Living with high functioning anxiety and depression #SpreadTheAwarenessWithSab

''There are two types of survivors, those who don't die, and those who live.''

Ever since I was little, I've always felt like an outcast.
I still remember to this day that when I was almost done kindergarten, I was absolutely terrified of going into first grade that I prayed to die.
Each year, this thought would pop back into my head.
My battle with anxiety takes its roots into my early years.

Our childhood and teenage years experiences create the story of our future.
That's one powerful lesson I learned through both therapy and doing a lot of reading.
It almost seems surreal to me sometimes because when I do look back, I realize how true that is.
I'm the same sensitive and gentle child, just in a different body.
I spent years engaging in different ways that would provide me temporary relief, but never found a way to get to the core of the problem.
My inner child was in profoud pain.

The turning point for me in the beginning of my journey battling mental health was the divorce of my parents 6 years ago.
I was in high school when it happenned.
That was the initial trigger of the anxiety that would interfere with my life throughout the next years.
Being a teenager is a very difficult period of a child's life as we slowly get to experiment new things and start to define who we want to be and who we want to be surrounded with.
I always say that it's also the period during which we get ''corrupted by the real world ''.

My teenage years were ''hell'', and I'm sure I am far from being the only one who felt that way.
In both elementary and high school, I experienced episodes of rejection which took a huge toll on my well-being.
I remember coming home to my mom and crying that I couldn't go to school anymore because it was a place that was creating such distress.

Anxiety is a normal emotion.
Everyone experiences anxiety at one time or another.
It's our survival mechanism and it protects us from danger.
In fact, if we didn't have any anxiety at all, we probably wouldn't last very long!
However, when the level of anxiety becomes so high that it interferes with your daily life, that's when it can take a huge toll on your mental and physical health.

Before I get into my personal journey with anxiety and depression,
I'd like to share this picture as I think it's crucial to understand this.

Mental illness is never a choice.
1 in 3 Canadians will experience it during their lifetime.
And even to this day, there is so much misconceptions when we adress this subject.
And it breaks my heart everytime.
I think it's so easy to get caught up with life and say quick snap judgments and label people, and that's why I believe compassion is key and we need to spread it any chance we get.
A couple of months ago, when my anxiety crippled its way back into my life, it became so severe that I would wake up in the morning and my hands would shake, I would even break glasses of water.
I was terrified of putting a foot outside my house.

This is just a little glimpse of my personal experience, but it is just to show you that it's not something that's just in our heads or that we can completely erase just by changing our thoughts.
If it was that easy no one would suffer anymore, but it's far from being the case.

I also believe that one of the most important fact that we should always keep in mind is that mental illness is never a choice!
While there's many factors that can contribute to causing it, no one ever chooses to have mental illness.
I remember when I had my first diagnosed depression at 18 years old, my boyfriend at the time told me it was ''just a phase'' and that I should get my shit together.
Words don't go away and they hurt.
These are the same words that come from the picture below and it's why we need to keep on being open minded about making a conversation about mental health to deeper our knowledge and understanding on this so important subject.

While we all experience sadness at different times during our lives,
Depression is far as being the same from experiencing temporary sadness due to different life circumstances or having a bad day.
Depression is a real disease.
It's persistent sadness, huge lack of energy, it's feeling hopeless, worthless, guilty, it's sleeping too much or not at all, it's overthinking or not thinking at all, it's not having any pleasure in life activities, it's feeling empty...
It's not something you can simply get over.

The first time I had noticed having feelings of severe anxiety and symptoms of depression, I went to see the doctor.
I told him about my situation and that I thought I had a depression and that I was possibly considering taking medication because it was affecting tremendously my daily life.
He looked at me and said: ''You don't look depressed at all''. (I was putting on my happy social mask...)
No hate, that was 4 years ago and today he's my family doctor and hands down the most caring and compassionate doctor ever!
But still, this just comes to show that mental illness is not always visible.

No one should ever feel ashamed of their mental health problems.
It can affect anyone.
Both men and women.
No one is immuned to them.

We are only human.

Let's come together as a society and keep on making conversations about mental health!
It's my life mission and I encourage you to pursue it with me!
Asking ''How are you?'' to someone and genuinely meaning it can make a huge difference.
Let's never stop on being kind and compassionate.
As friends, mothers, fathers, girlfriends, boyfriends who acknowledge mental illness and offer support and love to the ones who need it, you make a massive difference.

Love you guys xoxo