BREAKING: A Man Discovers the Blockchain Is Not His Therapist: Immediately Declares It a Crime Scene
A Satirical Autopsy of condividisulweb’s Legal-Fantasy Cinematic Universe
By nani-mouse
There’s a kind of confidence you only see in two types of people:
(1) toddlers holding crayons, and (2) adults typing in all caps about blockchain law they invented this morning
Today’s spectacle comes to us courtesy of condividisulweb, a walking siren alarm whose every paragraph sounds like someone poured hot paranoia directly into a keyboard.
This is not a post.
This is a manifesto written by a man who thinks the Terms of Service are the Ten Commandments and he is Moses holding the tablet upside down.
He screams:
“If a multi-account isn’t CERTIFIED… one or more CRIMINAL OFFENCES could be committed!”
Certified by WHO?
The Blockchain DMV?
The International Bureau of Accounts I Personally Approve Of?
His internal Ministry of Feelings?
This man thinks “certification” is what blockchain accounts need.
Meanwhile, every developer on Earth is begging someone to certify that he has ever used a blockchain before.
But let’s continue…
“It’s not like some PHENOMENON wakes up and opens accounts however he wants!”
Holy shit!
People can open accounts?! Like… whenever they want?? That's just absurd! Someone should call the UN and get everyone here now!
Bro!
That’s literally exactly what happens. The spirits of blurtopians haunt the chains. Deal with it.
Imagine being so authoritarian that blockchain freedom personally offends you.
Imagine believing that having multiple accounts on a decentralized platform is a felony but posting 900 screenshots in a tantrum thread is not.
Any action intended to offend any user is a CRIME!
Oh really?
Then this man is running the biggest criminal empire since Pablo Escobar, because every line he writes offends the entire concept of literacy.
He genuinely believes offending someone is a crime.
Not doxxing.
Not scamming.
Not impersonation.
Not laundering.
No.
Just hurting someone's feelings.
This is the type of man-child who walks into Walmart expecting daycare service for his birthday boys but ends up being arrested for his ridiculous blue haired dog, meanwhile cps is trying to figure out where to send their Eskimo sons because their necks are so thin from being tied to leashes for so long. The amount of authoritarian sewage that comes from this guy's mouth makes me wonder if the roaches in his home are forming nazi battalions against the neighbors.
“These multi-accounts manipulate CRYPTO ‘THEREFORE CURRENCY,’
therefore LEGALLY therefore FINANCIALLY therefore CRIME!”
You touched a pencil, therefore graphite, therefore carbon, therefore chemistry, therefore MURDER!
How dare you write!
Man...
Someone failed the audition for QAnon.
Follow the money!
Sir, the only money missing is the value of your time while writing these walls of text.
If someone followed your money, they’d find about:
13 BLURT
2 unpaid emotional debts
and one self-printed diploma in “Internet Law, cum delusion.”
He name-drops Giovanni Falcone, a literal anti-mafia judge.
Falcone fought organized crime.
This man is fighting the terrifying threat of someone disagreeing with him on a social platform.
Some PHENOMENON wakes up and opens accounts... You know who else wakes up opens accounts?
Everyone.
He is fighting freedom of account creation like it’s a terrorist threat.
“I AM TESTING THE PLATFORM’S ANTIBODIES!”
A digital Jesus testing the moral fiber of the chain. What a hero!
Go write a proposal. Title it: The Blockchain Should Protect My Feelings Act, 2025.