Origins of My Current Unwell Mental Disposition - Part 1

Two and a half years ago, the company I work for made half of the work force redundant. This included all switchboard personnel. They were replaced by an automated answering system. At the time I was on annual leave in a beautiful country. I returned from all-inclusive loveliness to discover half of my colleagues had lost their jobs, their livelihoods. I burst into tears. It was so cold. It was so unfair.

It was just before Christmas.

But it was reconfirmation that me and my fellow employees didn't really mean anything to our employers.

As time passed, the atmosphere in the office had deteriorated significantly. People found other employment and left the company, but they were not replaced. The remaining employees were forced to spread the additional work out between themselves. Some people ended up with a bit more than others. As someone who is unassertive and avoids conflict by nature of my personality, I was one of those people. I considered my workload had become too much for me to handle, my boss did not agree.

After a day in the office, I would go home from work like an empty shell. My brain would stop functioning. I was unable to answer simple questions like 'How was your day?' or 'What would you like for dinner?'. I was useless and it caused a strain on my relationships and my well being. I couldn't even focus enough to watch television. I would stare into space or fall asleep from exhaustion. I was not fun to be around. I could not listen to other peoples problems. I lost interest in my hobbies. I would spend my weekends sleeping excessively. My family begged me to get another job. I did apply for a few things but I was mostly too exhausted to put in a considerable effort.

Part of me still felt tied to the company. I worried about the colleagues I would be leaving behind. I had once enjoyed my job but now those days were long gone.