Move over Willy Wonka: The most magical place in the world (CHOCOLATE)

Aka, Zotter Schocoladen Manufaktur: Vegan Survival Guide

Forget everything you (and I) thought you knew about Austria and replace it with this: it's the chocolate factory that puts Willy Wonka to shame - on so many levels.

Disclaimer: I'm not an actual vegan, but it's a useful shorthand for my ulcerative colitis diet, and so I only ate vegan chocolate on this trip... ok, mostly (there was one very fishy exception, but I'll get to that below).

Before I get to the survival guide, let's start with why Zotter is so amazing.

1. Fairtrade, bean-to-bar - Zotter went (way) beyond organic, creating a whole supply chain of amazing cocoa that does good for the world.

2. Family business - His wife is his business partner, son and daughter work in the company (youngest one volunteers to taste the chocolate - very demanding "job"). The factory is in his parents' old barn in their home village because he went bankrupt and had to start over (love these types of stories). The employees are local and get free, healthy, made-right-there meals. All that and more ix explained in a really fun and well-mad emovie befor eyou start the tour:

1. Design, dude, the design - apparently, he has a designer friend who makes each piece of packaging into a work of art. I'm not even exaggerating: A friend of mine buys some chocolate from Zotter just for the wrappers. I bought a bunch of bars for my friends back in the USA to give as gifts because they look exceptionally giftable.

2. Taste - I. Can't. Even. I've tasted some amazing chocolate in my life (yes, I'm an addict, so?), like the one aged in brandy casks. But holy cocoa bean Zotter has some insanely delicious chocolate.

3. Inventiveness - look at their site https://www.zotter.at or https://www.zotterusa.com and see all the shapes, varieties, mixes, and just everything these geniuses come up with over there. I was so overwhelmed at the store that wound up just buying one bar that I loved during the tasting (hint: Madagaskar) and ordering the rest online once my senses regained some normalcy.

1. The right reasons - Zotter makes and sells chocolate he himself wants to eat. That's why there are so many varieties and why so many of them are so weird (in the best way). This is not some megacorp making a commodity for profit. Xotter chocolates are worth every europenny because the research, experimentation, labor, fairtrade and oranic practices, and every bit of love that go into each bar are worth much more than they can ever price the chocolate. (Is that why I forgot to use my 10% off coupon when ordering online, oy?)

Sidenote for fellow ulcerative colitis people: the bathrooms are stunning:

Ok, time for the survival guide, because I can praise Zotter forever (the sugar rush helps).

Tip 1: Pace yourself

It's probably not the longest tasting tour, but it's not short either. I got buzzed immediately and had enough common sense to moderate my chocolate intake, but it was not easy. It actually helps A LOT to be vegan: a lot of the tasting is not available to you. Btw, this is my main (maybe even only) gripe with Zotter: of all the awesome-looking fruity flavors, pretty much none were vegan. Vegans like to get fruity too (take that with whatever connotation you want, I'm talking chocolate here, people).

Tip 2: Water is your friend

They very brilliantly put water fountains in the rooms so you could cleanse your palate between tastings. Do it! Ideally, do it between each new flavor you taste (I did it between every 10 maybe - rookie rush to Taste. Them. ALL). I would put a water fountain next to each tasting station, but that may add another $18 million to the factory cost (yes, I was a humanities major in college).

Tip 3: Beware of the bitters

Think 96% chocolate is bitter? They have 100%. And raw beans. And coffee beans (worst idea for my colitis, btw). Quick trick: the station with liquid dark chocolates is across from the station with sweet white ones. If you don't feel like running to the water fountain every time, use the sweet one as a cleanser. Btw, while most of the liquid dark chocolates are vegan, only one or two white ones are.

Tip 4: Make sure your hot (rice/soy) milk with chocolate is actually hot

Yes, it happened to me. drinking lukewarm (vegan) milk isn't fun. Having the chocolate finally melt with the tiny remainder of milk i way too sweet too. Oh yeah, you get a glass of hot milk with the chocolate bar of your choice as part of the tour. The bars ride on a pulley system through the whole factory (it seems - the system set a Guinness World Record or something) and you pick one out.

Tip 5: Check carefully

Should've mentioned this earlier, but sometimes it just says Vegan, sometimes it's color-coded. Sometimes, there are no signs, so assume it's not vegan - like the milling powder (so sweet, so dairy, too late).

Tip 6: If pressed for time, go for the light bulbs

It's the first chocolate pieces on the tour (after all the beans), and they were probably the most delicious thing there - such subtlety of flavor. OMG. Seriously, I got spoiled early with Max Brenner chocolates as a Secret Santa gift, so I always look for a bunch of subtle flavors in each bite. And these light bulb minis deliver that in spades.

Tip 7: Avoid groups of Slovenian schoolkids

Actually, I love Slovenians. They just happend to be the ones there when I went. But being stuck behind a group is annoying. Run ahead or stay back. You don't want noise, waiting, or anything else to distract you from the total zen and nirvana and every other misused Buddhist word of Zotter's chocolate-y perfection. Take your time. I rushed. Really rushed. Don't be like me. Savor each piece.

Tip 8: Don't skip the gift shop

If I were given the tour of just the gift shop, I would consider that alone the best place in the world. I haven't felt like that since first coming to America with $3 in my pocket and being absolutely floored by the candy selection at WaWa. I love my WaWa, but Zotter's variety is in another universe. Just the gifts you can buy there are alone worth your time, especially the Christmas countdown chocolate calendars. Too havy fo rme to take home, but so beatiful and such perfect gifts (like there is anyone in the world deserving of such an amazing gift).

Ok, so I'm going to stop here. No, wait, I'm not.

Tip 9: Do eat the fish

Sometime you just need to forget about being vegan and eat ome fish. Especially when it's part of a marshmallow-y chocolate bar. It doesn't quite taste like fish, but... well, try it. Personally, I think it's definitely worth it. Again, mad props to Zotter for being so inventive with falvors. There is even a, get this, chocolate graveyard for all the flavors that didn't make it into the market.

Now, for real, I'm stopping this. Because there is that Madagascar bar in front of me. And a box of Zotter chocolates on its way to my parents' house, including one designed for the best mom and one for the best dad (awww, shh, they have no idea ;))).

I'm not a fan of tours. I am super skeptical. This place blew my mind and became the absolute highlight of my trip so far. Close second was also in Vienna (an amazing indie coffee shop with awesome vegan desserts - yes, again and always - and a very unorthodox culture)... stay tuned )).

PS. Totally non-vegan bonus: They have a new project on-site, a farm where you get to pet animals and then select them to be killed and served to you. It's a way to make meat-eating more human. I'm not entirely sold on that idea, but I get where they're coming from.