sun.
Thank you for your beautiful words. <3
The article started with a beautiful photo, of a beautiful woman. As I read further, it was becoming difficult for me to digest the events with that pretty face. I can imagine what you've been through. I am seeing what you're now. I can see you'll continue to be an amazing person as you're helping the minnows here. I'm following you for sure. And will try to be as regular as I can on your blog.
Thank you so much, following you as well. <3
Pretty interesting how similar our paths were. I'm glad you're sober and finding your way now. :) Don't tell Shane but I'm pretty fond of the MSP cat lady. <3
I'm fond of my Clay Clay.
It'll be our little secret.....on the blockchain lol
<3
@isaria can definitely relate to a lot of your experience its sort of creepy we've been through all the same stages, Im just a couple months behind ya! Steemit truly has given me hope, so grateful for all you compassionate critical thinkers <3 ! See ya on the the PAL discord!
It's always nice to find someone on a similar path, I look forward to seeing you in PAL!
I love hearing this!
Thank you! <3
This is one of the bravest pieves of writing I've seen here on Steemit. Completely speechless here.
Thank you so very much, that means a lot to me.
<3
I can relate to this in several ways. I've only had 1 true panic attack, and I never want to have another one! I've had clinical depression for most of my adult life. It started in a subtle way, but ended up destroying my first marriage. I finally started getting help for it about 10 years ago, and I think I'm one of the lucky ones, because the first pill that was prescribed worked well enough that I've been able to cope with the ups and downs for the most part.
I'm glad that you have only had 1 panic attack and that your depression is being managed! That is wonderful. <3
Wow. I'm not going to pretend I can relate to any of this because i can't. But thank you for being brave and coming into discord. I love seeing you in there and talking to you. I'm really glad steemit and the MSP family are bringing you joy. Keep focusing on the good things. Where focus goes energy flows! 💜
"Where focus goes energy flows! 💜"
Words to live by, thank you Choo. <3
I have my moments.