GRATITUDE saved my life

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend - Melody Beattie

I can remember the morning that my life and my perspective on absolutely EVERYTHING changed forever! I literally opened my eyes that day and everything made sense to me. I no longer just understood the words of the things I had read or seen - I suddenly FELT them!

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When my son was two months old, his father walked out on the two of us as well as our marriage of eight years. It was an exceptionally difficult time in my life. To give you a little background, it was an abusive marriage – physically and emotionally and despite the fact that I knew this, I saw no way out.

Anybody who sees me today would not believe that I am the same person I was seven years ago. I had been broken down mentally and emotionally to such an extent that I no longer even felt like myself. There was absolutely NOTHING left of “ME”.

I was so emotionally “weak”, that I used to CREATE arguments with my “then” husband, taking the wrath that came along with them, in the desperate hopes that he would eventually get fed up and leave, giving me a way out of that utterly toxic marriage.

Well, it worked. He eventually ended up having an affair during my pregnancy and then moved out.

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As much as I knew in my soul, that this was definitely the best thing for both my son and I – I could not see it at that point. I simply couldn’t breathe. Now that he was gone, along with all his anger, bitterness, jealousy and abusiveness, I didn’t know what to do with myself.

I was lost! – Hopeless to the core.

I no longer knew who I was by myself and it felt like I was being suffocated by my complete state of despair. I did not know how I was going to carry on living. There are actually no words adequate enough to describe how desperately DEAD I felt at that point in my life.

Through the course of it all, and just prior to our divorce, I had stumbled across a book called “The Power of Intention” by Dr. Wayne W Dyer. I had read it several times and had also made a copy of it, so that I could take notes. I used to start every single morning by putting on the DVD “The Secret” and would listen to it whilst getting ready for work. I understood the concepts. It made sense. It was logical, practical and I thought I “got it”.

I didn’t.

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You know what they say… when you hit rock bottom, the only way is UP. Well, it took me being at rock bottom to completely grasp this.

The morning it changed, was different because I opened my eyes and the first thought that crossed my mind was “You have NO right to have so much POWER over my life and my emotional state of being.”

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(I just had to share that quote... it is from one of my all time favourite movies... "The Labyrinth" - and well, it is just so fitting!)

In that one fleeting moment my world changed. It felt as though the rock on my chest had been lifted off. I got out of bed, and actually made an effort to look good – and that FELT good! I went to work and opened up my shop and started to face all the things I had been sweeping under the rug, since I had simply not felt emotionally equipped to deal with them.

Stepping back onto that horse was particularly challenging, but I walked in and I did it. Everything was in such a mess, but I took a breath and started – one thing at a time.

As the days passed, the chaos on the business front started to diminish, people started to compliment me, telling me that I was looking good and I – started to feel good.

I could breathe again.

I had enormous support from family and friends, near and far. They all played a pivotal role in that part of my journey.

This particular track was a saving grace given to me by @fionasfavourites at the time. Amazingly enough, I always hated this song... I don't anymore. It became my every morning mantra...

They offered me their words of support and motivation, songs to get me going, they embraced me and welcomed me into their circles and slowly but surely my life started to change.

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What I mentioned in the beginning of this post that I did not TRULY grasp – was FEELING GRATITUDE to my core. In that one moment, I realised that no person has the right to destroy another’s soul to the point where they no longer see any value in themselves. We ALL have a purpose here on this earth and we are all EQUALLY important.

In that second, I understood gratitude. I was grateful for that realisation, so, so grateful! It was as if my soul saw me lying on the floor and gently came and picked me up, embracing me, telling me “you can shine now.”

Everything I looked at was different after that.

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My little boy - that I was almost resentful towards because of what had transpired and the mess that I was left to handle when I was least equipped to do so, suddenly became the blessing he always was.

My business – that I had built, was still mine. That too, was a blessing – I very nearly gave it up because I simply felt like I could not cope with it.

After that, I started to remember how to smile, laugh and I looked at EVERYTHING around me with a lot more attention. I gave everybody as much love as I could and gave them whatever I could in terms of my attention, advice, time or presence.

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I crossed so far over that bridge that it actually got to a point where my ex-husband was coming to talk to me about the troubles he was having in his new marriage. Everybody who knew about this looked at me like I was crazy – “why would you help him” they would ask me.

Why wouldn’t I?

Every single circumstance in every single person’s life has shaped them into the character they are currently. They too, have suffered. They too, are damaged. I am not perfect, so I am in absolutely NO position to judge them and yes, he broke me, more so than anybody else in my life, but he was genuinely sorry and will regret his choices for the rest of his life – but that is his journey. And the reality is, I had forgiven him – because I NEEDED to do that in order for ME to be able to move on with my life.

Anger and bitterness is only useful to a point. Then you need to let go of it or channel it at something more constructive.

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I will never look at life the same again. I am grateful for absolutely everything that comes my way now - The good, the bad and the ugly. I have accepted that I am “imperfectly perfect” – and so is everybody else. There is a wonderfully liberating state of being that comes with this realisation.

When you wake up tomorrow, try to appreciate the details of your life – even the frustrating ones. Be simply thankful for the fact that you woke up in the first place – no matter what you have to face in your day ahead, or how much your kids or colleagues might annoy you.

Look for the good in EVERYTHING! Stop looking at the bad! If your spouse is irritating you, shift your focus off that and think about something that you love about them. If your kids are frustrating you, stop, breathe and remember that you too were young once with the same level of uninhibited energy and spirit.

Life in itself is a blessing and it is a journey that should not be squandered.

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No matter where you stand right now, you can seek out the positive and be thankful for those fragments, no matter how small.
Finding the true MEANING, FEELING and EXPERIENCE of gratitude - saved my life.

It will do the same for you if you give it the chance to…

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Until next time...

Much Love from Cape Town, South Africa xxx