Under Pressure (Bullshit Research, Part 4)

Read Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

”When you said we’re going south for some research I expected Africa, maybe South America. I didn’t sign up for this! I’m freezing!”

Dr. Lemoine’s answer lacked any kind of compassion.

”We’re not here on vacation”, she reminded him. ”We’re here for science. To further the knowledge of humanity. To go where no man has gone before. To …” She sneezes. ”Fucking cold”, she mutters and tightens her hood. Her hands are protected by huge mittens but she still feels like they could fall off any moment.

The fact that she’s lying motionless in the snow doesn’t really help. But if she moves now, she could disturb the penguins.

”I wish we could get closer”, she says. ”Fucking regulations. We can’t approach the penguins closer than 5 meters without the appropriate permit. And those imbeciles didn’t want to give it to me. They said my research isn’t important enough for that. Pah! They shall just wait. One day, I’ll be awarded the Nobel Prize for … something.”

Her deep-frozen assistant knows better than to respond to that. Instead, he tries to get a better look at the penguins. One of them, a male penguin that recently became a father, shuffles to the edge of his nest, positions himself with his back facing outward, bends forward, lifts his tail and …

”There we go!” The sudden loud exclamation from Dr. Lemoine makes the assistant flinch. Which happens to play out in his favor as his movement brings him out of the path of the penguin poop that’s flying in his direction. Only millimeters away from his right ear, a pinkish blob of bird poop makes its way towards the ground.

”Oh my god I think I’m going to throw up”, he wheezes.

”Be professional. It’s only excrements.” The Doctor stands up and heads towards the spot where the penguin poop hit the ground. She kneels down and inspects it.

”This one probably had krill for dinner. Fish would have caused white excrements”, she concludes with serious interest in her voice.

”Why do you even know that. Why would anyone even want to know that?”

”Science isn’t about why”, his boss replies, ”it’s about why not.”

”That sentence feels strangely familiar”, the assistant remarks. ”And it doesn’t give me a very safe feeling.”

”Safety is for students. We’re scientists. And now help me measure this streak the penguin excrements left behind. I need the distance to the nest and the size and length of the streak for my calculations.”

”I don’t really want to ask, but what kind of calculations?”

”I need to know how much pressure a penguin produces when expelling their poop, of course.”

”Of course.” The assistant sighs, takes out a ruler from his bag and starts measuring the requested things.

As soon as he finishes writing down everything, he and Dr. Lemoine move back to their hiding spot. The day will be filled with more poop measurements, that he is sure of. The results need to be statistically significant after all.

After hours upon hours of freezing, measuring and being mostly missed by penguin poop, Dr. Lemoine is finally satisfied and they head back to their Antarctic research station.

It doesn’t take too long for Dr. Lemoine to reach some conclusions.

”It’s impressive”, she says. ”The calculations might not be perfect because of the limited availability of certain data, but according to my results the pressure produced by those birds can reach about half an atmosphere!”

”That’s … great?” It sounds more like a question. The assistant isn’t sure if it is so great.

”It’s amazing! And a shame that these birds have to stand upright.”

”Why so?”

”Because if they could reach a 45° angle, they could maximize the distance between their nest and their excrements, of course! They don’t want this too close to where they breed and live.”

”Of course”, the assistant says. ”Of course.”

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Source:

Pressures produced when penguins pooh—calculations on avian Defaecation

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Picture taken from pixabay.com

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