Facility 1

The Good Lady sashayed past me in a whirl of skirts and hair. Before I could blink she had plopped down a plastic bowl in front of me.

Does Daddy want some banana?

She husked at me in a tone she normally reserved for the broom cupboard when there were guests staying.

Closing my eyes, I willed away the pulsing of my yard-arm and girded my loins in preparation for whatever insane food she had decided to serve up. If she was being flirty then it must be bad.

Very bad.

I winced as the images of previous breakfasts flashed through my mind, some clinging on like wet toilet paper on a shoe.

Fuck it.

I opened my eyes.

Well, that was odd. I recognised what was in the plastic bowl. It was something that anyone would recognise. And it wasn't minging.

Popcorn!

Chirruped the Good Lady.

I can see that.

I said my lips twitching up in a half smile.

I don't know if I will have time for a movie though, I have work to get to.

I chortled at my own joke before scanning around for my breakfast. Which was nowhere to be seen. I popped a piece of popcorn in my mouth and hurriedly tamped down a boaking gag reflex. It tasted of nothing, no, that was a lie. It tasted of starch and nothing.

Erm, the popcorn doesn't have any taste? You know my favourite is salted caramel toffee corn?

The Good Lady sat down primly opposite me with her own bowl of plain starch.

I asked if Daddy wanted a banana...

Again the husky flirty tone.

I felt my mutton sword jerk in its sheath. Damn you, be still.

You know I hate banana?

The Good Lady waved one at me before opening and slicing it in nanoseconds, depositing the pieces into her own bowl of dry corn shapes.

You should try it, it's lovely with the corn.

She heaved her bosoms at me whilst eating a dry mouth of mulch. I shuddered and tried not to think of a sexy cow munching on straw.

What's with the popcorn anyway? It's not food?

I whined, my body torn between eating the dry muck in front of me or whipping the poky pastrami out and chasing the good lady around the kitchen with it.

It is food. In fact, it is going to be food for the next five days. It's insanely good for losing weight and healthy too.

I looked suspiciously at the Good Lady's slender frame. She did seem to have a thing about losing weight, yet she needed to lose none? My inner detective rose up from the shadows and whispered in my ear.

Hang on. Do you think I need to lose weight?

I stood, my body a quiver with outrage. My lean frame the product of years in the fighting pits, how dare she challenge it.

We could all lose a pound or two, Daddy-Bear?

She said with a sweet smile as if she were cutting off the heads of blackbirds to put in a pie.

I shook my head.

Not this guy, I am a perfectly honed machine. Now, enough of this twoddle, I have to get into the office. Today might be the day I get a new case.

I picked up my Fedora and with a huffy swing of my long coat, exited the house.

The office was quiet when I arrived which was peculiar. I was a little late due to stopping off at the local cafe for a roll and bacon. It was so good I got two more, which meant a later arrival than normal.

Where was everyone?

Then I heard a murmuring near the top of the office at the little kitchen area.

I tilted my Fedora up and headed over.

Five or six of my colleagues were standing around the old fridge in the kitchen. Its door was open and a viscous purple fluid was leaking out into a great puddle on the floor.

What's going on here then?

I asked aloud.

One of my colleagues, Penfold, turned to me and gazed at me with his watery eyes through thick glasses.

It's a disaster! The power seems to have failed overnight and all the food in the fridge is spoiled!

He wailed.

My soya milk! I need it for my oats! Was it the fuse, has the fuse gone?

Gnashed Aunt Fanny beside Penfold.

I looked at them all contemptuously as they bemoaned the loss of their dairy products. Then I stopped. My eyebrow raised up like a Meerkat's penis at the bingo.

I stepped closer to the Fridge.

The fuse didn't go... The power didn't fail.

I strode forward another step and pointed accusingly at the switch on the plug socket for the Fridge.

It was in the off position.

It was deliberately switched off...

There was a collective gasp from the onlookers. I looked at them all sternly as if they were a defective hand dryer in a toilet.

And I am going to find out who did it...