Origins of My Current Unwell Mental Disposition - Part 2

I'm not perfect, no one is.

I am stuck in my ways. If another individual finds aspects of my personality unpleasant, I am not going to change no matter how much they would like me to.

I always thought that if someone's 'flaws' were a deal-breaker, you should not be in a relationship with that person.

Real life isn't that simple. Some people like to be in a relationship with someone they perceive to have 'flaws' in order to assert control over them. I'm not even sure they even realise what they are doing, or that it is unhealthy.

I was in a controlling relationship for most of my adult life. I finally found the ability to end it a few months ago. I use the term 'ability' instead of 'strength' intentionally. I did not feel strong at the time, but that was the end.

Let's go back to the beginning. I met this person through a mutual friend. As a stupid idealist I thought he was The One. I was wrong. The first time we were intimate, he did things I found uncomfortable and sometimes painful. I tried to advise him and tell him I would prefer a different approach but he snapped at me and told me it was not my place to tell him what I liked. I learned to grin and bear it, even when it caused personal injury. I knew it was not normal, but I was in denial.

He was just the best looking person I had ever been in a relationship with and I could not believe how lucky I was. He wanted to be with me and he was totally out of my league. He was charming, funny, handsome and he had impeccable taste in popular culture. He didn't have any close friends, he was a bit of a loner, a total introvert. I felt special.

He didn't like my friends and told me repeatedly how awful they were. He advised me to stop being friends with them. He was especially critical of my relationship with my best friend. He told me I spent to much time with her and that her boyfriend must be sick of the sight of me. We tried to arrange activities, like a double date, but he refused. He never even met her so he had no grounds to criticise our friendship but that didn't stop me from, sadly, drifting apart from my friend.

He told me he would never stop me from being friends with people, but he would just condemn me when I did, so I stopped. He liked to keep me second guessing. I would go to perform a household chore and he would tell me to leave it. Then he would abscond me for not helping with the house work. I tried to stick up for myself, I explained that every time I tried, he would stop me. He said it was because I did everything wrong. It was an impossible game, I could never win. I had to do house work in secret, when he wasn't around.

I'm going to end it here for now. If you identify with any of this I am obviously in no place to judge but I hope you are finding it food for thought.