Just last week I hit what some consider a huge milestone in ones life. I turned 20. Some may think this isnt such a big deal but for me it is. When I was younger I was bullied, sure it may not have been as bad as other cases of bullying but I was lonely, I had no friends and I was sure I would not have been able to survive past high school. I thought about killing myself, a lot. But I never came close to actually doing it because deep down I knew sometime in the future things would get better... and they did. 20 years later I'm the happiest I have been since 3rd or 4th grade. I'm starting to not look so down on myself and focus on the positive rather than the negative. After 20 years here on the things I've learned.

I DO MATTER

For years and years during middle and high school I thought no one liked me and that I would possibly never have a friend again I just couldn't imagine it I seriously thought the whole world was out to get me. One of my friends even stopped hanging out with me because I was too nice. Another stopped hanging out with me because I was friends with a girl he liked even though our relationship was completely platonic. Once High school ended I set out to try and make a new name for my self during college. While at first it went well, after a couple months things started to go south. My dorm mates started resenting me and stopped asking me to hang out or at times even acknowledge me. I was lonely and again started slipping back into depression. I thought for hours about transferring and where I could go but I decided to try one for semester before I made a decision. This was one of the best choices of my life. Second semester I decided to join a fraternity, through this experience I found that I do matter and people do want me as a friend. I grew so much from that experience and I wouldn't have wanted to spend my second semester anywhere else.

Before I find love I need to work on myself

Ever since high school I've always been that one friend who was never in a relationship, despite friends saying that I deserved someone and that they would help me it never happened. I wanted a girl friend but it just never happened. I always found my self in the friend zone or just getting flat out rejected. Come college time I tried the hook up thing twice but it didn't really do anything. Met another girl tried to date her but again got friend zoned. After that I knew something was up I did not know why I kept getting rejected so I decided to stop trying and work on my self. While its been hard I committed to one thing. Stop watching pornography. That has been one of the hardest things I have ever done, there were some weeks where I could do it and others where I couldn't I just had to watch it. But one thing i noticed in the weeks I didn't was my change in mood. I slowly stated to feel better each day. Now during the summer I'm on week 2 and I'm feeling better than I ever have. I'm more confident In myself and I have more energy.