I Wish These Were Just Annoyances
It's that time of year again - Lunar New Year. I had to head to the mall for my daily necessities and some decent-looking shirts for my gigs; showing up to video calls in a Dragon Ball tee doesn't quite project the right person for the job vibe, even though it's a remote freelance thing.
I'm not trying to be a wet blanket, and this isn't just me whining - it's that my threshold for so many things is gone. Issues that should be minor have become deeply problematic; these aren't just annoyances - they are physical stressors. It isn't just imagination, as others so love to claim when they want to dismiss what I'm going through.
Between the deafening noise and the overwhelming colors, it's just too much. What's worse is that the fireworks aren't just at night - they go on all day. Every blast makes me jump, and the sudden shock leaves my heart racing as if I'm having a heart attack.
The backlash I saw directed at a man simply asking for consideration for terrified pets during this festive season was a wake-up call; the world is so ugly. It's clear that many people don't give a damn about who they affect when they are in celebration mode.
I need to keep these stressors to myself; I don't want to be accused of things or be bashed like that poor man. So, I'm locking my doors and windows to drown out the firecrackers and drums. It's fifteen days of this, but at least with my earplugs and closed windows, I can control my own space.
I'm reposting this story about my relationship with color.
Looking back, I realize how much I underestimated the impact it had on me then. Back then, the struggle was just beginning. Over the years, it has intensified manyfold.
Once your nervous system begins to fail you, it changes everything else.
When Colors Become Emotions
This happened during my pre-kindergarten days, where my nap time can feel like a rollercoaster ride with this recurring dream.
I was whisked away to a dream bursting with colors like the TV color bars. Magenta, cyan and yellow swirling, in a fun way like candy land comes to life.
Everything felt sweet, fuzzy and safe for me, like the best dream ever.
One minute, I was in a rainbow explosion. Then, without warning, the scenery changed.
Shades like muddy brown, dark grey and the deepest black devoured everything whole; the happy colors along with the smile on my face and the happiness I felt.
Nothing but darkness left, thick and heavy like a wet blanket.
My heart would pound fast in my chest, fear twisting my stomach into a knot. The air grew stale and thick, suffocating me.
I ran, desperate to escape, but no matter where I turned, it was the same. I was trapped and lost in an endless, terrifying maze.
My tears welled up, blurring my vision. I was so scared and so alone in this dark place.
Just as the darkness is closing in, a jolt ripped me awake. I was back in my own room. Trembling and terrified, I sobbed until the intense feelings fade away.
I still remember those nightmares until this day.
It’s strange how colors can play tricks on one's emotions. I still don’t understand the significance between the happy colors and the scary colors in the dreams.
Not just in dreams, but in everyday life too. Certain color can affect me negatively.
I bought a set of luxurious bedsheets in shade of red. It kept me up all night feeling restless and irritated. It only took me one night to swap it out.
Everything went back to normal after that.
Red clothes weren’t much better.
When we had to wear red cheongsams for a Chinese New Year event, I was gripped by panic attacks all day. The dress was gorgeous, but the color just… overwhelmed me.
In the end, I couldn’t keep it, even though it was beautiful.
So far, I’m only aware of my problem with red color.
©Britt H.
Thank you for reading this.
More about the person behind the writing in My Introductory Post
If you’d like to support my writing — you can consider buying me a coffee here Any support holds immense significance for a disabled neurodivergent like me.