How do you heal when your loved one dies on Christmas eve?
I figured I would cut right to the chase with this one, and just wring my heart out for you guys.
I haven't really had an outlet to voice myself on this subject until I joined steemit, considering not many people I know in real life are on it, and not many people here can contact me outside of here lol. MEANING. I can be brutally honest and not worry about what anyone thinks.
Here is a happy picture... of me, my dad, and a chimp.
This is probably the last happy thing in this post, so if you don't want to be bummed out,* turn around* lol.
Ok, you're still here
Hi, Im @saywha
If you know me you probably know I have something to do with yunk
you might call me yunkmother
Some of you know I am actually a guy though haha
If you know me at all you know I like to joke, and am a troll at heart
If you know me a little better, you know I am an artist
A handful of you know that I am married, and have 3 children
MAYBE, a couple of you know that last year, the day before Christmas, my dad died.
Hi, my real name is Bobby
*You get to know that now because you cared to read this. *
Today, was a hard day, not every day, but today...
Anyone who has lost someone knows what I mean.
I don't mean you lost a distant relative you barely knew, or that person you met once died.
I mean you lost them.
Like you have been searching for them ever since.
you have to re-learn how to do life
you pick up the phone to call them only to throw it in frustration
I mean, I lost them, but now I feel lost.
I was asked a week or so by @reneenouveau how I healed from losing my dad. I didn't really have an answer, because I haven't found one yet. Some days, you think you are okay, life is good, my kids are wonderful, my wife is beautiful, and then it hits me.
You see... I don't feel like I healed at all... sometimes I think I just
forget he's gone
and when I remember...
I crumble
I use humor a lot to cope. I always have, I presume I always will. I got this from my dad. Throughout the last 2 years, from his first stroke, and leukemia diagnosis to now I always play the funny guy. I put on that face so easily. I think to make other people more comfortable. This is me my dad and his sisters after a few months of chemo while he is in hospice.
We made jokes the whole time
This is my dad 2 days before his death. I hate this picture This is not how I ever want to remember my father. This is when I knew death was taking him. This is when I knew I had to be ready at a moments notice to take my sister to another room if he started to go. This is how he looked when I heard his death rattle.
I HATE THIS PICTURE.
look at that goofy smile I have
I have done so many things to try and cope in a healthy way. In mourning, before he even passed, I shaved my head, which is something I swore I would never want to do...
Today, it is my second sons 3rd birthday, so my sister posted a video of him only a few hours old.
Today, that video is what ruined me. My dad was there, before he got sick, loving on my son, gently with one finger rubbing his brow speaking as soft as he could to comfort my baby boy. It was my dad being such an amazing grandpa. His heart just shining out of that video.
oh my God I miss him
I was in the middle of a customers house when I saw it, cleaning their fireplace, now crying, trying to be silent.
God I just want to see him again
Talk to him one more time
Even on the phone
or just sit on your crappy couch
and do nothing
What I would do for a hug
Even a weak one like in your last few days
I just want to hear your laugh dad
Dad, everything I do right now I wish you could see. I wish you could see me use your tools to help make a living for my babies. I wish I could tell you what I am learning about my trade. I wish I could show you what I made. I wish I could try and explain what a cryptocurrency is and have you nod and smile and have no idea what I mean. I wish I could show you how big the boys are, that they remember you. I wish you could see Melody, she is crawling now, pulling herself up even. God you would love her smile dad. She would warm your heart like she does mine, I know it. I want to show you how tirelessly I have worked, and what I have accomplished since you've gone. I want to hear you say you are proud of me. I know you are but I want to HEAR it. Dad you would be so freaking proud...
They tell me that the days like this get farther apart and fewer. I don't know if I believe them yet.
If you came, looking for advice or wisdom, I have none.
If you are worried about me, don't be.
I have a wonderful family, I love very much.
Damnit, I just want my dad.
Now you know me a little bit better.
Beautiful. Use humor. It works. And it is ok to look goofy in a pic w your beloved Dad. I lost my Dad in 87, Mom in 2009. Jan. 8th and 9th, resp.
It does not get easier, just different. Being able to write about it is a good sign. And you may have cried writing it as much as I cried reading it. That's ok too.
Stay blessed. It's always gonna be hard looking at memories. But they help you remember how blessed you are to be his son.
Thanks for sharing.
God bless you.....
Congratulations @saywha! You have completed some achievement on Steemit and have been rewarded with new badge(s) :
Click on any badge to view your own Board of Honor on SteemitBoard.
For more information about SteemitBoard, click here
If you no longer want to receive notifications, reply to this comment with the word
STOPStop
Notifications have been disabled. Sorry if I bothered you.
To reactivate notifications, drop me a comment with the word
NOTIFYThank you for sharing and I hope that helped you a little too. I'm glad you have your family and that you've done so much even after all that.
Stay strong my friend.
it was helpful to get it out, kind of the equivalent of yelling at the top of your lungs in an empty field where not many people will hear hahaha
Hahaha, yeah. Makes sense. I tend to want to be alone when things get heavy in my heart. I don't know why. Guess to everyone their own.
You had a wonderful father and you were a wonderful son. You two had a bond...we like to think of pain as a separate cicle. Like something that starts after someone leaves. I like to think of pain and sorrow as a part of the same cycle called love. Once the bond is made I think it lasts for a lifetime, even when the person is not there anymore. What you two had was beautiful. Some days u'll feel sad yes, some days u'll smile at a happy memory, each time you do something you are prolly doing it cuz your father taught you how to do it. You still carry the bond with you and I think this is the true legacy a father leaves with his child and it is something you will pass on your children.
Tc Bobby :)
My real name is Barbara.
Tears running down my face!!!!! I love you friend :) SUNSHINE247
big hugs so sorry that you are hurting friend. my dad is one of my favorite people, I can't imagine living without him. No matter when that day comes it will be too soon.
Yeah, I thought I was prepared. almost 2 years of mentally preparing wasn't enough.
Love coming your way. I am sure he would be uber proud.
Yes, it does get better but you never know when you will see or hear something that will still make you cry. I lost my father 17.5 years ago and still tear up at certain things which just turn the faucet on. A man who looks like him, a person with his disease, a grandchild getting married or a great grandchild being born, everything he is missing. A year is not long at all to grieve, a few years from now, I hope you will have these terrible times replaced with more joyful memories.
Hey Bobby, I wish I could part some words of wisdom to you that would help in your healing process. I was raised by my grandparents and when my grandpa (oupa) passed it was heartbreaking... Perhaps part of your healing was writing this post :) I know I've utilised it myself, in a different manner, to help with healing. Anyway, there is nothing else I can reaĺly say... May your wounds gradually fade even though they'll never dissapear. It is a part of you that is gone. Strength to you. Edit: Sometimes when I whistle it reminds me of my grandpa. He always used to whistle :) Sometimes that will make me smile, others it will make me sad. Cheers!!! SECOND EDIT 😒: @saywha, your story has spawned another idea for me. My grandpa was a product developer (inventor) in his spare time and created one of the most used/known products in the South African household... it has a great (a little sad) story attached to it so thank you!!! I'll get that story out at some point :)
This gem of a post was discovered by the OCD Team!
Reply to this comment if you accept, and are willing to let us promote your gem of a post! By accepting this, you have a chance to receive extra rewards and one of your photos in this article will be used on our compilation post!
You can follow @ocd – learn more about the project and see other Gems! We strive for transparency.
Yeah