SATIRE | HUMOR

Sustainable Living For Dummies

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Photo by Olivier Miche on Unsplash

Keep the earth alive or die trying.

Climate anxiety has reached epidemic levels and it's claiming lives. People are dropping dead from panic attacks at the mere sight of climate change headlines. Have you been paralyzed by fear, wondering how to prevent the impending doom? The following three steps are so easy, even dummies can get started. No background knowledge is necessary: eco friendly acronyms are spelled out. Get started today. It's up to you to save the planet or die trying!

1. Shrink your carbon footprint.

Rather than flying, spend a couple weeks sailing on a zero emissions boat to get to your destination across the sea. As long as you share prolifically on social media, everyone will understand that saving the earth takes time. Don't worry about the needs of your friends or family. Forget about your work responsibilities. They can wait. You are an activist!

Do not, under any circumstance, drive an ICE (Internal Combustion Engine) vehicle. In fact, even if you've been rolling in an EV (Electric Vehicle) park it immediately. If you think owning a hybrid or EV is good enough, think again. Every vehicle is harmful to Mother Earth. The only acceptable transportation options are your legs, rollerblades, and non-electric skateboards or bicycles. No gas, no batteries, no emissions!

Boycott public and shared transportation. There was a time when carpooling, ride sharing, and public transportation were recommended as environmentally friendly options. That time has passed. We are in emergency mode. Delete your Uber and Lyft apps. Remember, the only acceptable ways to get around are walking, rolling, or pedaling without engines. Human power over motor power!

2. Reduce your waste.

BYO (Bring Your Own) reusable drinking containers everywhere you go. No exceptions. Duh. If you haven't been doing this already there may not be much hope for you, or the planet. I promised even dummies can get started though, so please don't let Mother Earth down!

Buy food that is not in packages: Real food that grew in the ground, on a vine, or in a tree. After shopping for fresh produce, head to the bulk section. You'll find bins of foods to complete your diet: grains, spices, coffee, and chocolate. Never, under any circumstance, use bags the grocery store provides for bulk items. BYO containers or bust! Your only alternative to package-free foods is starvation. Don't mess this one up!

Don't be trashy. Low waste living isn't good enough. Zero waste is the only acceptable lifestyle. If you can't eat or compost it, don't buy it. If you accumulate more than one small mason jar of waste in five years, you are dooming the planet. Check out examples on social media to see what is acceptable. Look for the hashtag #zerowaste.

3. Strike for Climate.

Walk out of work and into the streets. If it means losing your job, so be it. If you run out of money, that's a small price to pay. When the earth burns to a crisp you won't need paychecks.

Forbid your children to attend school. They may cry, beg or plead. Don't give in. You know what's best! It is your duty to walk, roll, or ride bicycle with your offspring to the nearest climate strike. You can count evil villains in ICE vehicles along the way. The learning doesn't have to stop!

Give away your money. If you fear arrest or don't want to stand in traffic lanes, donate to a non-profit that organizes climate strikes. This is the best option if you are truly a climate change dummy. Don't make the other activists look bad by showing up without an incredibly artistic poster or by messing up the clever chants.

Be Mother Earth's Hero!

Following these three easy steps will have you on your way to saving the world single-handedly. To expand your influence, share daily climate actions on every social media platform using the maximum number of (hash)tags. Once you've graduated from dummy to diva, make sure to take photos and publicly shame everyone you see failing to save the earth. The fate of the planet is in your hands!

*This piece was originally published on Medium.com with my author name, Rachael Ann Sand.