When breastfeeding doesn’t feel so magical
When Breastfeeding Doesn’t Feel So Magical....
It has taken me quite a while to write about this....why? Because I was hoping that I would find a cure or an answer 😢
But unfortunately I haven’t. So I thought I would write and share about my experience of BAA (Breastfeeding Aversion and Agitation).
To be honest I didn’t even know there was a word or a meaning for the way I began feeling a while ago.
Charlie was born in December 2018 and I had been dry nursing Bonnie since my milk had dried up at 12 weeks pregnant. No problems, apart from feeling sad that my milk supply had gone. So I persevered, in much hope that it would return at anytime time. It didn’t.....
So throughout my pregnancy with Charlie I continued to dry nurse Bonnie. She actually got to the point of hardly asking for milkies. It made me feel so sad, and I felt like I had let her down because although she had got the goodness of breastfeeding for 2.5 years, I wanted her to naturally wean off herself and when she was ready. She obviously wasn’t, because she still took comfort in dry nursing.
I had really wanted to tandem feed and so I worried incase she didn’t like the taste of milkies anymore.
The day Charlie arrived, he was straight on the breast and feeding like his pro big sister. Bonnie came to the hospital to meet her new baby brother, and she too went straight back into breastfeeding. She was actually feeding like a newborn again, and probably just as much as Charlie (day and night!). It was great, just what I had hoped for. I could keep giving Bonnie the goodness of breastmilk and they would both have a lovely bond whilst tandem feeding. It makes my heart melt when Bonnie strokes Charlie’s little hands when they are both feeding.
Arghhhh!!!
Then about 6 weeks into feeding, one day I started getting this awful dread at the thought of Bonnie breastfeeding at the same time is Charlie. It literally came out of nowhere. I felt revolting, like a toe curling dread that I just wanted to scream. I had no idea why I was feeling like it. Literally feeding was making my skin crawl. It is the worst feeling ever, and not knowing how to stop it makes it even worse!
I started thinking that there was something wrong with me, it was happening almost every time I was tandem feeding. The only way to stop it was to unlatch Bonnie. I then felt terrible and Bonnie would get tearful. I would then try again.
I then did some research and came across BAA.
What is Breastfeeding Aversion?
Breastfeeding/ Nursing Aversion & Agitation (BAA) is a phenomenon whereby breastfeeding / pumping mothers experience negative emotions triggered whilst breastfeeding, these include anger, rage, agitation and irritability. Women also struggle with an 'overwhelming urge to de-latch', and often a skin itching sensation. BAA or 'aversion' can be experienced by any breastfeeding (or even pumping) person, at any stage of their feeding journey, and it varies in onset, severity and duration. There is so much that can be written about aversion, and this resource site has plenty of articles by different professionals and quotes from mothers.
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Knowing that many women experience this and there was a term for it, made me feel “normal” and there are many reasons that it happens.
What have I done to help me through?
I have continued to feed, and mentally it is tough going 😢 Sometimes I do cry through it. Sometimes I don’t and just try to take my mind off it. I try to just offer Bonnie milkies when Charlie isn’t latched on as it doesn’t seem as intense when only one of them is feeding. I only get the feeling when they are both latched on 🤷♀️
I have also been using magnesium oil spray on my body. I know that many people are magnesium deficient and that coincides with these types of feelings. That has also helped.
However at times, especially when Bonnie has been poorly I am so glad that I have battled through it and persevered. I try to remember that this time of breastfeeding will go so fast, and I’ll miss tandem feeding and the closeness.
I hope this helps some other breastfeeding / pregnant mummies and here is some more information about BAA