Loving You Like Rain Philosophy

There are times when I feel like I'm not loved.

One and a half years is not a short time, and I still can't understand how Aksara wants to live this relationship; where will it be taken? What will it end like? If the question seems too far-fetched, I will simplify it like this: has he ever even briefly thought about loving me?

Stupid question, right? If you're dating, it's clear that you love each other. But with Aksara, everything feels impossible. I myself am confused as to why I have survived this far while I never got the things I wanted from him.

The script made me confused about where my mistakes were, which made him reluctant to give me a piece of my heart, it also made me dislike myself even more because my shortcomings were always visible in his eyes. But the more I want to go away, the more pain it makes me.

What kind of love hurts like this?

"Break up, Dis, you're strong enough to survive this far."
"It's not that easy, Kat," I answered, "I once asked to break up, but Aksa didn't give me one."

Katia, in her most confused expression, played with the straw in her half-filled drink glass. "Do you feel like you're playing a puzzle with him? You put the pieces together alone, you look for the missing pieces alone."
“It's more like playing hide and seek in a maze; The game is over, I'm still stuck."
"Oh, girl, why are you only telling me now, Dis? You've been dating for a year and a half and I thought you were fine? "Because you've never looked that nervous when facing him, so I'm trying to accept it even though Aksa doesn't look that good."
“Sorry, Kat,” I was in the wrong from the start, “sorry.”
"Don't say sorry to me, say it to yourself."

The woman who loves pastel colors in front of me is a friend who has been by my side for years. I felt bad for Katia for keeping all this a secret from him. I know Katia will feel sad if I tell her everything, so I won't worry her as much as possible. Even I also think I can still handle everything alone. My imagination played a film with a sweet scene where Aksara and I stopped playing yesterday's play and started our relationship seriously; with all the heart.

In the end, no matter how long I waited, no matter how hard I tried to get his attention—the scene never played. Everything is still the same. A character that I don't understand what he wants, and I still love him.

The Pradipta character in my eyes is a man who is younger, with a character who is still far from being considered mature. Aksara was in her final year of high school when she confessed her feelings to me. As for our initial meeting, you could call it just a coincidence. I was just visiting the city library and reading solemnly on the front page as usual, and that day Aksara—with his uniform crumpled and sticking out of his trousers—bumped into me by accident. Whether he didn't see me sitting on the grass or what, what was clear was that the books in his arms fell apart and one of them was thrown into the fish pond. Immerse completely.

At that time, Aksara was panicking, without realizing it, we stole a lot of attention from the people around us. In the end, I apologized and helped him talk to the librarian. And I also paid the fine because the man didn't keep a penny in his pocket.

At that time, my intention was really only to help him who was in trouble. But Aksara insisted on asking for my telephone number to discuss returning the money I paid for the fine. I don't like being contacted by people I don't know, so I just give my Instagram account username instead of my phone number. That night Aksara actually contacted me, I replied casually whatever she discussed. At the end of the night, he asked for my account number and the fine was doubled.

So his ugly appearance is not because he is poor.

Long story short, Aksara and I are getting closer for many reasons. He likes cats, he likes the evening sky, he likes photographing thick clouds, he also likes rain. I've given him my personal number, and we share a lot of stories through messages at night. In the third month, Aksara took me to a cafe that had just launched, even though when he got there he said he was sorry because the place was busier than expected.

"If I say I love Sis Adisti now, won't I be quick?"
I never thought I could blush at what a high school student said. "That's what you said."

Aksara looks handsome unlike when he first met, his scent is clearly not cheap perfume. He never tells me about his family, but I quite appreciate that he wants to keep it private. I'll find out someday anyway.

Yeah, right," Aksa chuckled, "that means... do you want to?"
"What do you want?" I teased him, as an older person I have to be tough when facing bullying like this, right? I wasn't shot once or twice.
"Date with me, would you like it, Sis?"

But honestly, this is the first time someone has asked me out and his face is as handsome as Aksara Pradipta. If I refuse, the name is a waste.

—

Initially, Aksara was in a relationship like other people in relationships. Who knows from what month, his behavior began to change; his gaze also changed. I thought it was just the after-effects of her final exam, but even after three months, everything was still the same. Aksara made more and more excuses when I asked him why, why he didn't answer the phone, reply to messages, and why he never wanted to meet me again. I didn't realize that I was being dumped, because I was too afraid to fight his arguments at that time. And because Aksara never proposed breaking up. I was too naive to think that Aksara was just tired.

And today, after my meeting with Katia, I decided to make everything clear after months of letting this relationship flow without emotion.

Aksara answered my phone after the third call, I grabbed it first before she spoke. "Let's meet."
There was a sigh on the other end, "I can't, Sis."
"Aksa, please, just for a moment," I ignored the busy situation on the telephone line, I don't know where Aksa was and it was that noisy. "There's something we need to talk about. I'll accompany you, okay?"
"Can't we talk about it here?"
"Please," what was his expression when he heard me beg like this? "Please, Aksa, just this once."
There was a long sigh, then another tired sigh. "Where you wanna meet?"

A cafe not far from where I work was an option and Aksara agreed without objection. It took him forty minutes to arrive because the location was quite far at that time. I feel guilty, a little. Moreover, it's raining outside.

Aksara came with limp hair, the smell of her perfume still remaining and her suit was neat with a white shirt and trousers. Even though it's a bit wet, it still looks charming.

"Are you done with the interview?"
Aksara massaged his temples, "Yes, but I didn't have time to cause things to happen badly, I had to go to the hospital." His palms covered her entire face, rubbing roughly, "Mama has relapsed."

I was surprised not to be fake, this was very new information for me, I had never been told anything about his parents. I grimaced even more feeling guilty for making him run away when it was clear that his family was in trouble.

"It's okay, Sis, there's already someone looking after Mama," Aksara's voice, soft as before. "What do you want to talk about?"

Aksa and I sat opposite each other with a cup of coffee emitting thin smoke. I hooked the handle of the cup around my index finger; Aksa is like that too. He waited patiently for each word that was forming in his mind. The large window on the left side showed a road covered in drizzle, branches and leaves swayed by the wind, I glimpsed a mother holding an umbrella over her son while her own shoulders were soaking wet. Ah, I'm always sad when I remember mother.

My mother is still there, only her love is gone. You could say that I was unlucky in anything; love and so does family.

"We...what are we doing now?"
Aksara looked at me as if I was the one at fault, I don't know what kind of look it was—there was sadness, there was anger, there was pain that radiated in her eyes. "What do you think, Sis Adisti herself?"

Being honest is a choice after being tired of holding on. I no longer want to shy away from something that I should do. One and a half years was enough experience, indeed Aksara was not the right person for me. Likewise, I'm not the right person to accompany Aksara.

I think that's enough for us to play around."
“I still like Aksara, I still love the Pradipta Aksara that I know. But, Aksa, there are things that shouldn't always be maintained. There are times when we have to let go, right? Maybe we are not for each other, maybe Aksara will have another partner who can make you happier and is willing to give you some love. If you stay with me, you won't find out who it is."
“And, Aksa, I think Aksa's love is like rain; At first it was heavy, it was a trickle, and then it finally subsided."

I haven't told him everything that's bothering me. I still want to be beside him after all the pain and loneliness I feel. However, the important point is, I won't be able to walk if I have to stay here. I had to force myself to crawl and get out. To escape the grip of Aksara whose hands don't even hold me.

"So, Aksara, let's just finish all this, okay?" This is my most steadfast voice, even though I'm a little hurt because Aksara just stared at me in silence. Yes, what do you expect, anyway? Do I subconsciously still want Aksara to deny and hold back? I've fallen that deep for him, it turns out. "I love you enough, I'm satisfied with giving you heavy rain even though you avoid it yourself. It's true that not everyone likes rain, including Aksara, right?"

I choose to lose.

I never got the things I wanted from Aksara because I wasn't his priority. I was busy looking for my mistakes even though I wasn't the one who was wrong, it was all because the characters had no sense.

"Will Sis Adisti be happy by breaking up?"
Rhetorical question. Aksara should know that I hurt when I'm with him, and the pain increases when I'm not with him. It's so bad that I love him.

"Hopefully."

There are times when I feel like I'm not loved. In reality, I have never been loved.