Shadows of pain

When taking this picture I was in quite a lot of pain, but my husband wanted to capture that side of the pregnancy as well. I remember telling him that I can't do it because it was so hard to stand or move. In between the photos I leaned upon the wall (there are couple of pics of that as well) and just tried to breath. In this picture the pain is still somewhat bearable but when it really hit me I was in tears and shouting out loud. I am glad I have these photos.

This was my first pregnancy so I didn't know what is 'normal'. Friends with kids told me that they also had all kinds of pains during the last months so I figured I simply have to deal with it. I had the image that my pain tolerance is not that high so I was also blaming myself for not handling it better.

The first time the pain started it woke me up from a very deep sleep. Suddenly my eyes were wide open and I heard myself scream. My husband jumped out of the bed and nervously asked if he should call an ambulance. I was able to answer that I would call to the hospital first and ask the midwifes what I should do. After the phone call we were driving to the hospital.
All they said in there was that I was probably having contractions. I remember thinking that if these are contractions I will never get through the birth.

But they were not contractions. The further the pregnancy went the more often and more intense the pain got. Once the ambulance took me, the other times my husband drove. During all these visits to the hospital no one could figure out what the problem was. The reason of the pain stayed a mystery.

When the labor finally started I was eating hot wings and was dealing with "some ache", as I said to my husband. I had no idea that soon my water would break. Even after that I still stayed at home for a couple of hours though the contractions came in every 3 minutes. I had no problem whatsoever dealing with that level of pain. It was so much less painful than the pain I had gotten used to.

Maybe I was lucky that I got that pain. At the time it really didn't feel that way but It taught me something about myself and actually other people too. When you don't have any other choice, you can do it. You can deal with anything and survive. I knew that I had that tiny life inside me I needed to protect and I would have done absolutely anything and gone through months and months of pain just to make sure she will be alright.

And when she was born, she was beautiful. All of the pain was not only worth it but it taught me even more about myself. I feel I have been battle tested, I think every mother has been. I think it is nature's way of preparing me for all the pains that are to come, all of the trials we will face. I know I can do it, I have proven it already, I can do it again.

Hugs, Momone