Talk to Strangers: educate children (repost)
This is a repost as an addendum type article connected to one I posted last night on pedophilia. Since it is such a touchy but important topic, I want to give several perspectives that look at the scenario as it gives a chance for a broader consideration and discussion. I have another I may post in the evening also and I hope that people will discuss with each other in the comments section also.
Today, my family went to a garden party of my wife's boss with his family and 150 of their closest friends. Quite a few of my wife's ex-colleagues were there and I have met a few of them at the odd event before. My daughter has never been around so many people but was quite happy to sit in the lap and observe.
I spend quite a lot of time watching her to try and see what her interests may be. What I have found is, she is very observant and also very interested in testing how things work, including her parents. Watching her watch this group was interesting but it reminded me of a few stories from long ago.
The first one is when a girlfriend introduced me to a group of people she classed as extended family and to their leader. It was a type of commune situation with a religious subtext. I met him, shook his hand, spoke a few words and that was it. A few months later, my brother met the same guy, shook his hand and a few words. Later, I asked my brother what he thought of him but continued to say what I thought. In unison we said, Pedophile. We found out later, after I had broken up with the girl, that indeed he had been charged years earlier and had paid to have it go away.
So, what did my brother and I both see in the guy? Nothing. But, we both got the same feeling from him and that was one of danger and to be cautious. We were both adult men so there was no fear, just curiosity.
A few years ago, I was having Salsa lessons at a school here in Finland. The teachers were great dancers from around the Latin world and decent teachers. Suffice it to say, they had no trouble finding dance partners. I didn't know them all but there was one teacher that when watching him at social events, was off. He was good looking, in good shape, danced very well and was friendly and flirty.
I mentioned it to some of my female friends including my now wife and they said 'He is nice, harmless' and some implied I was jealous of him in some way. A few months later it came out that he was heading up a ring of a few of the other teachers and they were having sex with, filming and then blackmailing women into doing some quite horrendous acts. Not just women, the youngest were 15 year old's. Many of them. Some of these women are friends. With video evidence, they were convicted, but not for long enough.
No one wants to think about something happening to their child or wife or friend as it is a horrible situation but, not thinking about it doesn't stop things from happening. In my view, there should be preparation at the very least. Preparation of potential victims and the best preparation is that which will help avoid getting into such predicaments in the first place.
Now, my brother and I were not molested as children, what we were when young was experienced around adults. My father used to give keynote speeches at large conferences around Australia and we as young children would have to sit and listen. Not to the speech, to the entire conference. We would see the other children through the windows out playing but, there we were, silently listening and watching.
We met many many people and even without knowing it, experience starts to observe, categorize and recognize traits that are incongruent with each other. But, this can go on without being overly conscious at the time which means when something doesn't fit, it feels wrong. Perhaps it is a gaze held too long or in the wrong direction, maybe it is a handshake or tone of the voice, maybe the body movement or something about the way they dress, it could be anything. But, the feeling arises, the muscles tense slightly and the intuition says, 'be careful'.
It may be nothing of course but being careful should never be frowned upon when it comes to physical safety, especially of those one cares about. But, one must recognize the feeling and then have the power to override the social programming to be politically correct and polite or prove one is not afraid.
A few weeks ago I started writing about violence, anger, murder etc as I find it very interesting and ultimately useful as I want to help my daughter not become a statistic. There are many posts I have ongoing around this topic and as fortune would have it, yesterday, I came across a Sam Harris interview with Gavin de Becker who wrote 'The gift of Fear'. I don't read much but, this will likely be my next read.
I have only listened to a part of the interview still but something he said reminded me of this post and my own thoughts. 'Teach your kids to talk to strangers, but look for strangeness'. His reasoning is that seeing the strangeness will raise the alarm to move with caution or avoid altogether. I recommend for those with kids, and especially women who are so often the victims of violence, to have a listen to this Sam Harris Podcast.
Now of course, one isn't going to send their child out alone to learn the necessary tools but one can be present while the child asks the time from a random person at the bus stop and then ask, 'what did you think of them?' I am under the assumption that the book itself will give some concrete practical examples to help develop a sense for recognizing and how to then act around strangeness.
I have been a people watcher as far back as I can remember and even when a young teen would happily sit in a café alone or with friends and watch customers and shoppers go about their day. I think that this partly stems from having to sit quietly in those conferences as at those times, I would look around at all of the other attendees and watch them too.
Today, when we were driving the 200 kilometers back from Helsinki, I asked my wife about one of her colleagues. I had met him only very briefly before in an office hallway but today I spoke to him for a minute or two and watched him as he spoke with his friends. He is well spoken, intelligent and has a bright career.
My wife said he is nice, a little strange. 'How so?' I asked. She thought for a moment and said at times she feels a little uncomfortable around him but couldn't pinpoint what exactly it was but, he is always friendly and nice.
The other thing that was mentioned in the podcast is 'Nice, doesn't mean good'. The same words I have said to many of my friends over the years. The reason I watched this guy was he happened to be sitting across from me at a table and, when we arrived my wife hugged him as she did all of her colleagues. And, as she turned to speak to another, his gaze on her was a split second too long and there was a flash of cruelty in his eyes and he bit the inside of his lip.
He is likely a predator that preys on women. Not necessarily in an illegal sense, most probably in the conquest sense, but there is no happiness in the act, there is something darker. Of course, it is very possible that I am wrong but, do you think you would leave your teenage daughter with him on the odds that I am or would you proceed with caution?
Would you want your children to be able to recognize these kinds of things? I do. This may not be very politically correct to judge people this way but at the same time, it may be individually correct to be able to identify the signs of trouble at least enough to prick the ears up and pay attention to the environment. It isn't pleasant to think about but, it isn't pleasant to deal with if something happens and even worse if it was preventable but the reason it wasn't stopped was because of avoiding mental discomfort.
For me, this is not about being afraid, this is about practical empowerment and the tools to act when the hairs on the back of the neck start to stand on end. Unfortunately in a lifetime, daddy isn't always there to protect a child in person so a parent must prepare a child for when they are alone. A sheltered environment is not always possible.
Taraz
[ a Steemit original ]
Absolutely agree with everything you said.
It is our job to prepare our children for the world they have to live in as we will not always be there to help them.
I spend a lot of time talking to my children about this. To trust their feelings. If something feels off, even just a little bit, do not be afraid to ask for help or remove yourself from a situation. It takes a lot of courage to do this sometimes.
I was at the movies one day back when I only had 3 children. We took our seats and about 25 minutes into the movie a single man walked in and sat beside my daughter. There were plenty of other seats available, but he sat right next to her. He didn’t say or do anything, but it was off. I quietly picked up my boys and asked my daughter to follow and we left.
Now, he may have been harmless, but I was not about to stick around and find out.
Peoples actions and expressions often say so much more than they realise. Teaching children to realise that and react to it is imperative.
Out of sync behaviours may be harmless but, err on the side of caution.
I am trying to spend more time developing my daughter (she is only 18 months now) to be attentive to details. So far, it has led to not being able to hide anything at all from her. I am both happy and concerned for the future :)
In Finland, it is considered normal for kids to walk or take the bus to school unsupervised from first grade on. From what I've heard, allowing your kids to do that would be grounds for intervention by law enforcement or Child Protective Services in most parts of North America. Perhaps the UK and Australia, too. I don't know. I've read horror stories of 11-year-olds being reported for shooting hoops for an hour and a half in the front yard of their homes after school waiting for a parent who was delayed.
My Canadian relatives have told me they had about as much freedom to roam the neighbourhood as kids as were are allowing our children in this country now. I've been told German kids walk to school, too.
There is a great deal of variation in what the law says in different states in the US. While Kansas allows a six-year-old to be left unsupervised, one state in New England (don't remember which) that kids be supervised at all times up to the age of 13. 10-12 is common on many states. 13 would be utterly laughable, because only two years later the same kids will be allowed to drive cars and motorcycles unsupervised.
Statistically, being kidnapped by a stranger is vanishingly rare. There are 75 million minors in the USA out of whom 100-200 are kidnapped by strangers annually. The problem is much less common than alarmistic media would have us believe.
It is true that Finalnd and a number of other countries are much safer than many others but at the same time, it is changing. Yes, statistics are one thing but preparation of the child's awareness is something that will benefit the kid for a lifetime. It goes much further than the harm that may come to them in the short term.
Domestic violence in Finland is the second highest in the EU and something like 35% of women have been what they would consider, sexually abused in some way. Understanding of human nature would go a long way to mitigate potential dangers as it seems that the perpetrators aren't going to change themselves.
Oh, you're absolutely right to teach your kid to be wary of potential abusers.
I think kids should be taught to trust their gut feeling, because that's often right. Not always, but then again, nothing has a 100% guarantee of success.
I don't have kids yet, but looking back on my own childhood, I think an important lesson is to watch people and to analyze their actions. This might help you to see their intentions. Then again some things are just felt, so you must trust your gut. If you get a bad vibe from a stranger, trust it. And I think that's what one should teach children - to trust themselves and their feeling over any seemingly charming words.
People want to fight this out of political correctness. Caution first.
That's a real real sensitive topic. Just yesterday I was talking to my wife about how we grew up and the difference today.
While kids we used to step out to fields to play, to do group studies. With supervision from parents we used to be surrounded by quite a lot of kids and parents that we used to get a hang of what's good and what's not. While I know the streets ain't that safe now in India I would want to stand far from my 3 yr old and let her handle situations herself.
Wish there's a sure shot way to give guidance to kids while we worry about her everyday we also have to accept that she deserves to fall and learn in her way. As parents we want to give best to our kids but then there's a fine line towards over protective and that's what I don't want to cross.
That is one of my fears when i have children, to not be possible to be always around and protect my children. I can't imagine the pain that parents must feel to know their children was molested by a paedophile and murdered. Castration along with long jail time should be mandatory punishment.
People should think a lot more about educating their children to avoid than on punishment after the fact. It is my fear also but I must deal with the reality of it.
It certainly makes more sense to give a child the tools to avoid trouble than have them avoid people altogether.
A very important topic of my theoretical
People with pedophilia have delusions, stimuli, or behaviors that involve illegal sexual activity with the child or children. Children are usually aged 13 years or younger. The behavior includes taking off the baby's clothes, encouraging the child to see the aggressor masturbating, touching the child's genitals, or performing sexual acts on the child. All these behaviors are a form of sexual deviation.
Some children are restricted to incest, which includes only their children or relatives. While others assaulted other children. People who attack children may use force or threaten their victims if they expose the abuse or may use it by exchanging love. All doctors and health-care providers are legally obliged to report abuse of minors.
Sexual orientation that leads to child abuse is a criminal offense punishable by imprisonment
I absolutely agree that it is important to make children aware of such things. It's a horrible process, because it is the beginning of them losing their innocence, but "stranger danger" needs to be dealt with at a fairly early age.
I have to say though...making assumptions about people, based on nothing except "intuition"...I am not overly comfortable with this. This is how rumours start, and imagine yourself being the subject of such rumours, based on nothing except someone's arbitrary intuition.
Oh, something to be very aware of - most child abuse does not happen at the hands of strangers, but at the hands of family and friends.
Intuition is learned, not innate. Our intuitions are developed through experience and training and I would want my daughter to err on the side of caution than blindly trust for the sake of political correctness.
This is true. This is also part of the education that needs to be addressed.
Hey. I didn't suggest that anyone should blindly trust, or even mention political correctness. I am merely saying one shouldn't rely on intuition absolutely, especially when it comes to besmirching an individual with no actual evidence.
But yes, it is better to be wary than to ignore what your mind is telling you.
I have to say, my intuition is just awful. I always try and see the best in people, and as such I am often a poor judge of character. Not always, but I am let some very unpleasant people in over the years. It's a flaw, and I try and work around it.
But yes, I do get an impression of sleaze from some people. And I wary of them. But I am wary of drawing hard and fast conclusions at the same time.
I agree, the best way to avoid Child Abuse is definitely by teaching our kids how to observe people, not being paranoid in the sense of it but being cautious, no human is the best judge of character we can only learn to avoid bad situations and defend ourselves when in one.
This is true. The ability to build our intuition and develop our instinct is very important to our survival and a chance to adapt to an ever changing world. I am very glad I discovered you @tarazkp early enough on Steemit. In my appreciation post today I mentioned how much I have just by following you. Keep doing the good work.
Just to add: maybe you would have been very good as a criminal profiler for intelligence agencies.