Fuel for a Lifetime
I stumbled across a tweet today which hit me to my core.
One of the greatest gifts in life is to be disrespected early in your life. Even better if it comes from someone you admire. That shit will fuel you for a lifetime.
Even as I copied and pasted those words into this post, they hit me again. I guess they may not resonate as strongly with everyone, but they sure gave me “all the feels” - a little bit of a “punch bowl” of emotions if I am honest, because as much as I know the above statement to very much be a truth to me, that acknowledgement does not absolve the hurts and wounds encountered along the way.
I know I am carrying a lot. I don’t really share that “a lot” with many people, and perhaps I should endeavor to do so, but I suppose I have learned a certain manner of being over my 43 years of existence… and when it comes to matters close to the heart I am a particularly private person. Protection perhaps? Self preservation? - because the world has shown itself to be enormously cruel a lot of the time.
However, that said - I cannot deny that despite the cracks showing some days more than others, I know well that having people break me down, disrespect me, humiliate me or disregard me HAS in fact grown and moulded me into a rather resilient individual. Those moments have also gifted me with an almost bottomless source of empathy.
Having people be cruel to you on a level which makes you enter into an internal inquisition, is generally going to result in one of two things. it can shut you off or it can open you up - emotionally.
I think for me, it was possibly both.
I always try to understand the deeper “why” of something or someone, so I can better respond in a manner which does not perpetuate the negative, but at the same time and on the flipside of that coin - the older I get… the more strongly I feel about the importance of my voice and the message within. Many may argue the fact that I have “kept quiet” over the years, lol - but the truth is, I have - and in so many facets of my life too. I am grateful that the pain is beginning to change this.
Hurt can actually be an incredibly constructive emotion. Many don’t understand this.
Most of the time, people get stuck at the point of “anger”. Anger too, is a useful emotion when channeled in the right direction - but my point is, when you move past the anger, you generally encounter the pain, and once you allow the pain in - (and it normally sticks around for a period much longer than what anyone would consider comfortable or convenient, lol) you begin to move “through it” to the other side and that, is the door of understanding and acceptance.
Acceptance nurtures empathy and empathy opens your eyes.
Once your eyes are open you begin to find your voice.
I cannot even begin to express my personal levels of gratitude for finding mine. It took me long enough, lol! Nah, I know I would not have been ready at any other point in my life. Not even as little as three years ago. But I am ready to speak my mind and my heart now… as the quote by Maggie Kuhn goes -
Stand before the people you fear and speak your mind – even if your voice shakes. When you least expect it, someone may actually listen to what you have to say. Well-aimed slingshots can topple giants.
The younger me would have cowered away from my voice because that would mean animosity and strife. I would always go out “guns blazing” because I knew in my heart I was being true to myself, but then along the way - my spirit would get deflated by those who poked it in the first place and I would slowly start to doubt myself, ultimately retreating when in fact those were the moments when I likely should have stuck it out for just a little longer.
I recall my dad telling me a story a couple of years ago: My parents had separated when I was about five years old and my mom left. She was seeing another man. The details are a little blurry, but essentially my dad and her were to meet - most probably to talk or something and my dad had given her a place to stay in for a limited period of time and myself and my three brothers were with her.
His story to me was that when my dad eventually arrived at that place, I had gone up to him and said something along the lines of “daddy, he was here”. The impact of that moment and the reason for my dads recollection and sharing it with me was because, and in his words “you were the only one who told me and you were only 5”.
I guess I lost the volume in my voice somewhere along the way, but nothing has ever really changed. I will always do or say what my heart or instinct tells me is the right thing to do. I am just grateful that it is becoming a little more comfortable to do so nowadays than it has been for a long while.
“It is said that the boldest thing you can do is think for yourself, but I believe that it is bolder still to act on those thoughts and ideas despite certain criticism and objections. To be true to yourself—to look straight into your own eyes reflected in the mirror and be loyal to the person you see—is to be bold indeed.” - Richelle E. Goodrich
Criticism will come and go. People mostly have the attention span of “Ten Second Tom” from 50 First dates these days - but I will forever have to live with my choices and actions (or lack thereof) so that is where I shall keep my focus. Staying true to myself.
“Sometimes we don't understand the full picture of why we need to do what we feel led to do. Our job is simply to have the courage to honor what our soul is saying.” - Laurie E. Smith
Music, like many things... speaks loudly to me - so I would like to leave you with a song which for me, resonates a little of what I have written about. If you don't know it, I hope you enjoy it.
❤❤❤
I am grateful to be able to say that all of these photos are taken (by me) in a little village which I am blessed to call home.
Until next time...
Much Love from Country Bumpkinland, South Africa xxx
Jaynielea
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43 years old… such a wise age 😃
I looked up some of your comments on Hive, you’ve certainly found your voice over there 😂
Whilst my trigger’s never been cruelty from another, self-inquisition is something I’ve spent an increasing amount of time doing. On one level, it can be helpful, on another, not so much. Ignorance is bliss after all.
Seems to improve with every passing year, lol.
They made me cower away for two years. I came back (in peace) and alas... lol so yes, I am DONE being silenced in that space.
I exercise a lot of ignorance lol - it does make life a whole lot more enjoyable! haha!
Got to find the balance... otherwise you will end up weird and unhinged like me, haha :P
Nice to meet you @the-gorilla :)
I believe your experience on Hive reflects that of many others - There was a push to get plenty of reviews on Sourceforge about a year ago (https://sourceforge.net/software/decentralized-social-media-networks/ - you're welcome to share your experience if you haven't already 😉) and you can see from what people have written about Hive that there's plenty of anger there - which isn't surprising considering the entire platform was borne from a position of anger and hatred.
Unhinged is a given. I reflect to understand myself better...
It's nice to have you back 👋
I read through pretty much most of those reviews. Sickening really. Meh.
and yes, I will ABSOLUTELY be leaving my own review there. Just need to find a gap to do so!
Thanks for sharing that, I appreciate it.
Despite KNOWING I am well within my rights for standing my ground as well as feeling the way I do... those asswipes DO have a way of breaking a person down to the point of questioning just that.
So yes... thank you.
Hope you are having a super week so far!
It makes me grateful for the fork and for never having used Steemit when they were all here! Imagine if Hive was the only option! It just seems bizarre to me that they put so much effort into punishing people. Which reminds me... I read something about Narcissists the other day 😆
I have said similar often - it is almost as if their entire existence is centered around making other people miserable and they absolutely lose control when they dont HAVE control. True epitome of the word "bully".
Narcissistic - absolutely... also, another term for people like them - sociopaths, lol.
But yes... good riddance to bad rubbish! :)
True words. However... The less "hard way" would probably have made you just as mature and reflective a person. Just intrinsically formed and not led there by pressure and anger, disrespect and coercion. Just a guess... ;-))
Possibly... but I am not convinced, lol. I was always more of a "run into the wall 5 times before you learn anything" girl. haha! But I do appreciate the vote of confidence and definitely respect the positive perspective on it! :)
...LOL! Something like that - yes.
No matter how I turn it, true wisdom inevitably seems to be something we gain through pain. Absent the pain, I always felt like I was just guessing; or theorizing.
I never "did anger" well, and I'm typically not given to getting angry, unless pushed into an untenable situation. I do pain far better, but not in a self-destructive masochistic sort of way.
I'm unlikely to lash out, but I will (sometimes gladly!) give someone plenty of rope to hang themselves with. I mean, watching a downfall that results from "guided self-discovery" is so much more satisfying than simply kicking someone in the nuts. That probably makes me a horrible person...
You're one of the bravest and strongest people I have the privilege of knowing... and no douchecanoe can take that away from you!
"Douchecanoe". hahaha!!! That word alone made my day, lol!!!!
And thank you! You know I value YOU and your voice... so that means a lot to me.
Life is a funny thing really - after the HUNDREDS of people I engaged with for some years, I can literally count on my fingers the ones I would give the time of day to now.
I think one of the things I always appreciated about you most was your level headed approach to pretty much ALL of life. I have it too... but I do lose it along the way from time to time, lol!
I write it off to Gemini problems. My two twins live in a constant state of conflict, lol.