Shakin That Mass

I see you baby...

I jerked my head around and gave the Bear-Man the kind of look I give my old Window Cleaner when he asks to be let out of the basement and back to his family.

I was in the Beer Shop for my Friday beer browse and it was relatively quiet. Well, when I say relatively quiet, I mean it was deserted.

Just me and the big hairy bearded beast they call the Bear-Man.

He had been quiet too, at least till now. As I glared at him, he pulled himself out from behind his counter and did one of his funny little dances which made it look like he was skiing in slow motion whilst squeezing gerbils to death in his meaty fists.

I see you baby...

He repeated, his lips gleaming redly as he leered at me evilly.

Oh god. Please don't sing the rest of it. For the love of all that is holy, please don't finish that line. Don't say that you see me shakin that ass?! I thought desperately.

Shakin that ass...

The Bear-Man sang as if reading my thoughts.

I edged back and adopted the Sailing Monkey pose I had learned from my days at the Shan Temple.

Shakin that ass... Shaking that ass...

The Bear-Man edged toward me, his dancing taking on a menacing turn as if he were wading through waist-high piles of shit songs.

I am NOT shaking my ass.

I said in a no-nonsense tone. It's best to nip this type of thing in the bud and fast or next thing you know someone ends up forked.

And not in a good way.

The Bear-Man straightened up and giggled before his face turned deadly serious.

I was only joking. I am not interested in your ass. I am only interested in Black Ass's.

He grimaced as if he were at the two girls house and they had given him coffee in a cup that didn't look very clean.

I dunno if it's fine to say that?

I said tentatively, ever wary of being hunted down and killed by hordes of angry internet people because I used words to describe colours.

The Bear-Man threw his head back and guffawed.

I was only fucking with ya. I ain't interested in black asses.

He chortled.

I felt a wave of relief wash over me despite my ass being quite a tighty whitey.

The Bear-Man was devilishly close to me now, having crept up unnoticed whilst we spoke. His face turned bleak and cold.

I'm only interested in Black Masses.

An odd silence hung in the air after this statement.

I don't know if that's any better than saying you liked black asses?

I said, stifling the urge to gulp as I noticed he was between me and the door.

Was this it? Was I to be sacrificed to some dark god in the back of his shop? Would there be candles and shit?

I fucking hate candles.

Hahaha!! Not even if it's this?

He stabbed a hand out to the shelf beside me and pulled a black and mean looking can down.

I took it and turned it in my hand.

It's vegan?

I said, making a face as if lifting a cat and accidentally feeling one of its nipples.

It's got two types of coffee in it.

He answered, giving me a knowing nod.

Hmmph, fucking vegans. Alright then, I will give it a whirl.