This will be the hardest blog post I've ever written in my life.

Not because the subject matter is any way complex, or even controversial. Not because I need to be careful with my words, or use a ton of effort to convey a particularly difficult idea or message.

It's hard because the topic is wrapped in all kinds of childhood traumas.

You see, I've been an avid videogame player my whole life. From the NES onwards to PlayStation, to PC, I've played all sorts of games. From platformers to FPS games to point'n'click adventure games.

Three games in my entire life have caused me to break a game controller.

• Driver
• Tekken 3

And..

Fucking Ninja Gaiden

For those unaware, Ninja Gaiden (Originally Shadow Warriors in in Europe) is a side scrolling platformer for the NES, released in 1988 in Japan, in 1989 in North America, and unfortunately for me, in 1991 in Europe.

Universally considered one of the hardest games ever made, Ninja Gaiden made it its mission to be absolutely unfair to the player. There were jumps that were nearly impossible to make, bosses that were intent on raping your soul and killing your dog in the process, and an overabundance in spawning enemies that existed solely to cause suicidal thoughts in the late 80s-early 90s youth.

Ever wondered why school shootings started to happen?

Ninja Gaiden never even tried to fair, it never even attempted to play nice. No, it fucking hated you the moment you started the first stage. It wanted you to break, your to disintegrate to nothing, and it wasn't going to give up until you were less than an empty shell of a human being.

It did not give a damn that you were still just a kid; no child was too innocent for Ninja Gaiden to slaughter.

Ninja Gaiden wanted you to really prove yourself worthy. No common kid could get even close to beating the game. Hell, most common kids probably never made it half way through. No, not only did you play as the ninja, in order to beat Ninja Gaiden, you needed to be the ninja.

You needed discipline, hard work, concentration, talent, skill, reflexes, you needed to.. become something better than you are. You needed to become something higher. You needed to mature, to become a man. You needed to accept the utmost of defeats and failures and never give up.

You needed to master handling every range of emotion the game put you through; anguish, misery, unhappiness, distress, wretchedness, hardship, suffering, affliction, anguish, anxiety, angst, torment, torture, agony, pain, discomfort, deprivation, grief, heartbreak, despair, despondency, dejection, depression, desolation, gloom, moroseness, doldrums, melancholy, melancholia, sorrow. And that's not even touching the surface.

It became the ultimate battle of who wants it more - you or Ninja Gaiden?

Die on the final boss? Too bad, motherfucker, you go all the way to the beginning of the game! SEE YA!

Ninja Gaiden forced you to face a side of you that you never knew even existed. It forced to stare deep into that part of your soul that is the most uncomfortable to look at, and it didn't allow you to turn your head. Or even blink. You needed to face it.

That part of you that is so full of rage it wants to pick up a katana and murder your neighbors. And like it!

It almost turned me into an alcoholic.

And I was five at the time.

But you see, I couldn't just quit. I couldn't just give up. No matter how many times I DIED ON THAT FUCKING LAST BOSS AND HAD TO START THE FUCKING GAME ALL OVER THE FUCK AGAIN, I couldn't stop.

When you're five years old, this is your life. This is your life's work. Your legacy. This is how people, in your mind, will remember you: you're gonna be that kid who beat Ninja Gaiden.

There will be movies about you. Stories told about you long after you're gone. Women will want you and men will envy you. You will be immortalized as a Legend like no other.

Well, it didn't pan out exactly like that, but I can still proudly say that even though it did cost our household one NES controller, and my parents were extremely upset at me, I fucking beat Ninja Gaiden. It's an accomplishment I'm still proud of to this day.

It's been quieter since then on the accomplishment side in my life, but I don't even give a fuck. I beat Ninja Gaiden, and no one can take that away from me.

I've actually never even touched the game since then. I played it religiously and continuously, every day, almost every hour of every day, until I beat it, and after dozens, hundreds, of failed attempts I dealt the killing blow to the final boss, put down the controller, took a deep breath, and was ready to move on from Ninja Gaiden.

For good.

I'm not even kidding when I say that the game, to this day, brings back so many negative emotions that I could not even fathom playing it again.

It was a phase in my life. One that I have put behind me. But one that I can sometimes look back on as an experience of utmost hardship that I was able to survive.

It made me a better man.

A man with multiple issues and regular nightmares thanks to this piece of shit, but still - a better man. A stronger man.

I know in my heart that because I beat Ninja Gaiden, there's very little I can't do.