So... what is this feeling?
A sensation of void, futility, lack of purpose or perspective of growth. A constant push against starting anything; because, after all, it will either blatantly fail or make things worse.
Even writing this, is futile. It is a dead network overflowing with text that is generated by AIs. At least it serves the purpose of hiding my thoughts in plain sight, for the rest of eternity (or at least until a major catastrophic event wipes all electronic data off Earth). To think that I actually soloed the project of a linguistic AI (and actually made her write some decent crap) years before it was even considered plausible, makes me feel a bit proud: It brings good memories of a better version of myself.
Memories, nostalgia, that is all I have.
Is it depression? Some sort of life phase I'm not familiar with that I'm supposed to either overcome or let slide by?
Is it nostalgia? Did I finally reach a point of life where future is a mere dread prospect for myself (and only myself, because... damn, tech will bring amazing things for humankind in a not so far future... If today's youngsters manage to swallow up their entitlement and pride and actually forget about getting offended by anything that comes across their path).
Is "the feeling of futility of existence" a thing? A place in life where one realizes that no matter what one has achieved, it does not matter. (Yes, I am aware it is a selfish perspective. That does not imply it does not exist).
Suicidal thoughts? Nah, I've been over that several times in my life. I can recognize it and rationalize my way out of that pit.
What is it?
What is it?
The awkward feeling of not understanding this facet of myself, not being able to assign it a tag, categorize it, judge it and give it a purpose is withering me, day by day. To a point where I cannot sleep because my brain loves to remind me: "Dude, you've some unresolved issues here..."
Writing was always a good catharsis at some moment in my life. Let's see how this goes.
Imagine if you will, a world where everyone was chasing little pieces of green paper. The world seemed to revolve around the green paper. Movies were about having lots of green paper.
And then, what if you found out, and many others did to, that the green paper was a trap, a bog, a bottomless pit for which to throw your life away into.
Basically, you wake up one day, and all the old programming, all the old motivation is gone... worthless.
Of course, this state is light years ahead of the old state, but what do you do? Where do you go? What's my motivation?
This is where you are. Not specifically, but generally.
The world has changed.
The value structure is changing.
It leaves the old patterns dangling.
Without the dopamine from the "smart" phone, most find themselves untethered, rudderless.
Welcome to the new, better world.