Depression and losing control.

Going deep. Beginning at the age of 16, I suffered from depression. I hated being alone. I sought out people in order to feel better about myself. From that state of mind, I often found those that would obligingly make me feel better about myself, until either I chased them away, or they abandoned me. I had several near successful suicide attempts, with scars still remaining. When things got tough, I got going. With me, fight or flight, in those days, was always flight.

Then, at some time in my early 30's, I started to grow up and take some personal responsibility for the scrapes I had gotten into, and for the fact that I had lost another business, and was close to living in a cardboard box on the streets somewhere. I started to understand that I wasn't alone, and that the people I was blaming for my personal failures, like my parents, were actually doing the best they could under the circumstances of their life and times.

So, I learned forgiveness inside my heart and soul, and appreciation, instead of resentment, for my parents and became thankful for the aspects of each of them that probably gave me the best traits of who I have become.

Given those lessons, not necessarily unique to me, I pulled myself up and got on with life. I learned that I still had self-empowerment, I was no longer a victim, I could reconnect with my soul, and I could survive. And, I stopped being stuck in deep depression over a decade ago, without drugs. I figured out how to self-empower myself.

But, suddenly, I am experiencing small shreds of those long gone feelings of depression. Suddenly, I am feeling that no matter my learned independence and self-empowerment, something really evil is encompassing all of us.

We really, all of us, should stand up boldly and resist this absolute muzzled fascist state being thrust upon us. We are many, they are few. What kind of reality do you want to live in? Total control, or freedom? My early years of depression were my illusion that I was not in control. I figured out later how to be in control of myself. World, don't fail me, or you, now! Just stop being afraid of the boogie man. Only YOU exist with the ability to stop this insanity!