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RE: I find your lack of understanding disturbing...
Explain bitcoin to a newb in 5 minutes: literally impossible. You would have to oversimplify to the point were you wouldn't be able to explain even the basic concepts of bitcoin, and the noob would simply remember that it's "magic digital money". For example, literally 0 mention of cryptography (or private signatures) in the article you linked to. For a crypto-currency that's quite the over-simplification.
well you have to start somewhere.
agreed. However If you're gona invest significant amounts of money (relative to your net worth), spending at least 30 minute on informing yourself seems like a bare minimum. I actually made an article 2 weeks ago about learning about cryptos and by far the best introductory ressource I found was this 26 min video:
However, even there, if functions of modern-day cryptography aren't familiar to you, it'll take 2-3 viewings to really get it