Jay Cutler is trying to decide which animal he should steal from: a Fox or a Dolphin (Jim Shorts Reports)

Jay Cutler bet me that he could make everyone in the world have the desire to punch him in the face. He made this face. He won.

Jay Cutler and I have been in a competition for several years. So far, the completion has been extremely close. We have been competing in three categories:

1. Playoff wins

2. Marriages to hot reality TV stars

3. Avoiding sounding like a complete douche

I am currently trailing in two of the three categories. But damn is it close. He is beating me by only 1 in each of the first two.

Jay Cutler has one more playoff win than I do and has married one more hot reality star than I have.

I still have a chance to catch him in two of those three categories. Even more promising is that I really only need to overtake him in one of them. I have the "avoiding sounding like a complete douche" category all sown up.

Cutler has sounded like a complete douche at least 1 billion times. I would have to sound like a complete douche 999,999,991 times in order to tie his. I doubt I can catch him.

So if any hot reality TV stars would like to help me win this completion, please let me know in the comments below.

Julianne Hough if you would like to do me a solid so I can win this bet, that would be cool.

Even though I am confident I can't possibly match him in the sounding like a douche category, it was nice to have the safety net of his being hired by Fox to call NFL games this year.

Perhaps Fox has not heard, but the only thing that Cutler is worse at than winning is speaking.

Cutler is the absolute best loser I have ever seen. There were countless times when hi steam was in danger of winning. But then Jay would run to the rescue and throw an interception. If he couldn't manage that feat, he could always fumble the ball away to the other team instead.

Several defensive players have said that they loved playing Cutler because he would always give them the ball. They were right. In addition, some laughed at the fact that Cutler refused to listen to his coaches and avoid carrying the ball so low near his hip.

I guess Cutler knew better than his coaches (as proven by his amazing 1 playoff win in his 11 seasons).

Not satisfied simply being known as a loser who wasted tremendous talent, earlier this year, Cutler took a job as an analyst for NFL games on Fox.

Apparently, Fox was looking to up their douche factor by 1 million percent. If Cutler calls a single snap, they will have succeeded.

This photograph was snapped by an orphan wearing Jay Cutler's jersey.*

If you have never heard a Jay Cutler interview, first you are blessed. Second, he is a complete tool. He could not possibly sound less interested in football... or life. He even quit his own radio show in Chicago during the middle of the season. No one cared.

If he is not the worst broadcaster on television this season, every other announcer should weep uncontrollably. I am pretty sure a person who has never seen a football game would make a better announcer than this tool.

But thanks to a possible season ending injury to Dolphins' QB Ryan Tannehill, Jay Cutler may come out of "retirement" (translation: nobody wants this douche in their locker room) to play for Miami.

Cutler just needs to decide if he wants to steal money as a QB or as an announcer.

Either way, one thing is for sure, Jay Cutler will win the same number of playoff games regardless if he is in the booth or the field.

He will win 0 playoff games. And he will sound like a complete douche while doing it.

*No it wasn't. It was actually snapped by Jay's mom who was wishing him well. No it wasn't. It was snapped by a nun who was praying for Jay. No it wasn't. It was snapped by a little boy in a wheelchair. No it wasn't. It was snapped by an art student who was completing their project entitled "Super douchebags walking tiny dogs".