@maninayton Describes His Desent Into Depression and Holds Out A Helping Hand To Fellow Sufferers - Part 1 of 2
Depression is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of trying to remain strong for far too long. Anon.
Image courtesy of graur codrin at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
First Of All - No Apologies
This is the first of a two-part post about depression and in particular how depression affected me. It will probably make uncomfortable reading for many and some may even stop reading altogether.
I'm sorry if you feel that way but I will not apologise for posting it.
Look at it this way. If I were to talk about my struggle to overcome a physical disability I would rightly be applauded. However, as soon as the talk turns to depression, a lot of people's attitudes change. They either feel embarrassed and don't want to discuss it or they back away as if depression is something that can be caught.
But depression and mental health in general need discussing and bringing out into the open. Depression ruins the lives of the sufferer and of those around them. Depression is not 'all in the mind' and the sufferer does not 'snap out of it'. It is a real physical condition and can be a silent killer.
Depression requires medical help and treatment.
Depression Is A Selfish Condition
I can only speak from my own experience when I describe depression as a selfish condition. It caused me to become very self-centered. I believed that no-one else could understand the problems I was having and that how bad the world was being to me.
I became very intolerant towards others if their views differed from mine. I would actively seek to avoid people rather than engage in conversation. This even applied to those who were close to me.
My whole world revolved around my own misery and how I was feeling. Others didn't matter. They were not part of this world that I indulged myself in.
Perhaps the worst part of my depression was that I didn't realise I was the way I was. To me, it seemed as if this was the way things were meant to be. Only now that I am on the other side looking back at myself can I see how bad things really were. Sadly they were not only bad for me but also for those around me.
Other Symptoms
My depression also manifested itself in other ways.
My mind wouldn't switch off. I would mull over things for hours. Even something I had absolutely no control over - an item of news I had heard for example - would send my brain working overtime. There would be no rational reason as to why but my mind would churn through countless scenarios all of which were ultimately fruitless.
Because of this I found I couldn't sleep very well. I would go to bed late, sleep for a few hours and then be wide awake until early morning. I would invariably get up at 4am or so rather than lie there with my mind whirling. This meant that I would then end up going to bed in the afternoon and sleeping for hours. My sleeping patterns became totally disrupted.
I had episodes of 'brain fog' where I couldn’t even accomplish the smallest of tasks. Making a hot drink became a major undertaking. It was as if my mind had been filled with thick treacle and my thoughts had to fight their way through.
My physical health also suffered. I started to have bouts of severe stomach cramps which would last for most of the day. I broke out in full body hives every couple of months for no apparent reason. I was always feeling run down and tired and had no energy for things I previously used to enjoy.
I also turned to drink. I could easily work my way through a couple of bottles of wine a night. I now know drink was my crutch, my support mechanism to help me cope with what I was going through. It gave me a period of time where I felt I was in control again but of course it only made things worse. While I was able to pull the comfort blanket of alcohol around my shoulders I saw no reason to seek help.
Then I hit a wall.
in Part 2 of this post I will talk about a period of time that was very bad for me but also show that you can emerge from the dark tunnel of depression and out into the light.
If This Post Has Affected You
If you feel you may be going through depression yourself please, please, please seek help. Talk. Tell someone you know and trust about how you are feeling be they family or friends. That is the biggest first step you can take. If that isn't an option for whatever reason then maybe you could try a doctor or some other health professional.
Failing that is there some organisation dealing with mental health issues you could get in touch with? Here in the UK for example, we have the Samaritans who are only a phone call away. Have a look on the Internet for some local group you can talk to.
The same advice applies to those who may know someone who they think is depressed. Don't approach them directly but seek advice from a health professional or organisation as to what to do. They will be able to advise you on your next steps and, just importantly, advise you on how to care for yourself. Living with, or being friends with, someone who has depression can take its toll on you too. You also need to look after yourself.
It is so easy for me to sit here and type advice but I know it is a lot harder to follow it if you are in a bad place. If you feel unable to do any of the above just yet then please drop me an email here practicalmindfulness@gmx.com for a chat.
Be aware that I am not, and do not intend to give the impression of being, trained in anyway to help those with depression or mental health issues. However, I have gone through such things myself and I can lend a sympathetic ear. At the very least you will have reached out and made a start on the path to recovery. I check my email almost every day and I will get back to you within the shortest possible time.
On a lighter note please consider following me (I will reciprocate). Some of my posts are about mental health issues while others cover a wide range of subjects. For a taster of my musings please follow these links:-
A local landmark created by a giant....well maybe.
Space Debris - Part 1 - The Problem
More about Space Debris - Part 2 - The Effects
A Dome For All Seasons - Part 1
A Dome For All Seasons - Part 2 - The saga continues.....
Is social media a force for good?
Sunset over the North Yorkshire Moors
My first attempt at digital art
How too much news may not be good for us
Another one on how dogs can help us
Until next time - take care of yourselves....
My problem is with how depression is treated medically. It's called a chemical imbalance, but nobody knows what chemicals are out of balance and there's no definitive test...So to increase revenues for Big Pharma, they guess (It's the really expensive chemicals that are out of balance, it turns out). I think a good counselor, or therapist, if you can find one (most are on the payroll of Big Pharma). My advice is to find someone you trust and talk it out with them. I fought Vietnam for 25 years after I came back... it was after I opened up and talked about it that I overcame alcohol and drugs. I wish you the very best my friend... I'm here!
Thanks for the thought @richq11. I fully agree with your comments about Big Pharma and how they manipulate the medicine market but I do think in my case at least the medication I'm on has been a life saver. I did try to come off them at one point but crashed again so I believe I do need that extra dose of Serotonin to function properly. We are cushioned over medical expenses over here in the UK due to the NHS so the cost of drugs and the rip off of Big Pharma isn't such an issue in the minds of the public. Perhaps if should be. I'm also very lucky in that I have a great family to whom I can confide things so the talking side is taken care of. I'm pleased to see you have conquered your demons. Despite serving in the army I count myself lucky not to see any action so I can only imagine what you must have gone through over in Vietnam.
I'm here for you also if you feel the need to talk at any time. My email is in the post if you need it. Until we meet on Steemit again, take care, my friend :-)
A really insightful story, particularly as one of my sons has just come out of years of chronic debilitating depression. None of us were aware of how severe it was as he lived far away and we hardly saw him.
I spent six exhausting weeks with him living here in my "hermitage". He didn't want to be here in solitude in the middle of nowhere, but he had been evicted and had nowhere else to go.
He's a changed man now, but it was heartbreaking thinking that we were so unaware of his condition.
Thank you for sharing this very personal story.
I'm glad things are turning out better for your son. The thing about depression is that it not only affects the sufferer but also those around them. I hope you have recovered as well. I've nearly done part 2 and will be posting that soon. Thanks for reading and commenting. Take care.
I too once was in the same place as you. But I overcame it with the help of my friends and family hoping that things will better. And guess what, it did get better.
Things always do get better but it can be very hard to realise that when you are in the midst of depression. Thanks for your comment :-)
You're welcome. We just need to have faith in ourselves.
Very true.