How to succeed in the modern office..... If you can't be gray, be average. Part 1

No matter what office you work in, the chances are that you started off with some kind of ambition.
This could be a fatal flaw in terms of having a successful career in an office.

Hard work and skills are not enough to propel you forwards.
Or even desired, not in this environment.
Meritocracies rarely exist in the modern office.

Political correctness and being as bland as a bowl of cous cous without salt, is the best way forwards.

What you need to do, is arm yourself with different tactics altogether. In a competitive modern office world, you need to learn to play the game of office politics.
This entails subsuming any personality and character traits you may have, so as not to stand out in way, shape or form.
(the longer you stay in your office environment, the easier this will become, all due to your soul dying, just that little bit more everyday).

Before we get started on the details, it’s important for you to be aware of your strengths and weaknesses.

Remember - You are in control of your actions, your knowledge, and your approach to the world.

YOU CHOSE to work in a soul destroying environment.
YOUR KNOWLEDGE was insufficient enough. (you thought it was a good idea to work in an office, right?)
YOUR APPROACH to the world was for safety and security. Life itself, nor an office, can provide these things.

While there is nothing anyone can do about another persons choices, knowledge or approach, you can learn how to make the best of the catastrophic decision that you've made.

First of all, you have forget about that tightening feeling of the noose around your neck (called a tie), and that sinking feeling in your stomach every morning, as you leave the house that you never spend anytime in, due the hours you work, to afford your house.
YOU MUST FORGET THIS KIND OF THINKING.

You must forget the feeling of working with people so dull, that they make cous cous (without salt) look a bit dangerous.
Feelings are your enemy. They make you feel things.

NOTE:
You need to suppress these thoughts of the drowning desperation, kind, but for only 25 or so years.
In fact, suppressing any thoughts of any kind, is definitely the best way forwards, once you've committed yourself to the 'office life'.
You're not here to enjoy it, you're here to survive.

Let’s start from the beginning.

Dressing the part.

Dressing well is our stock and trade, because office people are so shallow that what you wear, definitely makes you who you are as a person.
That's a scientific fact.
You firmly believe that the way you dress will affect your success at the office.
And this it 100% true.
Everyone believes the same thing about dress codes, so it's important that you don't stand out and think differently.

Most intelligent people like to think that they don’t judge other people based solely on what they wear, but we are dealing with office people here. Never confuse the two, it can lead to all sort of problems.
The truth is, that appearances DO matter to these 'office people', and therefor you have to adopt the same perspective.
Never stand out no matter what the circumstances.

Think to yourself (or better still, read an office 'lifestyle magazine' and let it do the thinking for you)

Ask the question:
What do the most successful people wear to work?
What about the people who don’t seem to be going anywhere?
The best place to be is somewhere just below what the most successful people wear, and high above the total losers.
It says to everyone ' I know how to copy successful people, but I'm still average'.

_We’d advocate setting aside any of your own style preferences so as to mimic the office uniform.

You can still express your individuality however, simply by choosing the color of your underwear for yourself (unless your partner does that for you, in which case, we would suggest staying quiet).

For a full explanation of dress codes, and how to be told about how to think about office wear, check out GQ, and other high quality lifestyle, and intelligent, publications.
They do the thinking, so you don't have to.

We all know of that guy who's bulldozed his way to the top, ignoring the kinds of advice given here, but also bear in mind, he's probably a narcissist with exploitative, egotistic, and jealous tendencies.
He probably wears what he wants, and is very politically incorrect.
He's nothing like you.

Having a self belief in one’s skill and drive can be a great way to get ahead in the real world.
But we are not in the real world, we are in an office.
We have to think that we are not special in any way, and especially not that way.

We have to see how special it is to be average, and revel in the joy of fitting in.

The question then is, how do you get ahead with such a mediocre outlook on life?

Do you want to be respected, admired, and considered to be credible?

Forget it, as you will never achieve any of those things.
(And nor would you want to, for that means being noticed.)

You need to be be mindful of how your actions look to everyone else, at all times, and always give priority to their opinions over your own beliefs.
Always be thinking about what other people think about you.

Brown nosing the boss will not go unnoticed by your colleagues, so you HAVE TO make sure that you do it out of sight.
Brown nosing is undoubtedly one of the best ways to get ahead in the office environment.

Always make sure you avoid developing the reputation as someone who deserves what they get. It will catch up to you eventually. You will be seen as not average, and even colorful, and this must be avoided at all costs.
Nothing good ever came from standing out from the crowd.

Never ask for recognition or promotion either, as the incessant brown nosing you've been doing, if done well enough, and for long enough, should take care of that for you very nicely.

Minimize Gossip & Negativity:

This cannot be overstated enough.

Gossip is expected in every office workplace, as there is nothing interesting to talk about.
Faking commiseration at another colleagues loss at promotion really helps to build the social structure of your office, and lets you fit in- so try to be as fake as you can as much as humanly possible.

Participating in spreading gossip or encouraging negativity can quickly become part of your reputation and best avoided.

The office is full of people reading self help books, and 'the positive outlooks on life' style of books, and any negativity will be greatly frowned up - putting you in a very negative light.
You may even find yourself cut out of conversations involving Deepak Chopra, if you are not perceived to be as enlightened as all the other members of staff.

So you must never let the reality of your mind numbing, banal existence, get you down.
Instead, try to focus on the positive, and remind yourself that in a few decades it will all be over.

In part 2 we will be telling you how to think about other aspects of office life existence.

Things like:

1/ How to behave professionally at the office party, with the young receptionist coming onto you. (it's unlikely, as the young receptionist will probably still have some residue of character and self respect from the outside world, but we'll cover it anyway).

2/Never abusing the perks of your job. Taking home four pencils and half a dozen paper clips may seem ok to you now , but never forget - IT IS THEFT.
This kind of disrespect for authority will get you nowhere in the the office environment, and may even lead to 236 years in prison!

3/ How to copy someone who has already done well.
This is an essential skill in the office, as copying is far better than being original. Originality leads to meritocracies, and we don't want any of that in OUR office, now do we?

...and much, much, more....