Lessons from a hospital bed

Whenever I am at the hospital I tend to reflect on the life that brought me here and how different things could have been with a few small deviations. For example, what would my life have been like if the doctor I was taken to hadn't been incompetent and misdiagnosed me for eight months? I was just a kid, I didn't have much choice in the matter and, I wasn't really in the best shape to make decisions anyway.

I was talking about habits in my last post and how they become our skills and personal resources to call upon, but the inverse is true also. Habits can become the anchor hat holds us back and when I was young, I got into the habit of using my illness as an excuse for not doing the things that I didn't want to do - and it cost me.

While I didn't choose to be sick, I did choose to allow my illness to taker control and form my habits and therefore "anti-resources" instead of skills. Time is precious and how it is invested matters and the attention we pay to how we use it affects everything in our life and I wasted a massive amount of time being ill and concerned with what I couldn't do, rather than what I could.

Thousands upon thousands of hours, down the drain - wasted.

The choices we make when we feel we have no choice might be the most important we face, as it is these that become the door out or the chair to sit in and remain still. I sat still for a long time and while during those years I felt I was doing my best, in hindsight I was lazy and pathetic.

But of course, I was doing my best and even though looking back I can recognize that my best was poor, it is only possible because I have made it this far out and improved myself enough that I am able to see how far I have come. I try to forgive my younger self as while it was me, the me I am today is far from that person in so many ways.

I find it interesting to think that while over a life time there is the feeling of consistently being the same person, we are in a continual state of evolution and degradation and once there is enough distance between, the steps of change can be witnessed. From the moment though, the changes we go through are imperceptible to the consciousness, kind of like if a ball was thrown straight up in the air, there is a split second that before it changes direction to fall back to earth, it is still, not going up, not going down.

We live in that space

I wonder how often we are actually aware of the moments that change us and shift the direction of our lives and how close to that point can we actually observe as it approaches zero. I figure that there always has to be some space between the event and the observer, even when we are experiencing it all ourselves, as it takes time and distance for the self-reflection to transfer. And then, we also have to pay enough attention to be aware.

How much time needs to pass before we forgive ourselves?

A small question for some, large for others - but I think just like forgiving the limitations of others, it takes a mature person to actually accept and forgive - not just ignore and move on - that is not acceptance.

For me, I think it takes time to first recognize my failures and then come to terms with the fact that with all the resources I had at the time, that is the best I could do - even if I would do differently knowing what I know now.

There have been many benefits to my illness and while I wouldn't have wished for it, now that I have experienced it, I wouldn't want to lose the lessons I have learned as they have added to my toolbox of skills to reach into and call upon. It has also given me a perspective on the world I do not think I would have obtained otherwise, and I find value in it - even though I would have learned different lessons given a different life.

While there may be very little (if anything) we can actually choose for ourselves at a core level, on the surface we are able to change our directions by attending to our lives and choosing where we spend our time. As said, I wasted a great deal of opportunity as a sick teen and it became a pattern in my life for a time, but eventually I woke up and started moving.

I don't know if everyone can do it, perhaps some can't - but, it is up to each of us to discover our potential or avoid it. I like to ask myself, if it doesn't make me better, why am I doing it? and many people I tell this to respond with, rest and relaxation is needed too. Of course it is, but I also have enough experience to know, that sitting still for too long passively consuming only benefits so far, before the ball starts moving in the other direction and it becomes damaging.

If we keep sitting intentionally, we are making the choice for ourselves, but too often in reflection - we will look for someone or something else to blame. There is no end to the list of contenders, but the one that matters is in the mirror.

Taraz
[ an original ]