The Legend of Yakub the Liar

I had this friend when I was younger who was very skilled at making up stories. It was probably his talent—or his curse—to deceive people. Although most of us, his classmates, didn’t really believe some of his words, at first we did.

It was a hot afternoon, and a gang of us SS3 boys were walking home. It wasn’t the whole class, just those of us who lived in the same direction and could track home together. Yakub started talking, as usual. He told us that after he ate dog meat, dogs became afraid of him. He said even bulldogs wouldn’t dare to bite him.

We were listening to his chatter when Ade, one of our friends, invited us to come eat garri at his house before heading home. One of us bought sugar, another bought akara (bean cakes). We went in and began to enjoy our garri. With every bite of akara, we used a full spoon of garri to wash it down.

While we were still eating, Yakub—the minute-maker—hadn’t stopped talking. This time, he claimed his dad and mum were British.

“Which kind of lie is this now, Yakub?” Michael, who had seen his dad, replied. “Isn’t it your dad I saw you with on Sunday riding an okada (public bike)?”

That made Yakub speechless for a moment, but he still denied it. I also chimed in: “I can see. Maybe it’s because of that you like lying.”

“Because of what?” he asked.

“Because you’re adopted—or probably your mum had an affair, because two white people can’t give birth to a Black child,” I said, and everyone laughed. “Better go and tell your pastor to do deliverance for you. Isn’t it you that said your dad was from Tanzania when Priscilla Ojo’s husband released a song? You don’t even think before you lie anymore.”

We had actually set him up. We went inside Ade’s house, leaving only him and Ade outside—just when Ade’s dog suddenly started coming toward him.

“Mooomii!!” Yakub shouted and started running.

“I thought you said you’ve eaten dog meat and the dog would be afraid—why are you running?” Ade shouted.

“It’s a lie o! Please, it’s those small local dogs I’m talking about. My mummy still loves me, please!” he cried.

Ade quickly grabbed his big dog and dragged it back to its cage, properly locking it.

“You people are wicked! You couldn’t tell me Ade had a bulldog?” Yakub started cursing.

We resumed our trip, but this guy had not given up on his lies.

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The next day, the teacher asked who could describe a lemur. She offered 20 marks free. Yakub’s hand shot up. Look at this idiot, at it again.

“Give your description,” the teacher said.

“It has huge ears like a bat,” he said first.

“Yes, give another,” she said.

“It has long fingers,” he replied.

“Yes, yes—clap for him!” she said, and his 20 marks were almost guaranteed. We had just started clapping when this idiot decided to prove his foolishness.

“And it also has a very long neck!” he shouted.

“Wait, what?” the teacher was shocked. “You this coconut head—I almost gave you 20 marks! If you were even wise, you would have shut up. No wonder you had zero in my biology test. Wait, when God was adding sense to people’s brains, where were you? Nawa o.” She shook her head and resumed, “As I was asking before the cockroach jumped in—who knows a lemur?”

Nobody answered, because none of us knew.

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After class, Yakub became the talk of the day. Everyone started telling stories of his glorious achievements. They mentioned when he decided a bottle was the best place to urinate during one teacher’s class. They also recalled when he stuffed books into his shorts during a caning session because he had failed most of his tests. He acted like the cane actually touched him, until the teacher decided to touch his butt—because he couldn’t trust the sounds he was hearing. The boy laughed after he was caught, but his cry had the best remix when they started to deal with him for real 😂.

We could say that his feats still kept earning him the award of the most popular student each year. Annoying, but he was indeed the most popular.

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