The Bible vs. Game of Thrones - One of These is Hardcore!

Every now and then you hear these "concerned citizens" calling to end the pervasive and mostly gratuitous violence - primarily in video games, movies and HBO. Personally, I find graphic depictions of violence a turn off - I really don't need to see that make-believe blood splattering everywhere - I can fill in the blanks myself. But that's just me. Violence per se does not bother me - I find it as entertaining as the next guy, I just don't like the gore.

What is highly ironic though is when you hear these protestations come from the most unlikely group - the "Bible camp". It is really amazing to me how years of listening to the same tired old moralizing sermons can make one quite so oblivious to the visceral gruesomeness of the biblical narrative. If ever Quentin Tarantino or Ethan Coen got their hands on a good script of "Bibleville" - it would be an action movie that would make Fargo or Pulp Fiction or, more to the point, The Game of Thrones, seem like Pollyannaesque kindergarten stories.

So what would "Bibleville" look like in my cinematic imagination? Well, for starters it would obviously have to be an R-rated movie , which I hope I will amply demonstrate below. The plot would be strictly based on the canonical Old Testament text, with some dialogue and side characters as garnish.

The kind of plot I imagine would trace the life of a family from the proverbial birth of the nation down to the vicissitudes of political intrigue in the monarchical Israel, the Civil War between David's descendants, the Assyrian and Babylonian invasions, and the Restoration. Some of the juicy earlier stories could be included as "reminiscences by the fire" among Jacob's motley crew of sons. Some featured scenes that are sure to keep viewers' attention and beg them for more would include:

A graphic depiction of the first fratricide - Cain and Abel (Gen. 4)

Angels fooling around (the technical term is fornicating) with hot, hot, hot "daughters of men" (Gen. 6) and ensuing corruption of morals

Near total planet-wide genocide via an orchestrated series of natural disasters - "Operation Climate Change" (Noah)

Complete and total intoxication/substance abuse followed by lewd and indecent exposure - starring Noah (Gen 8) and the awkward scene of Ham"walking in on dad"

Abraham pimping out his wife Sarah (is there a technical term for this?) to the Pharaoh to gain his favor

Abraham doing Hagar "the maid", with wife's approval, of course, - polygamy

Gay pride in Sodom - "make love to a visitor". Lot offers his daughters to be gang raped, rather than let the crowd have fun with his three visitors. Another close call - the visitors turn out to be angels.

Mass extermination - incineration of two entire cities of Sodom & Gomorrah by fire - everyone burnt alive. Yup, no survivors.

Incest and ménage à trois in one package - Lot's daughters getting daddy drunk and having a great time taking turns jumping his bones - out of a sense of duty, of course (to improve the demographic situation, aka "to make the world a better place").

Child abuse - Abraham "almost" sacrificing Isaac the old fashioned way - solo camping trip with dad in the mountains, getting tied up and unleashing the dagger over the boy's head - but a last minute change and we only slaughter a little lamb. That was close!

The revenge of Simeon and Levi - mafia-style massacre of boyfriend's clan - because "sex is for married people only" (Genesis 34). Ah Dinah, why couldn't you keep your panties on?? (A bonus in the director's cut version - a portrayal of group circumcision of Shechem's family, a type of early Jewish ER scene).

The story of Onan - the guy who invented birth control by pulling out early(sic!) when doing the deceased brother's wife (polygamy is so taxing), and possibly also masturbation (also known as onanism) - and what came of it.(Gen. 38:9).

Tamar the prankster - a little side job as a 'sex worker' to see what the father-in-law (Judah) is packing (Gen 38:12-26). A day (and nine months) in a life of a prostitute. Another incestuous relationship.

Jacob - outdoes grandpa Abraham by having an ultimate sex competition with 4 women - a sex Olympics titled "Who can bear more sons???". The result of this polygamous love fest - The Twelve Tribes of Israel.

Joseph and Potiphar's wife - sexual harassment at the workplace, and this time the woman is the boss with all the perks. (Gen. 39)

Moses killing an Egyptian in a fit of anger - meh, just another murder (Exodus 2)

The plagues of Egypt culminating in the massive extermination of ALL Egyptian firstborn.

Israel on the way to the Promised Land perform another mass killing - this time of the Midianites - including women who had wasted their virginity on Midianite men. This should make for a real edge-of-your-seat action as each potential victim is examined, pronounced "yea" or "nay", and is either executed or sent to the match-maker. (Number 31)

The conquest of Canaan - rivers of blood - massive genocide (women and children included) - pretty much sums up the book of Joshua. The highlight of this section could be the siege and the destruction Jericho - all city inhabitants are executed save for the traitor and whore Rahab and her kin. (Joshua 5-6)

Judge Ehud, using false pretenses, kills Moabite king Eglon by plunging a sword deep into the guy's fat belly until gore, fat and excrement start to gush out (Judges 3:21ff). Did I mention Eglon was fat? Disgusting!

Child sacrifice - Jephthah (another judge-ruler of Israel) killing his only daughter because "I promised God to sacrifice to Him whatever first comes out to greet me". (Judges 11)

Gang rape and murder of a concubine of a certain Levite; her subsequent dismemberment by her husband who then overnights her sundry parts to all the tribes of Israel in a desperate call for revenge. A civil war ensues. (Judges 19)

Saul calling on a witch of Endor to perform... witchcraft and summon the dead - the ghost of Samuel who had died a few chapters earlier. (1 Samuel 28)

The story of David the bounty hunter - in order to get the king's daughter, he needs to kill 100 men and bring 100 foreskins (skin off the tip of the penis) to the king. David over-delivers and brings 200. Go David!

The story of David and Bathsheba is just too good to pass up - Bathsheba bathes naked where she could be seen by strangers (on purpose?), David is overpowered by her charms and consummates his passion committing adultery. Then he schemes to murder her husband.

One of David's sons Amnon rapes his half-sister Tamar. The incestuous lust is just rampant in this family line. Of course the story does not end there - Amnon tells Tamar to get lost and is subsequently punished for being less than a gentleman - he is murdered by Tamar's brother Absalom. Rape and murder, - I sense another winning plot twist. (2 Samuel 13)

David ensures his claim to the throne by clearing the brush, so to speak, ordering the murder of seven of Saul's sons and grandsons (2 Samuel 21)

Elijah vs. the prophets of Baal and Jezebel. Elijah kills all the prophets of Baal. Jezebel is thrown out of a window and dogs eat up her remains. Blood and guts, we want more blood and guts! (2 Kings 9:30-37)

Balding prophet Elisha is mocked by a bunch of punk kids (42 of them to be exact). Elisha curses them ("F**k you"?) and the bears come out of the woods and tear all the 42 kids to shreds. Bears and corpses! Now, that would be a fun scene to film! Tarantino, where are you???

Prophet Isaiah is told by God to strip naked, and so he does and wanders around the streets showing off his naked butt for three(!) years. It's a symbolic gesture - obviously, warning Israel not to trust the king of Egypt lest they end up with bare-cheeked themselves. (Isaiah 20)

Jeremiah the prophet plays "hide the underwear under a rock". The key seems to be that it is dirty underwear as God told him not to wash it for some time. Eeeeew! (Jeremiah 13:1-11). It's a symbolic gesture with a deep meaning.

God tells Ezekiel to bake his meal using human excrement for fuel - as a symbolic gesture. Ezekiel protests and God downgrades to using literal bull shit. (Ezekiel 4:12). Yeah!

Prophet Hosea, following God's instructions, is searching for the most sexually promiscuous woman in the city (it's kind of a euphemism for a whore) - so he could marry her. (Hosea 1). As you probably have guessed, this too is a symbolic gesture. Hosea marries Gomer, she bears him three children and eventually dumps him and the kids for another man. Classic move!

As you could probably see from the above compilation - we have a veritable blockbuster on our hands - so much space for a creative genius like Tarantino to really make it rain fire and brimstone.

Anyway, when I hear the critics say we could use a moratorium violence, gore and spilled guts, I heartily agree and I think they should should probably start by re-working the canon of the Old Testament. But, of course, tastes differ, as they say.