Wow! I applaud your transparency and your courge to express your faith. You are a blessed person to be able to share your heart like that. I pray that you get a greater revelation of Gods love for you. If I could encourge you to do anything it would be to stop trying so hard to perform to a certain standard and just be who God created you to be. I dont mean to sound preachy, if I do please forgive me. I only say this because I have had those same thoughts over the course of my life. God is not afraid of your harsh words and He loves you as much now as He does when you think you are performing perfectly. Keep seeking Him and keep sharing.