Having a hard time. Got some very heavy news this week.
I debated back and forth with myself about wether or not I actually wanted to post this, but I finally decided on it. I mentioned in a previous post that I've been dealing with some heavy news and that I'd post about it later, so to keep with my promise...
[deep breath] Here we go...
Since 1996, my Mom has had 3 successful bouts with cancer. The first of which was described as a "beachball sized" tumor, the second of which came in 2006 and nearly claimed her bladder, and the third of which occurred within months of my father passing away in 2014. Unfortunately, the chemo treatments played havoc on her kidneys, leaving her today with approximately 25% functionality. Here we are in 2017 and she's been informed of bout #4.Without getting into very much detail, we've come to a point where the kidney people won't do anything because of the cancer, and the cancer people won't do anything because of the kidneys. She's since had a tube surgically implanted to the kidney to keep in functioning.
She and my sister went to the doctor last week and received the news that I think all of us were expecting: It's time to consider that we've come to the end of the struggle. At this point, we should probably consider whatever options would result in the greatest amount of comfort for her.
It was almost like she'd been given permission to stop fighting. I can't help but wonder if she'd hoped this would be the case. She's held on for so long.
She has been informed that with her condition, there are 3 real possibilities as to how this will all come to a close... two of them are known to be very painful, and one of them involves removing the tube. Kidney failure is said to be one of the least painful ways to go. Along with a bit of itching, you just... fall asleep.
Well, she informed me today that she has elected to have the tube removed this week to allow nature to take its course.
We don't know how long we have. Weeks...months?
She's so tired. She's fought like the toughest champ I've ever met for over 2 decades. It breaks my heart to see her so tired and so ready to go, and I wish my son had more time with her. But I can't be selfish here. She and my dad were married for nearly 45 years before he passed away in 2014. And for the past 3 1/2 years she's suffered without him, and I can see it. We can all see it.
But GodDAMMIT it hurts so much to let her go.
(Jesus, I can barely even see the monitor clear enough to even type this right now.)
All I have time for now is to thank her for the mother she's been to me and apologize for the son I've been to her.
I love you, Mom. Always and forever. You were the mom everyone wanted, and I was lucky enough to actually have you. I will make sure the rest of your days were worth hanging on for, and I will miss you every day for the rest of my life.
Keep your head up brother, will pray for your mom. Never give up and be strong for your sister. My mother had breast cancer as well and its a horrible thing I pray one day we can rid the world of. Take care @winstonwolfe
I hope we can make that happen. I hope one day no one else has to suffer watching their mother, their aunt, their sister, or their daughter suffer through that. Take care of yourself, @thejohalfiles
The real hell is here on earth. Depiction of hell is where one is stripped of freedom, yet I see no freedom around as my fellow men are chained and working to serve those who will never look them in the eye. We've made this planet a living hell. Sorry to hear that @thejohalfiles and @winstonwolfe. Hope both of you find peace of hearth.
Also I recommend energetic healing and rest/peace to help treatment. Chemo therapy will destroy the body's a bit but works with small spots. My Grandmother had cancer recently and It did help her, but made her weak.
I have had that same thought for a long time. Hell is here on Earth.
Thank you.
Losing a parent is never easy, thank you for sharing your beautiful mother. She will always be with you in your heart. My father died, the most painful, gut wrenching experience ever. We closer now more than ever, he visits, I fell his presence, I am the woman I raised me to be.
I love you - Jeanine
Amen bro.
Twenty one years of fighting. That is strength. If you think about all she saw during those 21 years, I bet she is very happy that she fought and won for so long. She saw your son and got to know him. That is the victory. When I was younger I thought having kids was the ultimate victory. Now I see that seeing them grow, be happy, and witnessing them feeling the joy of parenthood is an even bigger victory. Your mom did it. I bet you made a ton of great memories of these 21 years.
I know it hurts. It will hurt for a long time. I just hope that the gift of the last 21 years brings you strength when you need it. Your mom was strong. I am sure she passed that down to you.
Thank you for the kind words.
She and my dad both did it, too. Dad held on for 27 years after starting a nice long list of health issues at age 44, including heart stuff, brain stuff, prostate cancer, a chronic form of leukemia, blood pressure, blood clotting, 2 open heart surgeries, a myriad of different angio-probing (plasties and grams) yadda yadda, on and on. But when he died, we believe he may have only had about 4 seconds due to either a blood clot, stroke, or heart attack. I tend to say he died suddenly after 27 years of dying slowly.
Be strong friend..My condolences.
I hope things get better for you !
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I love you brother, and my heart is with you. I'm thankful to still have both my parents in good shape, and I hope I can cherish them for years to come. What you wrote really struck deep into my heart, and I've considered what it would be like to live in a world where I was an orphan (even as adults and old men, we can still be that when the people that brought us into the world and raised us finally pass on). I hope your mother knows just how much you love her, and how much she means to you.
Thanks.
You're welcome. Anything I can do for you, I'm here for you.
Keep your head up high. I can't relate but just reading your post sank my heart. I wish you the best, the Steemit community is behind you! :)
Its always painful to let someone go who is the closest to us, not because of love but because of attachment. Love would instead make us think for the other's benefit, as you are thinking now. Attachment is selfish, love is not. And no one dies. We always carry people along in every birth. This bond of souls is not from this birth only. So don't worry !! You CANNOT loose her. May be you stay away from each other for a while, but you will separate, only to meet again :)
Omg...this is so touching. I was so emotional and close to tears reading this. I cant even imagine how you feeling now. Is sad to watch a love one go and you cant do nothing about it. But like you said, she has suffered a lot. The pains she must have gone through must be unimaginable. Dont know what to say, but i know Jesus gat her and your family.
I pray God give you the grace and strength to get through this time. I pray may her exit be painless...awww this is so emotional!!!!
Sounds like your mom raised a good kid, who knows what love is.
I have nothing to say that can take the pain away, and for that I am sorry.
I can however, tell you that, energy cannot be created or destroyed. It can only be transferred. Your ability to love, came from her - your love will continue when her time comes. Your love will teach your kids to love, and it will continue when your time comes.
Your mother teaching you to love, has made her immortal. The ripples she has created will radiate through the cosmos. In this way, she will never die.
Oh man! I wasn't prepared to read that. And I'm telling you, it just broke me. I honestly have no words to express my utter sorrow for what you and your sweet mother are going through. Just know this, I feel your pain, man. I lost my mother a number of years ago and understand the turmoil and immense strain this is putting everyone under. But you're a respected diamond on Steemit, man. You know full well we are all praying for you and your family. I just wish life didn't have to dish out crap like this.
Again, I'm so incredibly sorry you guys are going through this. You're in our thoughts, buddy.
Truly. I'm so thankful that I still have both of my parents, but I understand how painful that loss must be. It's times like these that I'm immensely grateful for the community we have here.
Thank you, @ezzy.