The letter I wish I could send to my addict son....

I struggle with the fact marijuana is one of the most popular topics on steemit... why..? It is hard to live with a son who lives his life for drugs...

Dear Son,
You came into my life, like a whirlwind, you turned my life upside down, this was I thought a good thing, those feelings were short lived and at times very hard to deal with.
You never slept..from day 1 if I got 2 hours sleep a night it was a miracle then at the age of 6 you were diagnosed with adhd and later with autism.
Life was hard, but under no illusions, the times you punched me , kicked me, told me I was worthless and useless as a mum, they hurt so badly.
The times I took you to appointments, the times I found you trying to kill yourself, they as your mum destroyed me, but I carried on, you are my son and I love you. I can be strong. Little was I to know the worst was yet to come.

You went to college, I know it was hard for you there, I understand being around people is hard for you and things do really take their toll on your mental health, but why , how did you get to this place?

You were just 18 and bought home by friends in a total mess one night, passed out on a bench in town they said, concerned about you they said. You were found with a bottle of whiskey by your side, I took you upstairs and got you into bed.
That night changed my life, you woke in the middle of the night, told me you hadn't been going to college, that you were taking drugs like crack, mdma, m-cat,cannabis, and had been for a while, and you asked me for help then went back to sleep.
How, why, how did I not know, I am such a bad parent, just some of the things that were going around in my head all night long.
The next morning when you woke we talked and we started to make plans to get you some help, and for a while it did help, you took counselling and things improved. This year on the anniversary of that day you thanked me for saving your life, I didn't want thanks, I was just grateful you had made it through and we would never have to go through this again

Then things started to slip again, things started going missing from the house, you were asking for stupid amounts of money,more than we have a week in income let alone without paying bills, getting me into lots of debt to pay off yours, making me feel bad for not giving you money I didn't have, telling me you would get beaten or worse for not paying. You knew how to pull at my heart strings and you did and still do.
You now have a girlfriend and the last week or so have settled down a bit more but things are still not great, you push my limits more than I ever thought I could accept, but you are my son, I let you.

I wish sometimes you could see the damage you have done to you, to me and us as a family, I wish you understood how hard it is as a mum to let your child destroy themselves in that way. How much my heart breaks every day .
How can my life ever feel complete when I worry when you do not come home, when you sell your things to buy drugs, when I feel I live my life trying to make up for what I have done wrong...
What I did to cause you to take this path I have no idea, but the one thing is for sure, I blame myself.....
But you are my son, I love you and tough love is hard to give.. but I am getting better at it...

I love you but you are breaking me into bits...
Please be safe and know that I am always here for you....

mum

this is not fiction, It is in fact part of my life.....