Melancholy: Who I once was- An aimless, badly written, rant to help myself cope with my reality.
I am a young man. I am in the generation known ever so infamously as the "Millennials". I know we've got a bad reputation for whining, crying, and experiencing overall emotional breakdowns when confronted with real life situations. That said, I'm sure there's a whole heap of folks willing to disagree with me, but I like to think that I'm not as much of a pusillanimous, self-entitled asshole, as most of my peers.
Now, I'd like everyone to remember that my pre-teen/teenage years were in the early 2000's... you know when "Emo" kids happend. I personally wasnt very "emo" as far as my dress was concerned. (I was a skater). Looking back on it, we were pretty much in the same subculture. In reaching middle school, where all these labels really started kicking in, and sticking, my hormones were also, "kicking in". We all remember those days of having a crush for a week and thinking that person was going to be our #1 till death did us part, or at least til the next basketball game.
In those days of our youth, everything was so pressing, everything seemed to me to be a situation of life and death, and in some sense, things really were. Of course this was usually a flourishing or death of a social life, and that is what i will try to focus on.
My woman, we've been together for about 9 years, but I don't want to get married yet. We have a 6 year old daughter together and we live in the same home. My home, not my parents (hows that for a millennial) haha. Anyway, my woman, found an old word document from what appears to be my junior year in highschool. She is very jealous, and dare I say, controlling, if left to her own devices. Obviously there are things I love about her, or we wouldn't have lasted so long, but she has a lot of what i feel are negative qualities, as we all do. I love her and this is not about her annoying qualities.
She text me at work asking if i had written a letter about a girl, "running in the rain". I told her that I had written no such thing, thinking she was trying to accuse me of writing about another woman. Let me just say, she needs quite a bit of reassurance to feel confident that she is, indeed the only one i care for. So automatically I go into defense mode. She tried to assure me that that was not the case.
She told me that she thought the letter, was nice, and whatnot. I truly could not remember writting anything of the sort. I even went as far as to tell her that I havent written since freshman comp in college, and that I was a shitty writer anyway, so there was no way it was mine. Not out of fear for being caught in any lie, or that i had actually written it, but because I simply did not remember writing about a girl who ran in the rain.
The computer that the essay was on, was old, and had been in my parents possession for the past few years. My mother likes to write small stories, essays, and poems. She isnt the best, but she could probably get some of her work published, so I assumed the paper was of her doing.
A few days past, and nothing was said about the document. I forgot all about it until earlier today that i was searching for some other files. I decided i would look at the "letter", I had convinced myself my mother had written. It reads as follows:
"When she enters a room everyone notices her. She doesn’t even have to try. Her smile brings
joy to all those around her. Her laugh can brighten up anyone’s bad day. The gleam in her eyes
is a window to her heart and soul. Her beauty is comparable to the heavens above. She is the
queen of randomness. When your down she knows just what to say. Her voice is soft but
confident. Even when shes scared she brings comfort. Her touch is gentle and sweet. She can
make you feel like the luckiest person on earth. Her scent is left over on your jacket when she
gives it back. You cant wait until the next time you get to hug her. She can be the sweetest
thing by just sitting there. Her kiss is like a painkiller, sedative and mind numbing. She never has
an “ugly” day. Only opininated ones. Her mind just adds to her beauty. One moment with her is
a moment too short and any moment without her is like an eternity of solitude and loss. She
can be the best friend you ever had or the worst enemy. She’s strong but delicate and gracefull.
She lives her life for herself but she doesn’t mind helping someone live theirs. She is caring and
will help those in need, but only if they want to help themselves. She loves to do things outside.
If she cant do it the first time she has no problem trying it until she does. She goes for runs in
the rain just for fun. She loves walking aimlessly for hours at a time as long as there’s the
company of a loved one. Shes loving but only if your deserving. She knows how to have a good
time, but she has no problem with just chilling out for a couple hours. When she knows what
she wants and she’ll go for it until she gets it. She is truly one of a kind."
Upon reading this, I remembered that I had indeed written this little spiel. For what, I could not remember, about whom, I did not know. Thinking back to that point in my life however, I came to the conclusion that it was highly unlikely that the piece was written for my current love. I was blatant to me, that I had written it, and that i had... "settled". I dont have many regrets, but this bit of my past mentality, reminded me of the standards I used to hold for myself. Reminded me of a kid with unlimited potential, before the drug addiction, before the unplanned child at 19, before the ptsd, and before my new found inner strength. A kid who never 'settled', who abided by the strictest self control measures. That kid is not me anymore, I am a young man, who has faced a few demons and just began to deal with them.
This was supposed to be a way for me to convey that melancholic feeling of missing out or regret to... anyone who would listen, but appears to just be a loose rambling about "shoulda, coulda, woulda". Haha, what can ya do?
Finding this piece, reminded me that, I may not think or act like 16 year old me anymore, but 16 year old me helped to make 26 year old me who I am. It also served as a reminder of what I thought I deserved for myself.
The girl in the story, I believe is fictional, but at the time I wrote it, she was my "perfect woman" if such a thing exists. I know that no one is perfect, and nothing is a fairy tale, but now she didnt seem like something i deserved as much as someone totally out of my league.
Basically, I've submitted and bellied up to the thoughts, pressures, and ideas of others, and it has reduced me, from a potent man (not sexually), to some sort of subjugated pee-on. This has been being made clear in many other aspects of my life as of late, and I have been changing thing so that I can be that successful, self driven, entrepreneur, douchebag I always dreamed I would be. I fear however that to completely make my transformation, I would have to increase my standards for a partner.
That idea is much harder to play with, considering our circumstances. But it may very well be, just what I need in my life.
Just being another damn emo kid.
Where is my participation trophy?
Sincerely,
A selfish dickwad