Comedy Open Mic. Round 17: Welcome to Texas; Where Rape Has Always Been illegal

Being a pseudo-intellectual is hard work in the information age. Back in the old days you just dogeared a shitload of pages on some Nietzsche, left it lying around the house, and kept a few Bukowski quotes in your back pocket to shoehorn into conversations, confident you wouldn’t be called out because nobody else read that shit either. Up until recently, my go-to was tossing out casual Steve Jobs facts. Everyone loves Steve Jobs, but not enough to actually know anything about him. Plus he wore a turtleneck, so that makes me look smart. Ashton Kutcher and the Samsung Galaxy killed that golden goose but its OK. This ain’t my first rodeo.

Now you have to keep up with the outrage of the week and feel out the room for which side of the Israel/ Palestine conflict you support. I was watching TED Talks this morning, looking for soundbites to regurgitate at parties. I was trying to understand morbidly obese women shaming society for not having sex with them while their Tinder profiles insist all men make six figures, be over six feet tall, and have chiseled abs so that I could agree with them to prove how "woke" I am.

Then I ran across this video of two girls talking about how rape culture has to end.

There were two thoughts going through my head:

1. The girl on the right doesn’t have anything to worry about.
2. Have I been living under a rock?

I’ve heard about rape culture before, but much like the existence of hipsters; I thought it was just an internet joke until I saw enough evidence to realize this is a real problem. The video takes place in England. After doing some research it seems that rape culture is most prevalent in New York, California, (apparently) England, and seems to be worst around college campuses, construction sites, and Harvey Weinstein. According to the video, you can stop Harvey Weinstein rape by tweeting the magic hashtag TIMESUP. For the rest of the rape, we need to educate boys that it’s not ok.

I have another solution: Move to Texas!

While we aren’t exactly famous for our progressive policies regarding the well-being of women, as far as I know, rape has always been illegal here. Not only that, but rape is universally agreed upon to be the worst thing one person can do to another outside of straight up murder. Not only does Texas execute more people than the entire rest of the country but we have legal loopholes that let you kill people yourself, like if they break into your house, or look at you funny. There are absolutely no exceptions granted, legally or morally, that say it's ok to rape someone, no matter what they are wearing. So we are actually more ok with killing people than raping them.

Rapes do happen in Texas but even the rapists know it is wrong. I’ve never seen a Facebook status that says.

This is a true story: When I was in my early twenties i was having a party. Now, you might not believe it but I wasn't always the law abiding citizen I am now. Without exception, everyone at the party was a criminal. We had thieves, drug dealers, drug addicts, violent criminals, and one guy who cheated on his taxes. One of the girls there said a guy we all knew date raped her the other evening. Just so happened that guy showed up a few hours later. Up until this point we were all friends with him. He got his ass whooped to the point that he jumped out a window to escape. It was a one-story house so it wasn't too dramatic but I'm pretty sure his ankle hurt really bad when he landed. Not too much longer the police showed up asking about an assault that had just taken place. This was a fairly small town so the cops were on a first name basis with everyone in the room for all the wrong reasons.

Here's how the converation went:

Cops: "We have a report of an assault."

Criminals: "Dude raped a chick."

Cops: "It appears we do not have enough evidence to investigate this assault. Have a nice day."

So come on down to Texas, where the only rape culture is in the Catholic church...but that’s a worldwide problem...and almost exclusively for boys.

I nominate @direwolf and @demonsthenes to join the contest.

Sources, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6