Convincing Lies: More Than Just A Pretty Face

Time to get real.

It's been 2 weeks since my last confession, and to be honest I haven't been feeling largely inclined to post anything because I've been under so much stress and have been outlandishly busy.
But since I'm here, and you lot are drinking in my every syllable, I may as well shed some light on my absence, if any of you have actually noticed, which I doubt if you are as busy as I am.

The proceeding entry may be slightly tainted with melancholy and maladroit tendencies, but the reality of it is that I get exceedingly fatigued from having to care about or consider another person. Now, this is by no means indicating that I'm a selfish individual: because I'm not, I just have a very hard time caring for and contributing to others who are not & likely wouldn't be putting me first if the situation or circumstance were to be reversed.

People confuse and perplex me on the daily, with the way they operate and how, based on that operation, they wish to tell me that, because I live my life by my own means, that I should change to fit their criterion of me. I really don't understand that attitude, I've even been insulted by someone because I refused to abide by their standards of what & who I should be.
I have always struggled to fit in, regardless of my "don't give a fuck" attitude, it's a constant battle to be the woman I was born to be.

Lots of people say that, in order to be good and positive, you have to ignore and persevere through hardships and adversaries, but for me that just ends up being harder to do.
I have had alot of things to fight for in my life: my life, my love, my dreams and my individuality and reason.It just seems like everyday, there is something different and someone new to tell me that I'm not ideal.

I have always struggled to fit in, regardless of my "don't give a fuck" attitude, it's a constant battle to be the woman I was born to be. I'm not a fucking victim, of anything or anyone.
I wasn't born to have my spirit dampened. I wasn't made to endure so much pain & suffering if I knew that I would never make it out alive & rise against the odds. And yet it comes to me.
If I thought that I had no hope, I'd have just allowed sickness to kill me, and that every insecurity in my head was 100% truth and that everything people have said & done to put me down was justified & right.

Because, apparently, that's how the world works: someone stabs you in the back, you have to smile & forgive them so they can do it again in another life.
Now, I can bet some of you are going to have mixed opinions on that, but I'm a firm believer that - when you've had to fight for and justify every decision that you've ever made, in spite of your attitude of not giving a fuck - life is what you make to be, and it takes a hell of alot of guts to make a mud cake from a mountain of shit. But, a sparkler I shall be.

I get put down on a daily basis, from the way I look to my intellect to the misinformation someone has of the way I live my life & the feelings I have on things.
And it just makes me wonder how, if society frowns against violence, why is it that you think it's funny to degrade someone? "you're too pretty to be single" "you're too smart to have a disability" (when someone angers me) "you should change yourself" (when someone makes me upset) "you need to understand them". Alright. Like MC Hammer once said: stop, collaborate and listen.
Let me just break it down for you, say it nice and slowly: I.Will. Not.Apologise.For.Who.I.Am.

From here, it just sounds like a shit fight - right? But no, it's not.You see, I know and are fully aware of my greatness. It's others that are intimidated by it that is the problem.
I lead a busy life. I keep myself active, I present myself with respect and decorum, and I don't tolerate any bullshit from anyone. But, for reasons beyond me, this has always caused me more problems and disarray than it has promoted equilibrium and acceptance, and I've always got people whingeing at me about something. It just begs the question: do I look like a counsellor to you, do you see me holding a map and vouching "this way men!!" like a soldier leading the front line at battle? the short answer, is no.

Something that has often perplexed me, is that I often get reprimanded for something: being angry, being silent, being too extraverted, being too introverted. And have no idea why this is.
I'm not judgemental, I say it as I see it, and yet I've dealt with alot less than respect from people from all walks of life, for all of mine. All for living a honest life.
We all have periods of busyness, where it seems the world is moving so rapidly before us that our feet haven't touched the ground. For me, this is most days.
I deal with people on the daily, most of whom are busy professionals, or in the bracket of disabled. To some, this calibre of person would make me seem more "normal", but to others, not so. But I can tell you for certain, that this life of delegation and high octane behaviour is not as rosy and smooth sailing as someone would give compassion for.
In fact, it's anything but.

The easiest depiction for this example in which I could give you, is the basic film scenario, where the superhero has an ordinary job through the day, and upon the moon's rise, is an alternative identity, of which is known for his or her prowess, gallantry and bravery, yet a slight moment of weakness and it's all over, as the villain proffers a mischievous heckle and threatens retribution even death upon the star, to apply suspense and drama, have you tuning in until the end.

This, although for a movie synopsis, _this_is generally how my daily life operates.

Now, I know that I live a fucking amazing life: I do what I love, and I love what I do. In fact, let's count the pro's - shall we?

1. I speak and write well.
2. I'm classified as a "beautiful" individual.
3. I'm smart.
4. I work with both intellectually and physically disabled adults, and I take no bullshit from any of them. It's by no means a marvellous job, I'm no champion for dealing with an otherwise stigmatised category of people, but I appreciate the variety brought to me through this field.
5. I live a life of purpose, in which I do what pleases me and endorses happiness into my life.
6. I've experienced some pretty amazing things in my 34 years of living, from concerts of people I idolise to venturing to destinations that I've not been to previously.
7. I am naturally talented - I'm a singer, I'm a writer, I'm an illustrator, I'm a photographer and I'm a motivator.
8. I'm independent & self sufficient, as I have control over my life & the choices of how my days are filled & my plans are met..
9. I have circles of people with whom I can trust & rely on to bolster me if need be, & I in turn can comfortably recipricate these traits to others.
10. I live in a positive, clean & trusting environment, of which most of the time, I create and maintain to full capacity.

While it's all good to have positive & good attributes about yourself, it's healthy and balanced to have negative traits. And I have a few. So, let's list those as well:

1. I struggle with dealing with my emotions and expressing anger.
2. I'm not very tolerable of people and/or social cliques that endorse rude & discriminatory behaviour, through conversve mediums or otherwise, which is done in order to bolster that person's ego &/or self worth.
3. I'm not the most organised woman you'll meet, or the cleanest. But I seldom lose anything.
4. I'm often tardy, but seldom by a large degree.
5. I'm argumentative, though I mainly act so as I like to debate things and consider all options as opposed to elaborating on one certain veiwpoint.
6. I'm not very sociable if I don't feel that I'm familiar with my surroundings or the background of why someone wishes to see me.
7. I don't care what people think about me, and find it increasingly difficult and challenging to side with someone or something when I don't like it.
8. I'm not very empathetic, and often hold no remorse for doing/saying/thinking something that is otherwise considered negative for someone else.
9. I don't feel the need nor the desire to change myself in any way, and can at times be increasingly arrogant.
10. I can be judgemental and rude when I think/feel that I'm being treated disrespectfully.

Establishing, Maintaining & Encouraging balance of both choices in emotion,physical enhancement & professional & social growth is an incredibly difficult task to do, as I've found that often people are reluctant to believe in their own greatness, or just feel that they don't even possess any greatness at all, thus it is difficult to persuade someone of these things.
Additionally, being aware of & recognising both your strengths and weaknesses is a really difficult, although beneficial thing to have in practice. Whilst it's easy to recognise and maintain positive attributes of yourself, it's also easy and beneficial to be aware of negative attributes within yourself, as both facets of your personality help you grow as an individual.
And, as we are all consisting of positive and negative attributes, we can't exist without being aware of each of them, and can't solely exist healthily in embracing just one side, for example, solely positive thoughts and reaffirmations or solely negative reaffirmations. The ability to recognise. embrace and endorse both facets of your personality is healthy & should be as balanced as what you would do to maintain & endorse a healthy physical body, or a healthy state of mind of which to live by.
By my definition, a healthy life means that you eat well, you excersise your body, and you excersise your mind by allowing yourself to feel your emotions and thoughts, and allowing yourself to be accepting of the choices that you make.

Sometimes, it's hard for me to explain what is inside my head, as I feel that my words aren't enough and will go unnoticed.

When I first connect with someone, I feel like I should backdown a little, as though the other person wouldn't understand what would come out of my mouth, or that my mind was too intense.
I'm unaware of the way society portrays itself, so I hide within myself to observe everything, and I never miss a beat, I feel like a fucking detective half the time.
At first when I met you, I'd just sit back and observe how you were with everyone and how you related to the environment you found yourself in, what it meant to you, and I honestly couldn't begin to tell you exactly how enamoured I was just watching you interact with the space around you and the people who happened to occupy it.
Some days, I feel like my life is not something I'm in control of, for the sheer fact that there have been many a time where people have overruled my choices & way of life, as though it means nothing and who I am and how I'm affected by something isn't worth being affected by at all._

Some days, especially through the day, I feel absolutely lost within myself because there's so much in my head that everything - every sound, every piercing light, everything I see, is too intense. If I forget myself, who would be the one to take my hand and circumnavigate my heartless chest and bring it to the blinding light, in all its bitterness? Now, my busy mind sleeps.

Lock, Load, Release.

I am Legend.

!