The Struggle of Breastfeeding... Part 2

In honor of Mother's Day here is a 3 part post on a beautiful but difficult aspect of motherhood: breastfeeding. You can find Part 1 here, or Part 3 here.

As time passed, my postpartum hormones regulated and I returned to work (i.e. breastfed less) and thankfully, the intensity of the D-MER anguish waned. Returning to work did not occur without presenting its own bevy of new problems, mountains of guilt and pain, both physical and emotional. Many working mothers experience some level of guilt upon returning to work, however knowing this did not prepare me for the all-encompassing and constant guilt that made it hard for me to focus on my job. At work, I worried whether I had left an adequate supply of milk for my son. I fretted that he would be hungry and missing his mother. I stressed that he was far too young to be left in the care of anyone but me.

On top of having a terrible unpaid maternity leave policy that had me back at work far too soon, there was nowhere private or comfortable in the office for me to pump. I couldn’t bring myself to pump my son’s food source in a public restroom, so this led to me spending my lunch breaks driving around searching for a secluded area in which I could park and pump in peace. Some days would be heinously busy at the office and all staff members would forfeit lunch breaks. On these days, I would drive home in tears, my breasts so engorged I thought they would burst. Or else I would endure my lengthy shifts with milk leaking down my spare shirt, trying to cover the leak with a sweater. This was spilled milk I did cry over.

Needless to say, I am no longer working at that office. It quickly became too much for me to struggle with the guilt of leaving my months-old infant behind every day, and as my milk supply dwindled my husband and I made the choice to sacrifice my income so I (and my milk) could stay home with the baby. As a stay at home mom, I quickly discovered that not going to work meant no breaks for me, or my boobs. My son was a voracious eater, and with mom home all day everyday, he treated my breasts like an all you can eat buffet. I had a hard time maintaining the nutrition needed to sustain the two of us. I suffered fainting spells and migraines.