I kissed him and said, "Tomorrow," not knowing that tomorrow would be the worst day of my life.

My husband pulled me close, his hands moving across my body in that slow deliberate way, I knew he wanted me to reassure him, to hold him and show him that everything was ok, but our first big disagreement had taken it’s toll and for the first time in two weeks, I could feel myself falling into a deep and easy sleep.

The argument

We had been married for 15 months, my husband had just celebrated his 24th birthday and started a new job after 10 months of unemployment and I was a stay-at-home mum looking after our daughters, 18 months and 7 months old, as well as my 10 year old son from a previous relationship, whom my husband loved just as much as our daughters. The new job paid a good wage but with the debts we had racked up over the last 10 months, we were barely getting by, so when he came home one night from work with the biggest smile on his face announcing that he had just bought a motorbike, I was livid.

He had done it with the best of intentions, wanting to get a second job delivering pizza a couple of nights a week not realizing that the extra cost would mean that he would not be able to pay for the lessons or a driving license to actually do so.

I didn’t react well.

The fact I would now have to try and feed 5 of us on £10 a week along with an instant fear that he would get himself killed on it led to an argument that we just couldn’t talk through as we had in the past.

Tommorow

The morning after I turned away from him we made plans to make up properly the evening he went to work and I went to a friend's house. While there my toddler knocked her head when she became drowsy and started vomiting. I called the paramedics and left a message for my husband to meet us at the hospital. He arrived shortly after we did an hour or so later. She was given the all clear as we put the children in my friend's car, my husband said,
"I think I should stay I don’t feel right."

I put my hand on his heart, it was racing. We’d been to hospital with him like this a dozen times in the last year, each time we had been told it was just an anxiety attack and to go home and rest so that’s what my husband decided to do.

I nipped across the street to let my son know his sister was fine as I waited for him to emerge from his friend's room.

I heard someone screaming my name, I ran back to the house, my husband was laying across the sofa at the strangest angle, his skin was grey and his lips blue.

I could feel my body shaking as my mind seemed to spilt in two. I could hear myself giving orders in a voice I didn’t recognize while the part I was most aware of focused on what I needed to do. I pulled my husband to the floor and started forcing air into his lungs.

After a few minutes he gasped just like you see on tv, he looked at me trying to say speak, I felt tears start to stream down my face as he tried again and I begged him to stay with us but a horrible sound escaped from his mouth. I was looking in his eyes as he left us.

It really is like watching a light slowly fading.

The two halves of my mind snapped back together as the panic I’d been holding back left me shaking and sobbing.

I only remember tiny bits of what happened next. My friend took charge of the situation, pulled me together enough to carry on CPR until the paramedics arrived. The paramedics were wondering why they where back at the same address, trying to call his mum but not being able to dial the phone. The look on my son's face as we drove away, leaving the hospital, clutching onto a little white box.

I was wondering how I was going to fix the pieces of my son's heart, as he asked me why god would take his dad away.

It’s been 9 years since a hidden heart condition called SAD’s changed our lives forever. The children and I have glued the pieces of our hearts back together although the cracks still ache and though it took a long time to achieve, life is good again. But if someone told me I could have just one moment from my life to relive I’d choose that moment I turned away.

I'd hold him, reassure him and tell him just how much I still love him.

-Secret Writer

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