How to Talk to Dog People: Comedy Open Mic Round # 7

I was born in a family of dog people. My parents started breeding dogs when I was about seven years old. Responsibly breeding dogs, let me specify that. Our dogs were tested for hereditary diseases and the pedigrees of all prospective parents were examined with a fine tooth comb.

I still have no clue how that fine tooth comb made the piece of paper easier to interpret. But I guess it didn’t hurt.

Anyway. By the time I turned nine, I midwifed my first litter of puppies. Other children my age played with barbies. My barbies chewed on my shoelaces and they smelled divine. Have you ever smelled newborn puppies? Better than fresh-baked cookies. Shame that the outfits and heels didn’t fit so well, though…

With a childhood like that, how could I not grow up to become a crazy dog lady? My boyfriend and I own four dogs at the moment. Three of those are responsibly bred pedigree dogs. One was adopted. She spent the first three years of her life with an old lady who got her from a puppy mill, and who was in no way equipped to deal witha high energy working breed dog. We love all of them equally.

We don’t have children, and even if we did, our dogs would still be a huge part of our family. I do realise that our family outings look kinda scary.

People tend to cross the street rather than passing me on the sidewalk when the pack and I are out for one of our walks. Can I blame them? No. I can’t. Sometimes I scare me too.

Apparently, dog people are scary to a lot of non-dog people. It’s like we speak a different language.

But not to worry. I compiled a list of easy to follow tips on how to succesfully communicate and interact with us.

1

Whatever you do, don’t back down. Don’t show fear. We can smell it. Our dogs taught us.

2

Our dog lives in our house. You don’t. If you dislike the dog hair or the toys squeaking underfoot, that’s not our problem. Come prepared, and whatever you do, don’t wear your best clothes and don't expect to get a spot on the couch.

3

Dogs will eat anything. And that includes wood, rocks and snails. If you wear earrings or other visible jewelry that looks semi-edible, we cannot be held responsible for the behaviour of our family members. Or our dogs…

4

Don’t talk baby talk to our dogs. It annoys us, and they can’t understand a word you say anyway. They’re probably sitting there, waiting for you to produce a treat.

5

Allowing our dogs to kiss you is not, I repeat, NOT mandatory. You don’t want to know where that tongue has been.

6

Don’t feed the dogs at the table. It’s teaching them bad manners. How would you feel if I were to visit you and teach your kids to doodle on the walls with permanent marker?

However: If the dog’s owner sets a bad example and feeds them at the table himself, have at it. I won’t hold it against you. Dog owners, like every other species, has bad apples and there’s not much we can do about them.

7

Don’t invite us for New Year’s eve parties. We have plans. To spend the holiday in the woods in the middle of nowhere, far from fireworks. You’re welcome to join us on our camping trip though…

8

We can’t meet you for drinks at six. That’s our dog’s mealtime.

9

If you want a picture of our kids or spouse, you’ll have to be patient. We have a lot of dog pics to scroll through to find them.

10

Whatever you do, do NOT make eye contact. It could be interpreted as a sign of agression.

No wait… That’s communicating with dogs. Not dog people… I think…

What do you say we call it a day, huh?

Hugs

Tiny

---

Holy crap! I surprised myself last week, entering the Comedy Open Mic once. Now I did it again!

I guess I owe @idikuci big time for planting this idea in my head! I hope these tips help you in your communication attempts. ;-)

I nominate @negativer and @dbzfan4awhile to participate.

See you all next week?